Don’t Expect Her Bodyguard to Wear a Thong

Quarterback Troy Aikman of the Dallas Cowboys apparently has frozen out Nancy Kerrigan after being teased mercilessly for reportedly sending the Olympic figure skater a letter in Lillehammer.

“While appearing at an Atlanta mall,” Esquire magazine reported, “Aikman insisted he hadn’t sent the letter and that Kerrigan wasn’t even ‘my type.’

“Just then, Miss Hawaiian Tropic 1993 came over. ‘Now, she’s my type,’ he whispered to a friend. Perhaps this explains why Miss Coppertone was recently seen wielding a lead pipe.”

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Trivia time: Who are the 12 former UCLA Bruins other than Kareem Abdul-Jabbar to have played on three NCAA Division I championship basketball teams?

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Reality bites: On a recent episode of “Beverly Hills, 90210,” Steve Sanders (Ian Ziering) was upset that car troubles caused him to miss the first three innings of the Dodgers’ opener. By the time he got there, he complained, the Dodgers held a 6-0 lead.

These fictional Dodgers apparently are more potent than their real-life counterparts, who scored seven runs in their first four games, twice being shut out.

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Largemouth, beware: Allan S. Cole of Lancaster says of the lure he developed to catch larger fish: “It swims like a butterfly and stings like a bee!”

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Good point: From the Sporting News: “For Jim Rome’s sake, it’s a good thing he didn’t tell Chris Evert she played like Jimmie Everett. There was never a tougher pro athlete than the queen o’ the baseline.”

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Still waiting: Said talk-show host David Letterman, not convinced that the baseball season has started: “If you’re a real baseball purist like me, you know the season doesn’t really begin until Jose Canseco gets arrested.”

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Stashing booty: Among the players put on a protected negotiation list by the new Shreveport, La., entry in the Canadian Football League is quarterback Josh Booty, a high school senior who has signed with Louisiana State and is also considered a top professional baseball prospect.

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Nostalgic, he’s not: Nolan Ryan told Sport magazine: “Last year was my most trying season. It was terrible on the road with all the fans trying to get to me. It wasn’t easy getting to the ballpark. It was insane. I won’t miss it.”

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Miracle cure: Golfer Fuzzy Zoeller, explaining how he cleared up a nagging back problem: “The doctor gave me two shots of some kind of woo-koo juice. I have no idea what it was. It might have been straight vodka. I haven’t had any pain the past two years.”

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Trivia answer: Sidney Wicks, Curtis Rowe, Lynn Shackelford, Larry Farmer, Henry Bibby, Steve Patterson, Kenny Heitz, Jon Chapman, John Ecker, Andy Hill, Terry Schofield and Bill Sweek.

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Quotebook: Former heavyweight champion James (Bonecrusher) Smith, after being denied a license to fight in England when evidence of trauma to his brain was detected during a physical: “Most fighters have some type of trauma. Hey, we’re in the traumatizing business.”