THE NFL / BILL PLASCHKE : For Now, These Awards Must Suffice

Until the NFL gets wise and sanctions one set of postseason awards--the Retired Players Who Still Have Bad Haircuts Assn. will be announcing their MVP any day now--we will only report on those awards requiring integrity, heart and the ability to do something really silly.

Ours, of course.

* PLAYER OF THE YEAR: Emmitt Smith, who wins games when he should be in hospitals and loses them by simply not showing up.

If Smith didn’t carry the ball more than once, the Dallas Cowboys didn’t win. They were 12-1 with his full-time services, 0-3 without.

* DANCE OF THE YEAR: After intercepting a pass against the San Francisco 49ers, linebacker Clay Matthews of the Cleveland Browns did an Elvis impersonation.

* END ZONE DANCE OF THE YEAR: Marcus Allen of the Kansas City Chiefs. After each of his 15 touchdowns, he did what every player should do.

Nothing.

* FIGHT OF THE YEAR: David Lang of the Rams vs. Adrian Cooper of the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Lang wins the award, not because of the punch he landed on Cooper, but because he was on the sidelines wearing street clothes when he threw it.

* COACH OF THE YEAR: Jack Pardee of the Houston Oilers, who accepted calls on his radio show all season from fans who screamed at him that he should quit or be fired. Neither happened. Thank goodness.

* COACHING DECISION OF THE YEAR: Dan Reeves of the New York Giants discovered that his players had been sneaking out of their team hotel on the night before home games, some for as many as 10 years.

But instead of increasing security, he canceled everyone’s reservations and now the players are allowed to sleep in their own beds. This unexpected show of rationality by a coach worked for all but . . . well, see next award.

* NAP OF THE YEAR: Lawrence Taylor of the Giants fell asleep on the bench during the second half of a home game against the Indianapolis Colts.

* FREE AGENT OF THE YEAR: Allen, for what was gained by his new team . . . and lost by his old one.

* KICKER OF THE YEAR: Jeff Jaeger of the Raiders defeated the Denver Broncos with a last-second field goal in which the ball traveled 53 yards sideways .

* MISS OF THE YEAR: In a span of three quarters against the New Orleans Saints, kicker Roger Ruzek of the Philadelphia Eagles missed three conversion kicks.

No other kicker in the NFC missed as many as three all season.

* HEAD HUNTERS OF THE YEAR: The Houston Oiler defense knocked the opposing starting quarterback out of action nine times in 16 games.

* UNBELIEVABLE SCORES OF THE YEAR: The Rams defeated the Oilers, 28-13, and the Steelers, 27-0.

* PENALTY OF THE YEAR: On a last-second play in which the New York Jet offensive line was told to allow the Cincinnati Bengals a safety, a member of that line was called for holding.

* SHOWCASES OF THE YEAR: The Broncos’ 27-21 victory over the Chiefs last month. The Patriots’ 33-27 overtime victory over the Miami Dolphins last Sunday.

The first game was a duel between NFL legends John Elway and Joe Montana. The second was a showcase for the man who should one day replace them, Drew Bledsoe.

* INJURY OF THE YEAR: Powder from the officials’ gunshot at halftime of a Dolphin-Chief game landed in the eyes of Dan Saleaumua of the Chiefs.

Saleaumua’s eyes were flushed in the trainer’s room, and he returned in the second half.

* QUESTION OF THE YEAR: One day after Saleaumua’s injury, Carl Peterson, Chief general manager, phoned the NFL.

“In this age of advanced technology, tell me, why do we still have referees shooting guns?” he asked.

* POOR TIMING OF THE YEAR: Harold Green said that Dave Shula was the worst coach in Cincinnati Bengal history, then the Bengal runner had perhaps the worst season by a full-time running back in NFL history.

Green rushed for 589 yards in 215 carries, a 2.7 average. He is the first back in league history to carry 200 or more times in a season and not average three or more yards.

* ROOKIE OF THE YEAR: Jerome Bettis of the Rams. If Rick Mirer truly wanted this award, he never would have become a quarterback.

* LOST ROOKIE OF THE YEAR: Curtis Conway of the Chicago Bears missed a team plane to Minneapolis because he could not find this country’s busiest airport, Chicago’s O’Hare Field.

To his credit, he later found the end zone often enough to give the Bears a couple of victories.

* AUDIBLE OF THE YEAR: “Peter, Peter, Peter.”

That is what members of the Cowboys’ field-goal defense team shouted after Pete Stoyanovich’s attempt was tipped on Thanksgiving Day in Dallas.

The call means, “Don’t touch the ball.”

Leon Lett knows that now.

* MISUNDERSTANDING OF THE YEAR: Before a punt play in the second half of last Sunday’s showdown between the Cowboys and the Giants, coaches yelled for the Giants’ regular defense to get off the field.

The call for that is, “Safe, safe, safe.”

But members of the Giant defense heard, “Stay, stay, stay.”

The Giants had to call a timeout and later did not have enough timeouts to go for a touchdown from the Dallas 22-yard line in the final seconds of regulation.

They settled for a tying field goal, then lost the game, NFC East Division title and home-field advantage in overtime.

* MEDIA TYPE OF THE YEAR: In his part-time role as a TV commentator, Spencer Tillman questioned the loyalty of several Oiler teammates during summer contract talks.

Lamar Lathon, one of those players, later attacked Tillman during a scrimmage.

MILLER TIME

If the Rams fail to land a top quarterback in this spring’s draft--the Redskins could take Trent Dilfer, and Heath Shuler might return to Tennessee for his senior year--they will be the leading candidates for the services of next spring’s marquee free-agent quarterback, Chris Miller.

No quarterback combines excitement and propensity for injury as does Miller, who threw 26 touchdown passes for the Atlanta Falcons in 1991, but has played in only 11 games since.

The Rams would be Miller’s first choice, and he should be their choice if he can prove during a March workout that he has recovered from reconstructive knee surgery.

“Chris wants to go to the West Coast, on grass, in an offense that suits his style,” said Frank Bauer, Miller’s agent. “Ernie Zampese (the Rams’ offensive coordinator) runs that kind of offense.”

With all other free-agent quarterbacks, there are bigger question marks.

Can Chris Chandler recover from a lost season on the Phoenix bench?

Can Scott Mitchell play outside the Don Shula system?

The most intriguing longshot would be future free agent Rodney Peete, who is obviously unhappy in Detroit and would love to return to the West Coast.

Detroit insiders worry that he has lost his toughness. A change of scenery has a funny way of fixing those things.

“What really makes me bitter is that they changed the offense, but then didn’t give me a chance to run it,” Peete said of his benching by the Lions, who are on a roll under Erik Kramer.

Kramer, born and raised in Southern California, will also be a free agent, and no quarterback in the league is hotter.

No matter what happens in the postseason, he will have a tough time forgetting that the Lions have never shown complete confidence in him. There are a few teams that would.