LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the News: Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the O.J. defense team’s float in the Rose Parade: “It will feature 250 lawyers, paralegals and investigators riding a huge dollar sign made of chrysanthemums.”

Mills, on reports that NOW will soon picket the film “Little Women,” citing gender bias: “Members are demanding that the picture be renamed Size Deprived Female Persons. “

Comic Argus Hamilton says billionaire Ross Perot was the only investor shrewd enough to break even in the municipal bond crash: “Sure, he bought heavily into Orange County bonds. But he paid for them with Mexican pesos.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on godfather John Gotti’s transfer to a new federal prison in Colorado: “Even the warden admits he’s intimidating. He makes you a license plate you can’t refuse.”

Reader Stan Kaplan says it’s doubtful the Rams will move 2,000 miles away: “Even by airplane, they couldn’t gain that much ground.”

Comedy writer Mark Miller, on actor Christian Slater’s arrest for trying to carry a pistol onto a plane at Kennedy Airport: “He was charged with criminal possession of a weapon and doing a shameless, career-long impression of Jack Nicholson.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on supporters of Orange County Treasurer Robert Citron who started a defense fund to help legal fees: “Unfortunately, they invested it in Orange County municipal bonds.”

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Christmas Wrap: Ray, on how the Newt spent Christmas: “His stocking was hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that Rupert Murdoch would soon be there.”

Reader Alex Pearlstein, on Jesse Helms’ holiday: “Someone asked him if his Yuletide was gay, and the Senator had him arrested.”

Airlines are planning greater restrictions regarding carry-on luggage, says Humor Files newsletter: “It definitely has to fit on the plane.”

The Postal Service’s hiring of “Santa’s Helpers” came in handy over the holidays, says reader Bill Williams of San Mateo: “Luckily, their union demands of four extra cookies and two additional pints of milk were met.”

Yuletide musings from Jay Leno reveal one of the best gifts he received, a TV with a picture inside the picture: “Now, I can sit back and watch the baseball strike on the big screen and the hockey strike on the little screen. . . .”

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Reader John Carvaly says daughter Amber, 10, raced downstairs on Christmas morning to see what Santa had left. Despite the new computer and video game, the child was dismayed she didn’t receive one particular video game. Irritated, Carvaly announced that when he was a child, all he received was a rock and a stick. Carvaly’s brother, on hearing this revelation, remarked:

“What do you mean, you got a stick?”

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Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.