LAUGH LINES : THE YEAR IN REVIEW : Story Jokes

Novice Farmer Jones buys 20 pigs at auction, only to learn that all are female. So he asks Farmer Brown if he can take his pigs to Brown’s farm to mate with his male pigs.

He agrees, so Jones loads the pigs in his truck and takes them to Brown’s. That evening, when Jones picks them up, he asks how he can tell if his pigs are pregnant. Brown says that if the pigs are grazing the following morning--something pigs never do--they are pregnant.

Next morning, the pigs aren’t grazing, so Smith takes them back to Brown’s. When the pigs again fail to graze the next two days, he repeats the procedure.

The following morning, a discouraged Jones tells his wife: “Honey, I don’t have the heart to go look. Please tell me what the pigs are doing.”

She looks out the window and says: “Well, they’re not grazing. But most of them are in the truck and one is honking the horn.”

*

A downhearted diner in a greasy spoon asks the waitress for meatloaf and some kind words. She brings the meatloaf but doesn’t say a thing.

“Hey,” he says, “what about the kind words?”

She replies: “Don’t eat the meatloaf.”

*

A guy books a two-week cruise for him and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the travel agent calls and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise. The guy says OK and goes to the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.

Next day, the agent calls back and says he can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he’ll take it, returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can book an eight-day cruise, so the guy goes back to the drug store and buys three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

Finally, the pharmacist asks: “If it keeps making you sick, how come you keep doing it?”

*

An elderly man is walking in the country when he sees a frog on the road. The frog tells the man, “If you pick me up and kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful young woman and grant your every sexual desire.” The old man picks up the frog, puts it in his pocket and continues walking.

“Hey,” says the frog, “you didn’t kiss me!”

Replies the old man: “Well, I thought it over and at my age, I’d rather have a talking frog.”

*

The garment industry in New York is a brutally competitive business. Manufacturers will pull any discount to get an order, so the salesman offers the customer a cut rate. They agree on the deal and the salesman calls in his bookkeeper:

“Miss Ferguson,” he says, “if someone offered you $8,000 less 8%, how much would you take off?”

Her answer is quick and strong: “Everything but my earrings.”

*

A young evangelist, blessed with a gift of healing, works his way down the aisle of a revival. In the third row, he demonstrates his powers by making a blind man see. Next, he makes a deaf woman hear, then causes a lame woman to throw away her crutches and walk. The crowd goes wild.

The faith healer reaches the back row, approaching a man with a cast on his arm and his neck in a brace. As the preacher begins to raise his arms, the man jumps up and stumbles backward.

“Keep your hands off me, preacher!” the man hisses. “I’m on workman’s comp.”

*

A man finds a bottle, rubs it and a bedraggled old genie pops out. “Just one wish, fellow,” the genie admonishes. “I’m getting too old for this.”

The man pauses, then announces: “I want to wake up in bed next to three celebrity women.”

Poof! The guy is in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton.

Next thing he knows, his penis is missing, his knee is throbbing and he’s got no health-care coverage.

*

Heaven has become very crowded, so St. Peter is admitting only people with particularly sad stories. Three men arrive at the same time.

The first man says that for some time he suspected his wife had been having an affair: “And when I came home last night to my 20th-floor apartment, I saw a guy hanging off my balcony. I got so mad I took a hammer and hit his fingers until he fell, but he landed on the balcony below. So I pushed our refrigerator through the window. It knocked him off, but I lost my balance and fell too.” He is admitted.

The next man says that he had been exercising on his 21st floor balcony when he slipped and fell: “Luckily, I grabbed the balcony below, but some idiot started hitting my fingers with a hammer until I fell again. I managed to land on the next balcony down, but then he dumped a refrigerator on me.” He, too, is admitted to heaven.

The third man walks up to St. Peter and says: “Picture this. I’m naked in a refrigerator. . . .”