On Hold For Dear Life : In the Automated Phone Age, a Call for Help Can Go Unanswered

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Dear Caller:

You have reached your Countywide Public Services General Disaster Emergency Hot Line. If you are a first-time user, please be patient and listen carefully while our newly expanded service is explained. Following this message, you will be instructed on how to take full advantage of this miraculous technological advancement.

Due to budgetary considerations, a hiring freeze and a sincere desire to meet a growing public mandate, we have initiated this new telephone service so that we may continue to provide you with faster, more efficient aid, yet maintain our reception team of underpaid, sleep-deprived, stressed-out, emotionally challenged individuals, downsized to minimize wasteful, low-paying positions no time-quality-respecting taxpayer would wish to support.

Please press 1 to hear this entire message repeated in Spanish. Press 2 for Vietnamese. Press 3 for Farsi. Press 4 to hear this message in Korean. Press 5 for Armenian. Press 6 if you have a hearing loss and wish to have this message amplified. Press 7 if you have a Brooklyn accent. To repeat these options, press 8. Press 9 to hear additional options. Press your star key to return to the original menu. Press the pound sign to continue.

You have pressed pound. If you have been victimized by a disaster of federal proportions, such as flood, hurricane, earthquake, pestilence or tax audit, please press 1. If your disaster falls under state business, labor, industrial or environmental concerns, such as exposure to illegally disposed nuclear waste or chronic unemployment, please press 2. If your disaster is personal and involves a member or members of your immediate family, neighborhood or community and can best be served by city or county facilitators, please press 3. If none of these apply, press 4 and hold for an operator.

You have pressed 4. All available operators are handling other calls; however, do not hang up. While you are waiting, you will be entertained by this month’s musical selections. Press 1 for operatic favorites. Press 2 for country and western. Press 3 for jazz. Press 4 for rhythm, rap and blues. Press 5 for easy listening. Press 6 for rock’n’roll oldies. Press 7 for alternative rock. Press 8 for psychotic silence. Press 9 to return to the previous menu. Press pound to review this menu. After the music stops, please continue to hold.

You have pressed 9. You have pressed 3.

Prrrrringggggg. Prrrrrrriinnnngggggg. Click! Prrrrrrinnng.

You have reached the automatic answer line for your region. When you hear the beep, please enter your Social Security number, driver’s license number or passport number by pressing the corresponding keys. Please listen carefully for the beep. It will not be repeated.

Blaaaaaaaapppp.

000-00-0000.

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We’re sorry. According to our records, there is no such number. Therefore, you have either misdialed or do not exist. Please try again or press 9 to return to the previous menu.

Thank you for entering your numbers correctly. Please enter your five-digit postal ZIP code.

Thank you. According to our records, you reside in a substandard residential area currently undergoing rapid economic fluctuation. To receive proper assistance, please listen carefully and follow these instructions closely: If you are single and have a median income, press 1. If you are single head of household and have a median income, press 2. If you are a married couple with more than 2.5 children and a median income, press 3. If you have an above-median income, press 4. If you are uncertain about your income, press 5. Press 9 to repeat this menu. Press pound to return to the previous menu.

You have pressed 5. Please hold.

“Hello, this is Ms. Answer. May I help you?”

“Are you a real person or another recording?”

“Hahahahaha. I’m a real person.”

“It’s been 30 minutes! I can’t believe--”

“Excuse me! Another call is coming in. Please hold.”

“Bbbbuttt--”

Mmmmmmm. Click. Blurp.

If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and try again. If you need help, please hang up and dial your operator.

Beep-beep-beep!!!