THE NBA / MARK HEISLER : With These Resolutions, Watch Out in ’95

Happy New Year as we recycle some old sentiments in a different format in the old resolutions number.

Chris Webber--Next time one of my homies says, “What do you have to lose?” I’m not listening.

Don Nelson--Next time someone asks, “Who’s running this asylum, the inmates?” I’m not listening.

Glenn Robinson--Next time my agent says, “Why not? Management always caves,” I’m not listening.

Butch Beard--Next time my wife says, “Why not apply?” I’m not listening.

Derrick Coleman--I’m tired of my friends telling me I need to work on my manners. I’m getting new friends.

Benoit Benjamin--Let’s see, one more season on my contract after this one. No need for any resolutions this year but check me in ’96.

Donald T. Sterling--What do I need resolutions for? What have I done wrong?

Stanley Roberts--I’ll start eating healthy as soon as I’m back on my feet. In the meantime, head this wheelbarrow for Mrs. Fields.

Agent Ron Grinker--Now that we’ve placed Danny Manning, I promise to represent the Clippers’ next No. 1 pick, whoever he is.

Magic Johnson--I’m confining my activities to ownership. This stuff is easy. How much they want for the Raiders?

Jerry Reinsdorf--OK, so I handed the Magic Horace Grant and a title but I have a new stadium for my Bulls and it’s sold out. What, me worry?

Oh, I’m supposed to make a commitment to do something in the new year to improve myself? OK, I’ll send Scottie Pippen to Phoenix.

Pippen--If Paul Westphal says throw the ball in bounds, I’ll throw the ball in bounds. Honest.

Michael Jordan--I’m going to learn to hit the curveball. Also, the fastball, sinker, slider, changeup, split-finger, scroogie, palm ball and knuckler. I know Mr. Reinsdorf says I get to come up to the Sox in September if they’re back playing by then, as long as my batting average exceeds my pulse rate but it’s a point of pride with me.

Phil Jackson--OK, so I came back but hippies need money, too. I promise to save every cent this season, retire to Woodstock and watch these stiffs go 9-73 on the big-screen TV in my den. Anyone get today’s closing price for Dow Chemical?

M.L. Carr--Nothing wrong here Celtic pride and some old-fashioned motivation won’t cure. Anyone seen my towel?

George Karl--I cleaned out Joe Barry Carroll’s locker and he never lobbed one off the backboard so a teammate could try to dunk it in the last minute of a close game. The next time Gary and Shawn do that, I swear I’m joining the Hare Krishnas.

Gary Payton--Did you hear what Coach said? Here goes!

Shawn Kemp--Gee, how did I miss that?

Karl--Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna, Hare Rama. . . .

Charles Barkley--These yokels believe anything I say. OK, I’m going to play all 82 games, win a title, retire and run for governor of Alabama on the Makes-Attila-the-Hun-

Look-Like-a-Wimp ticket. That’ll hold ‘em for a while.

Shaquille O’Neal--What are you paying for these resolutions? Nothing? Sorry.

John Starks--I’m going to work on my shot selection. Honest.

Patrick Ewing--I’m going to work on his shot selection. Honest.

Charles Oakley--Next time I’m getting a second medical opinion. I’d have had my toe cut on sooner but Coach told me not to worry, if I needed an operation, he’d do it.

Pat Riley--The last time I was in a mess like this was the ’85 finals. I got all over Kareem and Earvin and we kicked the Celtics’ butts in Game 2 and lived happily ever after. Kareem? Earvin?

Ahmad Rashad--I’d like to help you but I’ve got a full schedule. I’m doing an investigative piece on Bill Murray’s progress for “Inside Stuff.” Then I’ve got to ask Shaq what his favorite restaurants are for “Showtime” and I’m due at Mike’s at midnight for poker. Put down the same as last year: Become the best journalist I can.

Dick Motta--I don’t know what I did to deserve this but whatever it is, I’m going to try to do it again.

Quinn Buckner--Next time Bobby Knight gives me a tip like the last one, I’m going to ask, “I’m sorry, oh Great One, but are you sure caning works on players over 21?”

Bill Blair--I’m going to ask if Larry Brown will have me back as an assistant coach. His staff is full? How about trainer? Ball boy?

Larry Brown--I’d buy a house here but that’s always been a jinx. I can sign a contract extension--no, that’s never worked, either. I’ll keep working on it.

Spike Lee--I will never, ever say anything to Reggie Miller again except, “How are you, Mr. Miller?” Of course, we may be playing the Pacers in the first round this season instead of the Eastern finals.

Dennis Rodman--This year, therapy. Honest.

