THE NFL / BILL PLASCHKE : Our Annual NFL (for No Fair Laughing) Awards

It’s that time of year again when the gathering of family and friends around a playoff fire elicits memories of the NFL season past.

Of Barry Sanders’ dazzling runs, Barry Switzer’s bathroom runs, Steve Young’s spirals and Deion Sanders’ sideline dances that result in pulled groins.

We are almost overcome with emotion when we recall Dan Marino’s courage, Drew Bledsoe’s fearlessness, Webster Slaughter’s selfishness, Maurice Douglass’ weirdness and the disintegration of the Houston Oilers.

It’s time again for football’s only annual awards honoring the strong, the brave and the knuckleheads.

Sock hop of the year: Barry Sanders of the Detroit Lions broke an 85-yard run up the right sideline against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers . . . after losing his right shoe at the line of scrimmage.

Union thugs of the year: Wilber Marshall of the Arizona Cardinals was stripped of his job as the team’s union representative because he had not paid his union dues in two years.

He was replaced by kicker Greg Davis, who crossed the picket lines in 1987 as a replacement player for the Atlanta Falcons.

“Ain’t that something?” marveled Davis.

Blitz of the year: Bill Kenney, former Kansas City quarterback, won a seat in the Missouri State Senate despite opponent-funded TV commercials that blamed him for small crowds at Arrowhead Stadium, the longest losing streak in Chief history, the fact that the Chiefs did not win a playoff game for a decade and both player strikes.

Fight of the year: Oiler defenders Ray Childress and Al Smith attacked each other after a game against the Pittsburgh Steelers, paused to join in the team prayer, then attacked each other again.

Produce fight of the year: On the plane flight home after a stressful Monday night game in New Orleans, several members of the Dallas Cowboys began throwing their dinner at each other.

Modern-day player fight of the year: Adrian Cooper and Henry Thomas of the Minnesota Vikings brawled over the use of a trainers’ table.

Fine of the year: John Gerak, a second-year guard with the Vikings who takes home about $7,500 every two weeks in salary, was fined $7,500 in each of the first two weeks of the season because of chop blocks.

“I’m going to need a food drive,” Gerak said.

Family values of the year: Coach Switzer left his Cowboys on four separate Saturdays to fly to his son Doug’s football games with Missouri Southern. The trips ended not because of the constant criticism but because Doug, a quarterback, quit the team after he was benched.

Tsk-tsk of the year: Linebacker Steve Hendrickson was cut by the Raiders shortly after his 2-year-old daughter, Courtney, accompanying him to Al Davis’ office, grabbed one of Davis’ Super Bowl championship trophies and nearly knocked it to the floor.

Hut-hut of the year: During New England’s game against the New York Jets in Week 7, Patriot quarterback Bledsoe accidentally lined up over guard Bob Kratch.

“I thought, ‘Gee, that feels pretty good,’ ” Kratch said.

Best call of the year: Ray Roberts, Seattle Seahawk tackle ejected from a game against the Raiders, was forced to spend an entire half in the bowels of the Coliseum with no radio.

He followed the action by phoning his wife in Seattle and hanging on the line while she repeated the play-by-play from their television.

Silliest call of the year: The Lions reversed their huddle so defenders could not read the lips of 6-foot-6 quarterback Scott Mitchell.

Turns out, they didn’t need to read his lips, as Mitchell, the free-agent bust, completed only 48% of his passes and threw 11 interceptions in nine games.

Dumbest call of the year: Seahawk tackle Mike Kelm was fined $2,500 by the NFL for running onto the field during a fight between his team and the Raiders.

Problem was, the Seahawks were preparing to try a field goal at the time. Kelm was simply running onto the field with that unit.

Misprint of the year: Gus Frerotte, the unheralded rookie quarterback who provided the Washington Redskins with their only excitement this season during his four starts, was listed as Gus Grerotte in the team’s media guide.

Stat of the year: Thirty-one of the 35 Cowboy cheerleaders have first names ending in vowels.

Canadian Football League note of the year: Robert Holland, defensive back from Edmonton, was being paid so little that he opened a concession stand in his locker, from where he sold teammates snack food and drinks.

Management cracked down when Holland began printing his own team newspaper.

Journalist of the year: When Warren Moon arrived in Minneapolis for his first mini-camp with the Vikings, he was greeted by Star Tribune reporter Curt Brown.

Moon scolded him by saying, “I don’t give interviews in airports.”

Twenty minutes later it became apparent that the Vikings had forgotten to pick up Moon.

Brown offered a ride, Moon sheepishly accepted, and the reporter got his story.

Throwback jerseys of the year: When the league failed to send the Seahawks a full complement of throwback uniforms from the team’s 1976 inaugural season, officials rummaged around in a basement, opened a dusty box, and pulled out some of the originals.

Throwback of the year: After Lion linebacker Chris Spielman recovered a fumble and scored a touchdown against the Chicago Bears, he fell to his knees and threw the ball to the ground with both hands.

When reporters asked if he had slipped, he explained that he was spiking the ball as they did in the 1920s.

Way, way back throwback of the year: Bobby Ross, San Diego Charger coach, peeked into a popular stadium concert while leaving work late one night and later related, “That Mike Jagger was really going.”

