Of Wild Things, Including Ducks

Downey’s California:

--What happened to Mitch Williams only confirms the religious belief that you can be a stiff one day and an Angel the next.

--By giving chances to Bo Jackson, Jim Abbott and Wild Thing Williams, the Angels have proven to be equal-opportunity employers. They have hired a man with a plastic hip, a man with one hand and a man with a screw loose.

--Williams will be played next season by Charlie Sheen.

--He still throws the same assortment of pitches--fastball, curve, screw and gopher.

--Joe Carter, still in the American League last time I looked, is wearing a big, big, BIG smile somewhere today.

--I hear scalpers are getting from 50 up in the neighborhood of 75 cents for those Clipper-Timberwolf tickets.

--Minnesota and the Clippers could be responsible for the NBA’s new ad campaign: “I hate this game!”

--I would pick Saturday’s game to be won by whichever team scores last, but that could mean waiting until Sunday.

--Can’t wait for Saturday’s Wooden Classic college basketball thing. By the way, I’m very nervous about Fox television’s proposed World College Basketball League.

--UCLA, Kentucky, Massachusetts, Kansas--they all think they’re so hot. Ha! I doubt if even three of them could beat the Timberwolves.

--They aren’t the Final Four, but they sure are a Fine Four, ain’t they?

--I told a Tulsa player that UCLA has been called the No. 1 team in the country. He said nobody in Tulsa knows where UCLA is.

--Newt Gingrich is sure Arkansas will be unseated.

--Now let me get this straight. The USC Trojans did not defeat UCLA, Notre Dame or either Rose Bowl team . . . and still got invited to one of the major bowl games?

--I hear NBC reported the USC game as a 17-17 Notre Dame victory.

--Sports Illustrated editors have chosen Arizona to be the top college football team and UCLA to be the top college basketball team. Maybe Sports Illustrated should stick to illustrations.

--The Washington Bullets are reportedly trying to work out a deal with the Golden State Warriors in which they give Chris Webber back and get Don Nelson.

--I always thought Bozo the Clown wore the funniest costume in America until I saw a Cleveland Cavalier.

--You’ve heard of Mr. Blackwell’s 10 Worst-Dressed list? As soon as he sees the Cavaliers, he’ll have to expand it to 12.

--John Stockton of the Utah Jazz also looks really weird. Get this: His shorts stop above the knee!

--Oh, now I get it: Reggie Miller has a big night against a team from New York, so now he’s famous.

--Someone also might whisper to David Letterman that in 48 of the 50 states, we don’t think the New York Jets or Giants are all that funny.

--I watched pro football last weekend and actually saw a play--I’m serious now--on which an official didn’t call a penalty. No, really. Some guy ran with the football and nobody called anything! The play actually counted!

--The NFL is buzzing with gossip that the commish, Paul Tagliabue, is trying hard to get the Rams to stay because he is utterly convinced that it’s the Raiders who are going to split. I am therefore organizing my own Save the Raiders organization. Join now or I’ll beat the hell out of you.

--I’m sending some Ram and Raider jokes to Leno.

--Tommy Lee Jones is being considered for the “Cobb” sequel, “Rose.”

--I am not going to any more baseball movies until the theater owners agree on a $7 ticket cap.

--At my automated teller machine, there are three buttons to press: WITHDRAWAL, DEPOSIT and LOANS TO L.A. KINGS.

--Personal to a Mr. Murray, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053: Put your money where your typewriter is, pal. Ten bucks says Oregon absolutely destroys Penn State.