Mark Heisler--I won’t call the Jazz “America’s most boring 50-win team” or sneer at anyone else for the sake of a cheap line until later in the season when I know which bandwagon is safe to jump off.

David Stern--OK, Bettman, it’s time to for me to dictate this year’s resolutions. Bettman?

Gary Bettman--Next time my wife says, “Why not apply?” I’m definitely not listening.

FACES AND FIGURES

Gosh, you mean they may not get it turned around this season? Celtic execs, who hyped their team all summer, blanched when it went 1-6 under Don Casey, filling in for Chris Ford who was recovering from polyp surgery, falling to 10-17. General Manager M.L. Carr laced into Celtic players, vowing later, “This is not going to be a soft team, I can tell you that. I think we’ve got to make changes. Guys have got to be rewarded for playing defense. I’m just tired of seeing us fall apart. We have to establish a presence on defense. I’d rather see us finish a game with four guys on five than to lose the way we’re losing now.”

The next day Ford, looking even paler than usual, returned to practice for the first time--and jumped the players. “The way they’re going now, they’re just looking for excuses,” Ford said. “I see guys here feeling sorry for themselves, not willing to pay the price. Guys get hit and banged and they do all kinds of whining. That kind of thing carries into games. No one will feel sorry for someone in a Celtic uniform, and they have to understand that.”

In New York, Oakley finally had surgery on his dislocated toe but Riley denies Oakley’s suggestion that he was pressured to play. Said Riley, “There’s never been any pressure in any way, shape or form by management to tell him not to have the surgery. I talked to him a month ago and said to him, ‘Either have it or don’t have it but if you don’t have it, don’t make it an issue.’ He created a thing for him over him and over the team that’s been sort of hard for everybody. I’m glad he came to a decision so he can feel sort of at peace with that.” . . . Said Riley after an Oct. 25 exhibition game, “We have to maintain him but the best course of action is for him to play. He understands the situation. There isn’t anything to be done, save surgery, which would probably sideline him for the whole year (actually, Oakley is now expected back in two months) and he doesn’t want to hear that.”

Et tu, Kenny? Kenny Anderson, considered one of the few sane New Jersey Nets, skipped a practice after Beard had failed to play him in the fourth quarter of a one-sided loss and was fined $500. Anderson is shooting a woeful 40.2% and Beard was worried that heavy minutes were wearing the 168-pound tyke down. . . . Then there was the squabble that began when General Manager Willis Reed called a team meeting to complain about the lack of leadership, singling out Derrick Coleman. Coleman got angry and an argument ensued that reportedly wound up with players stepping between them. Reed wouldn’t discuss it but Coleman told reporters, “Y’all are making a big deal about nothing.”

Suggesting he’s the one being worn down, Beard, a popular and well liked man, complained to reporters, “First damn question that came to me last night was, ‘Why wasn’t Kenny in the game?’ Now, I don’t know what you all are looking at. It may not be the same game I’m looking at. If that’s Pat Riley, I doubt if anybody is going to come up to him and ask why John Starks isn’t playing. With me, it’s like I don’t know what I’m doing.” . . . Comment: Pray for him.

Toni Kukoc, long promoted by Bull General Manager Jerry Krause as a budding superstar, scored 27, 21, 25, 27, 24, 11, 19, 11 and 28 points in his last nine games--only one of which he started. However, it wasn’t a totally enjoyable week for Krause, what with Pippen saying of him: “He lies about everything. He’s one of those guys who can look you in the eye and lie.” . . . Whereas Jackson notes every conceivable factor--distractions posed by the red seats in the new United Center, the high ceiling, the show on the video screen--Pippen blames Bull management. “It could have been avoided if they had signed Horace (Grant) or traded me,” Pippen said. “Talent-wise, we’re not that talented of a team now.” . . . Comment: Looks like Pippy wants out and is trying to force the team’s hand.

Meanwhile, Jackson is treating Ron Harper as a write-off. When Pippen was ejected before halftime against the Clippers, Harper played 22 minutes, sat out the fourth quarter and took a total of five shots. Harper, on a five-year $19 million contract, hasn’t complained once.

Tick, tick, tick: People waiting for the SuperSonic explosion ran for cover when Payton lobbed the ball off the backboard to Kemp, who missed the dunk, on a four-on-none break in the closing minutes of Thursday’s one-point loss to the Lakers. “I’m not going to comment on it,” said a subdued Karl. “You guys know how I feel about that stuff.” Payton said he’d “made the wrong decision and I have to accept the consequences” but noted he might do it again. “I’m not going to say I wouldn’t. It’ll depend on how I’m feeling at the time.” . . . Comment: It won’t be long. . . . Harper to visiting Clipper writers, “Three and 23 and you’re still traveling?”