It’s Time for L.A. to Nip N.Y. Stuff in the Larry Bud

David Letterman once invested money in the Seattle Mariners, thereby proving himself to be a very funny guy.

Buying a piece of Seattle’s baseball team is like buying a painting of a clown on black velvet. Nobody could profit from owning the Mariners, with the possible exception of Hillary Rodham Clinton. And even she would rather own cattle futures than Seattle futures. Cattle could outplay Seattle.

But Dave’s a big fan. Athletes are always popping up on his show. Dave has had every baseball player on his TV program from John Kruk to that kid from the Long Beach Little League. He has had many professionals on the program, as well as a number of New York Mets.

Dave is doing his show from Los Angeles this week. We need to provide him with reasons not to return to New York. Our sports teams are so much funnier than New York’s now, you would think he could use the material. Our basketball players are so bad, Madonna won’t date them.

So, from my personal home office in Steger, Ill., my hometown, which is Sioux City, Iowa, without the glitz, here are my top 50 reasons--10 aren’t enough--why our good friend David Letterman should never leave L.A.

1. He could drop Clippers off tall buildings to see how high they bounce.

2. Our traffic cops are much nicer now, thanks to home video.

3. Lasorda makes diet lasagna milk shake that is mmm-mmm good.

4. Bruce McNall will sell Dave 110% of the Kings.

5. L.A. never has used, and never will use, an athlete named Mookie.

6. Chevy Chase Theatre available.

7. Jerry Buss will let Dave coach Lakers for 14 games.

8. Cigar smoking permitted outdoors in certain areas.

9. McNall will buy him new Rolls.

10. Plenty of excellent Wisconsin Rose Bowl tickets available.

11. Jack Nicholson is attacking fewer and fewer cars with golf clubs now.

12. Vince Coleman is willing to handle crowd control.

13. George Steinbrenner has not been seen here since punching guy in elevator.

14. During Long Beach Grand Prix, Dave’s speeding hardly noticeable.

15. L.A. only town ever to have teammates named Orel and Sax.

16. Letterman only man who can afford Laker courtside seats.

17. Muscle Beach, Paul Shaffer made for each other.

18. When car broken, Dave can always stick out thumb, catch ride with Darryl Strawberry.

19. Chance to meet personally with Disney execs about possible cameo in “Mighty Ducks III.”

20. Special this month on $200 airport haircuts.

21. Jim Everett available to tip over Dave’s desk.

22. No quarterbacks here named Boomer.

23. “Monday Night Football” over here before bedtime.

24. Dave can pick any position, play there for Padres.

25. With comedienne and center fielder, L.A. currently leads nation in Brett Butlers with two.

26. Nobody buried beneath Ram, Raider end zones.

27. Unlike New York City, you never need to cross state line to see your NFL teams play.

28. Not one sportscaster here named Marv.

29. Really cool state where Clint Eastwood, Sonny Bono can be mayors.

30. Horses used here for racing, not for mounted cops.

31. Two words: Dyan Cannon!

32. If willing to move there, will rename town Marina del Dave.

33. Big laughs guaranteed at 41 Clipper home dates.

34. Quake will scare hell out of weird woman living in Dave’s house.

35. Next time we play host to Olympics, Dave’s mom won’t have to fly all the way to Norway.

36. Mob here whacks beach balls, not people.

37. “L.T.” here is two-thirds of good bacon sandwich, not Giant linebacker.

38. If house ever catches fire, Strawberry comes right over with hose.

39. If Georgia in marrying mood, Dave could own half of Rams.

40. Laker Girls not only dance; they sing, too!

41. Clothes-shopping spree with Al Davis would provide Dave with fabulous new look.

42. Teams out here called Angels. Teams back there called Devils.

43. One word: Piazzamania!

44. Chance to get back that $92-million loan Dave made to McNall.

45. Hey, maybe you don’t want to wake up in city that never sleeps.

46. Magic Johnson available to guest-host for Dave, but only for 14 nights.

47. Concept completely foreign to midtown New Yorkers: Outdoor tennis!

48. Stern here is rear of sailboat, not politician.

49. Here in L.A., “The Times” puts sports on front page.

50. And the final reason David Letterman should do his TV program permanently in Los Angeles and not in New York . . .

(Drum roll.)

. . . while New York athletes busy with playoffs, our athletes totally free to be guests on talk shows!