Here Are a Few Answers for Some Baseball Issues

At a testimonial dinner last week, Peter Ueberroth mentioned that when he was commissioner of baseball, one of the first things office staffers did in the morning was read the eminent sports columnist from a Los Angeles newspaper. He made no mention of any, uh, other individual from this newspaper.

Therefore, in an incredibly self-indulgent effort to become more appealing to baseball’s current commish, I am dedicating myself to being an influential voice inside the eardrums of Fay Vincent, who has been an extremely busy guy of late with regard to:

--Japanese interests in Seattle;

--Lack of interests in San Francisco;

--The traditional Steve Howe suspension;

--And the possible return to New York of George Steinbrenner, known as apocalypse now.

Oh, one other thing: The commissioner must do something about realignment.

I trust he won’t take it to Sears.

There are mornings, I imagine, when former Columbia Pictures chairman and CEO Francis T. Vincent Jr. longs to be back in the motion-picture industry, so he can be around reasonable people. (Little joke there.) Possibly he even envies Ueberroth for taking on a less complicated job--like, you know, rebuilding L.A.

It ain’t easy being czar.

Among other occupational hazards last week, the commissioner averted a coup d’etat led by franchise generals Bud Selig of the Milwaukee Brewers and Jerry Reinsdorf of the Chicago White Sox, who wanted to have Vincent stripped of his epaulets with regard to involving himself in labor negotiations.

Fay had a bellyful of Bud and Jerry’s raspberry swirl. He gave them a strongly worded lecture, then told them to run along and play nice.

Having attended Yale Law School and practiced corporate law for 15 years, Vincent isn’t exactly unqualified when it comes to handling complex legal matters. (And besides, when he was running Columbia, the studio released “Kramer vs. Kramer.”)

Another matter on the commissioner’s platter is the continued push to realign baseball’s divisions. Common sense dictates that the Chicago Cubs and St. Louis Cardinals pull a double-switch to become affiliated with the National League West, but heavy resistance has come from the Cubs, who are owned by a television-radio enterprise that doesn’t relish the thought of airing West Coast night games opposite the Late, Late, Late Show.

The Cubs once avoided prime-time whenever possible. Now they might end up spending fewer hours in the sunlight than Dracula.

Nevertheless, I have to believe that the schoolteachers of the Southeastern United States would be forever indebted to baseball if during geography lessons they no longer had to explain to little Johnny and Joanie why Atlanta was situated in the National League West.

Oh, well. Vincent has had bigger fish to fry.

His first order of business last week was to formally rubber-stamp the purchase of a majority interest in the Seattle Mariners by an executive from the Japanese-controlled corporation of Nintendo, makers of popular toys and games for children (and, OK, adults).

With unwanted or money-oriented American players having long since been granted permission to play in Japan, I can only wonder if the time has come for Japanese players to replace American workers on the diamonds of Seattle. Having seen the Mariners play since their inception, it is my considered opinion that any nine Japanese could defeat any nine Mariners, who also would do no better than break even against any nine Little Leaguers from Taiwan.

As for the New York-San Francisco-San Jose (Soon to Be Appearing in a City Near You) Giants, it has become clear to the commissioner that a change of address is both necessary and imminent. A couple of weeks ago, hopeful owner Bob Lurie was going around doing his Dionne Warwick impression, singing: “They’ve got lots of space in San Jose! There’ll be a place where I can go and play!”

Alas, no accommodations were forthcoming from San Jose, an ice-hockey town.

In my self-appointed role as adviser to the commissioner, I recommend moving the Giants to Buffalo, because the fans there deserve it, or to New Orleans, because I really eat great there.

With upcoming expansion, meanwhile, pitchers will be in big demand. That is why it must have been difficult for baseball to once again suspend Steve Howe, who remains unable to distinguish the difference between a rosin bag and a nickel bag. The Florida Marlins will pay $2 million apiece to any four human beings who can fling a baseball 60 1/2 feet.

As for granting permission to George Steinbrenner to return to command of the New York Yankees, I can only submit that major league baseball really is an equal opportunity employer, and that any reuse or republication of this article without the expressed approval of the commissioner’s office is strictly prohibited.