49ers or Cowboys? Rams Cast Deciding Vote

H ow the final 1992 NFL standings should really look . . .

1. San Francisco. If the 49ers don’t go all the way, it won’t be for lack of a quarterback.

2. Dallas. Four Reasons Why The Cowboys Can Beat The 49ers: 1) Emmitt Smith; 2) Michael Irvin; 3) Troy Aikman; 4) the top-ranked defense in the league. Reason Why They Won’t: Rams 27, Cowboys 23.

3. Philadelphia. Is Randall Cunningham Rich Kotite’s man? Or is Jim McMahon? Is Rich Kotite Norman Braman’s man? Or is he Norman Braman’s puppet? What will Seth Joyner say next? What won’t he say next? Will the Eagles win the Super Bowl? Will the Eagles get blown out in the wild-card round? If this isn’t the best team in the league, it is certainly the most interesting.

4. New Orleans. The Buffalo game was disturbing evidence that, despite Bobby Hebert’s excellent second half and the emergence of Vaughn Dunbar, these are still The Same Old Saints. Jim Mora’s offensive scheme is the coaching equivalent of having a Mercedes, a Rolls and a Jaguar in the garage--and taking the bus to work.

5. Buffalo. There is absolutely, positively no way the Bills can win the Super Bowl. Yet, despite doctor’s warnings, they are going to go ahead and try.

6. San Diego. From 0-4 to an all-California Super Bowl? It’s never been attempted before, but if Stan Humphries is willing, the Chargers can find the way.

7. Washington. If the Redskins beat the Raiders Saturday, they could miss the playoffs. If they lose, they might make the playoffs. Great league you have there, Mr. Tagliabue.

8. Minnesota. If Dennis Green is so smart, how come he’s preparing for the playoffs by picking the petals off a daisy. “Rich Gannon starts for me, he starts for me not, Sean Salisbury starts for me, he starts for me not . . . “

9. Miami. The Anti-Chargers started 6-0, then went 4-5 in their next nine. Lobbying for next year’s Super Bowl to be held on Columbus Day.

10. Pittsburgh. Terry Bradshaw insists this is the best team in the AFC. Terry Bradshaw needs to drink a cold glass of water, lie down and repeat after me: “Terry Bradshaw no longer quarterbacks this team.”

11. Kansas City. Dave Krieg wasn’t the answer, either. In fact, the Chiefs have only been asking questions since Len Dawson retired.

12. Green Bay. Lombardi Slept Here. We know, we know. But Mike Holmgren’s made the place livable again.

13. Houston. We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t put a Moon in the Super Bowl. The old run-and-gunslinger should return just in time to get ousted from the playoffs.

14. Indianapolis. From 1-15 to, with a victory over Cincinnati Sunday, 9-7. Yes, Ram fans, it can be done.

15. Cleveland. The team, not the running back, is still in the running for a .500 season.

16. Raiders. Maybe the Hall of Fame inducted Al Davis too early.

17. Denver. The worst 8-7 team in history. This year’s two Bronco-Seahawk games have killed off expansion for the rest of this century.

18. Rams. Chuck’s Body Repair Shop worked out some of the dents and replaced the bumper, but better reclamation jobs were done by Green, Holmgren, Ted Marchibroda and Bill Cowher. But 5-11, or 6-10, will get Knox a top 12 draft choice--and isn’t that all he really wanted out of this season?

19. New York Giants. The Meadowlands chant has been rewritten. “Ray Is Gone.”

20. Atlanta. After the Tampa Bay game, Sam Wyche refused to shake hands with Jerry Glanville. After the season, will Rankin Smith do the same?

21. Detroit. The season wasn’t a total loss. At least the Lions found an answer to the longstanding question “Andre Where?”

22. Chicago. Will the Bears fire Mike, or will Mike fire himself? “Unless I have the control of what I’m doing, I don’t want to do it any more. I really mean that.” The words are Da Ditka’s. The punch line is yours.

23. Phoenix. Stat of the year: The Cardinals went 3-0 at home this year against the last three Super Bowl champions--the Redskins, Giants and 49ers. Too bad no one saw them.

24. New York Jets. They get preseason Super Bowl hype, they start Off-Broadway Browning at quarterback, they head into the last weekend at 4-11. Coslet and effect, I’d say.

25. Tampa Bay. Basically, the second half of the Rams game explains it all.

26. Cincinnati. A Boomer town no more. Esiason and Wyche already planning ’93 reunion in Florida.

27. New England. The present is bleak and the future is . . . Scott Zolak?

28. Seattle. First the Mariners, then Huskygate, and now this. Welcome to Supersonic country.