Earmuffs Are Out for XXVII

So much for Super Bowl XXVI. (Ugh.) Let the Super Bowl XXVII party begin.

The site: Pasadena. The year: 1993. The weather forecast: No snow. The game forecast: NFC champion Many Points, AFC champion Not So Many Points. The serious problem: You can’t invite two NFC teams.

The coin flip: President-Elect Clinton and date. The telecast: Only $49.95 per viewer. The big worry of NFL: That if current recession continues, no coin will be available to flip.

The California advantage: Football played outdoors. The California disadvantage: Because of continued drought, field must be watered with Evian and Pellegrino with lime.

The halftime show: Sentimental reunion between California senator-elect Sonny Bono and former singing partner. The crowd: Same as Minnesota’s, give or take 40,000. The price of tickets: Same as other California sporting events, $100 for cheap seats and $100,000 for seat next to guy who played Joker in movie about man who dresses like bat.

The probable opponents: Washington Redskins, San Francisco 49ers, Dallas Cowboys, Atlanta Falcons or Detroit Lions (NFC champions) versus Denver Broncos (oh, no!), Buffalo Bills (double no!), New York Jets (overdue), Houston Oilers (double overdue) or Raiders (only AFC team thought to be capable of actually winning a Super Bowl).

The longshot possibilities: The Rams. Da longshot possibilities: Da Bears. The team that better get to a Super Bowl one of these days before their fans start spending all their money on soccer: The Chargers.

The advantages of Raiders being in a Pasadena Super Bowl: Rare opportunity for Raider telecast not to be blacked out; easy access to team’s home field of future, Dodger Stadium; less difficulty for authorities to locate Todd Marinovich.

The disadvantages of Raiders being in a Pasadena Super Bowl: Action on field could pale beside actions of typical Raider fans in stands; distraction caused by stubborn voters changing minds and voting Al Davis out of Hall of Fame; repeated embarrassment of Rocket Ismail stepping out-of-bounds because he keeps forgetting field isn’t as wide as one in Canada.

The disadvantages of Buffalo returning to next Super Bowl: Thurman Thomas will gripe about newspaper sports pages devoting too much space to Tank McNamara cartoons and not enough to him; team will try old “third time’s the charm” rallying cry and public will swallow it; coach will again call quarterback “the Michael Jordan of our team” until public finally realizes that he means quarterback might be better off on Super Bowl Sunday playing basketball.

The advantages of Buffalo returning to next Super Bowl: Bills will be able to meet in person with Hollywood studio heads to sell idea for comedy about really funny football team; on natural grass, Andre Reed’s helmet less likely to be damaged when thrown; when Bruce Smith sees letters published about Los Angeles Times columnist, he can say: “Man, I thought my mail was nasty.”

The proposal that NFL must discuss: Whether to let NFC champion play World League of American Football champion in Super Bowl rather than AFC champion.

The proposal that NBC must discuss: Whether to issue matching network neckties after seeing ones worn by CBS sportscasters at previous Super Bowl.

The proposal that ESPN must discuss: Whether to permit Chris Berman to report future stories of alcohol abuse after spending much of Super Bowl Sunday acting as spokesperson for manufacturer of beer.

The proposal that animal-rights activists must discuss: Whether to protest if game ends up being Lions vs. Bengals.

The proposal that pirate-rights activists must discuss: Whether to protest if game ends up being Raiders vs. Buccaneers.

The only real problem with holding Super Bowl games in Pasadena: Streets being roped off to traffic because of traditional Tournament of Supers parade.

The good thing about holding Super Bowl at Rose Bowl: Nice chance for Pasadena people to see football played by somebody not from Pac-10.

The first quarter of Super Bowl XXVII: The AFC team does something right, so we all get really excited.

The second quarter of Super Bowl XXVII: The AFC team falls behind by several touchdowns, blaming the officiating.

The third quarter of Super Bowl XXVII: Everybody tingling from halftime film narrated by NFL guy with deep voice who makes all Super Bowls sound like greatest games ever played.

The fourth quarter of Super Bowl XXVII: Everybody leaves stadium or turns off TV set, hoping Super Bowl XXVIII will be big improvement.