LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Coffee and a Roll, Part Deux: Comedy writer Paul Steinberg, on research by Chicago scientists that found men were sexually aroused by the smell of fresh-baked cinnamon buns: “What’s even more bizarre is the fact that the No. 1 video turn-on for men are those Poppin’ Fresh dough commercials. . . . I guess Pillsbury was right: ‘Nothin’ says lovin’ like somethin’ in the oven.’ ”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the news that a cold snap in Brazil may force coffee prices to rise sharply: “Effects are already being felt locally. Starbucks has announced that it will offer a payment plan for anyone interested in buying a cappuccino.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on reports that Chinese college campuses are a lot like American ones during the 1960s: “Oh no. The last thing a country with a billion people needs is a free love movement.”

Hamilton, on Haitian refugees surging toward the United States in record numbers: “The White House policy is getting clearer. It looks like Clinton wants to invade the island, but not until it’s empty.”

Nobody on the White House staff wants to be seen carrying the new Bob Woodward book that is critical of the Clinton Administration, reports comic Bruce Bellingham: “They’re walking around with copies of it wrapped up in stolen Navy towels.”

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Believe it . . . or not:

* There has never been an all-Death Row inmate performance of “Fiddler on the Roof.”

* In 1486, visionary inventor Leonardo da Vinci made preliminary sketches of a fax/modem.

* Elmira Feigler of Lexington, Ky., actually watched an entire “LaToya Jackson Psychic Network” infomercial without giggling once.

* Shakespeare’s first, and least-performed, play was “The Cheerleader and the Lumberjack.”

--Mark Miller

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A passerby finds an 85-year-old man sitting alone on a curb and crying. “What’s wrong?” he asks.

Between sobs, the old man replies: “I have a gorgeous 20-year-old wife who fixes me gourmet meals, treats me wonderfully, gives me body massages and has her way with me constantly.”

“That sounds terrific,” the passerby says. “So why are you so depressed?”

“Because,” answers the old man, “I can’t remember where I live.”

--Judith Russell

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During a recent visit to Northern California, reader Louise Vorhaus took her three grandchildren out to breakfast. While waiting to be served, grandson David, 9, said: “This is really fun, Gramma. Our mother doesn’t like this restaurant so we don’t get to come here very much.”

“That’s OK, David,” I assured him. “When you go out with your mother, your mother is in charge. When you go out with your grandmother, your grandmother is in charge.”

Chimed in grandson Danny, 12: “And when you go out with your father, your mother’s still in charge.”