LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Discovery’s close encounter with Russia’s space station: “The U.S. craft came so close to Mir that cosmonauts could be seen inside pounding their shoes on a table.”

Comedy writer Jenny Church, on the LAPD’s new voice-mail system: “Now you’ll hear, ‘If you are a criminal, press one to hear your Miranda rights. If you need police rescue, press two and begin screaming.’ ” And, adds Church, “if all lines are busy, they’ll put you on chokehold.”

Premiere Radio’s Morning Sickness, on “Waterworld,” Kevin Costner’s new film: “Hurricanes and sinking sets added to the $175 million tab. Also Costner, who plays a half-man, half-fish, demanded more coral in his dressing room.”

*

Sports news: “In preparing for players crossing picket lines, owners came up with a new award: Rookie Scab of the Year.” (Tony Peyser)

* “Millions of Americans who earn the minimum wage must wait while President Clinton settles the maximum wage for a few hundred baseball players.” (Ed Stevenson)

* “49ers quarterback Steve Young plans to become an attorney. He’ll be the first quarterback in history to play three quarters and be able to bill the team for four.” (Jay Leno)

* “Houston Rockets guard Vernon Maxwell punched a fan. Everyone knows that is acceptable behavior only during a hockey game.” (Paul Ryan)

*

Cirque du O.J.: “To honor Monopoly’s 60th anniversary, three new game pieces were added: the Shapiro, the Bailey and the Simpson. The Simpson lands in jail on the first move. The Shapiro and Bailey pieces go around the board fighting over property until it’s gone. Then, the Simpson piece uses its ‘Get Out of Jail Free” card. Then, the game is over.” (Bill Williams)

* “Al Cowlings’ proposed book supposedly reveals what O.J. said on the famed Bronco ride. It’s not a tell-all book; it’s more of a Thomas Guide.” (Ryan)

* “A juror has been dismissed from the trial. Word is another asked off because of work demands. His publisher wants a first draft of ‘I Was an O.J. Juror’ by next week.” (Alan Ray)

* “Judge Ito is letting jurors go on a field trip to Brentwood. How about letting them go on a scavenger hunt? Whoever finds the knife gets a free conjugal visit . . . “ (Leno)

* “Mezzaluna waitresses and waiters testified in court, which is historic. This is the first time in L.A. history you could actually find a waiter when you needed one.” (Leno)

* “How far will networks go to capitalize on court action? Fox plans to air a special next week called ‘Uncensored O.J. Trial Bloopers.’ ” (Peyser)

* “Aspiring actor Ron Shipp turned on O.J., some say because he wouldn’t help Shipp with his acting career. But look at the boost O.J. gives his lawyers with theirs.” (William Hsiang) *

West Hollywood reader Tom Byrne-McKiernan neighbor’s daughter was playing an old game. Suddenly, the little girl paused and asked:

“If girls and boys have equal rights, how come we never say ‘Mom goes the weasel?’ ”

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.