This same coach did not complain this year when he was twice charged $5 for stadium parking before a home game because attendants didn’t recognize him.

Injury of the year: Deion Sanders of the San Francisco 49ers pulled a groin muscle while dancing down the sideline as he returned an interception for a touchdown against his former team, the Falcons.

Punk injury of the year: Douglass, special-team star with the Chicago Bears, suffered a cut during practice when an intercepted pass hit him directly on the ring that runs through his pierced navel.

Late-game sprint of the year: Moments after stunned Cowboy coaches and players could not find him on the sideline during the fourth quarter against the Redskins, Switzer admitted he had left the field to use the bathroom.

Laundry bill of the year: After a 33-6 victory by Green Bay over the host Bears in ankle-deep mud on Halloween night, the Packers were forced to destroy virtually every piece of clothing they wore during the game, even their shoes. The cost: $15,000.

Idiots of the year: Fans pelted Tampa Bay Coach Sam Wyche with binoculars cases . . . with the binoculars inside.

Pin setter of the year: Bernie Parmalee became a starting running back for the Miami Dolphins two years after he briefly left the team to finish his duties on the graveyard shift at a bowling alley.

New rules of the year: Nothing had a greater effect than the enforcement of the five-yard no chucking rule.

Teams combined to average 427 passing yards a game, the most in league history. Points increased to 40.5 a game from 37.4 last season.

The other rule with impact was the movement of the kickoff to the 30-yard line from the 35. A league-record 16 kickoffs were returned for touchdowns.

Empty wallet of the year: After New Orleans Saint rookie running back Mario Bates claimed he had no money and could not buy veteran Lorenzo Neal a drink, Neal punched him in the mouth and broke his jaw. One of the NFC’s most promising young runners was forced to sit out five games.

During that time, Neal gained 72 yards in 21 carries.

National anthem singer of the year: Kathie Lee Gifford was chosen to sing the national anthem at Super Bowl XXIX even though some members of the league office reportedly were wooing Barbra Streisand.

Although the league denies it, Commissioner Paul Tagliabue reportedly told underlings, “I already promised Frank’s wife she could do it.”

Excuse of the year: Todd Kinchen of the Rams claimed he messed up an audible call from quarterback Chris Chandler because, “It was hard to hear at that point.”

At that point, there were 34,599 in Anaheim Stadium.

Diss of the year: When asked about Chandler after the Rams defeated the Chiefs, 16-0, Chief safety Dale Carter said: “Who is Chris Chandler?”

Unnecessary act of the year: When the expansion Jacksonville Jaguars brought their first 10 free-agent signees to town--all of them rejects from other NFL teams--the players were ordered to stay in a local hotel under assumed names.

Wardrobe selection of the year: After the Buccaneers returned a punt for a touchdown for the first time in team history and blocked another punt, Lion special-teams coach Steve Kazor left Tampa Stadium wearing a Three Stooges tie.

Third Barry Switzer award of the year: He claimed he had no idea there were only 12 minutes in an NFL halftime.

“I always wondered why, when I came back from halftime of a pro game after getting a beer or talking on the telephone, they were deep into the third quarter,” Switzer said. “I always thought I’d just talked a long time.”

Overnight success of the year: Brian Henesy, unknown and out of organized football for two years, earned a job as a kick returner for the Cardinals after posing as a Federal Express deliveryman with a package for Coach Buddy Ryan.

Bad timing of the year: Oiler receiver Haywood Jeffires overheard defensive coordinator Jeff Fisher criticizing his effort during a midseason game and promptly shot Fisher an obscene gesture from the field.

Two weeks later, Fisher was named head coach.

Jeffires, who had caught 52 passes in the first 11 games, caught 12 the rest of the season.

Banner of the year: “Deal With It, Buffalo.”

Substitution of the year: Houston receiver Slaughter was so upset about being ignored in new coach Fisher’s scheme that he sneaked into a game behind the coach’s back.

Inmate of the year: Safety Lorenzo Lynch spent a month playing with the Cardinals during the day and sleeping in the Maricopa County Jail at night after being nailed on a parole violation.

One of his first visitors after he was incarcerated was secondary coach Rob Ryan, Buddy’s son. He brought Lynch the playbook.

Interesting development of the year: Three seasons after Barry Sanders was openly involved with Athletes for Abstinence, a group that encourages no sex until marriage, “Monday Night Football” cameras scanning the stands found a 5-month child he had admittedly fathered out of wedlock.

Personal foul of the year: Howie Long, one of Fox TV’s pregame studio hosts, ripped former teammate Jay Schroeder while Schroeder was miles away with the Cardinals. When Schroeder was later interviewed by Fox hosts via satellite, Long was nowhere to be found until after the interview, when Schroeder’s image had disappeared.

Long then came back on the air and ripped Schroeder again.

Movie of the year: On the night before the New York Jets’ season opener in Buffalo, Coach Pete Carroll discarded all of his strategy material and showed his players a 20-minute tape of comedian Jamie Fox.

The Jets won the game, but lost 10 of their final 15.

NFL 75th-anniversary celebration note of the year: Bob Bowser, son of the oldest living former NFL player, Arda Bowser, used to have Ram tickets in keeping with the tradition of his 95-year-old father.

But he gave them away when he couldn’t find anybody willing to accompany him to the games.