Spring ’95 Will Never Be Replaced : Highlights (?) and Low Lights From Some of the Most Memorable Training Camps in Baseball History

It’s like drinking your first can of Pabst Blue Ribbon. It’s not a taste that you care to remember, but after all these years, it remains etched in your memory.

This was the most unusual spring training in baseball’s grand history. We had church custodians in the outfield. We had Sparky Anderson quitting in disgust. We had Pedro Borbon returning to the game. We had Pedro Borbon leaving the game. We had a team that refused to play. We had many teams that couldn’t play.

Love it or hate it, baseball, replacement style, was something we won’t soon forget.

Trying to pick the highlights and low lights of this spring is like trying to keep up with Madonna’s love life, but here are the awards from a spring that we’ll long remember:

Emily Post Etiquette Award: New York Yankee Manager Buck Showalter, days after chastising his team for seeking Dodger Manager Tom Lasorda’s autograph before their first game, called his team together for a heart-to-heart talk.

Several of Showalter’s players had been wearing their jackets and caps into the local watering holes, the better to impress women. Showalter explained this was not proper etiquette.

“I prepared myself knowing that things would be different this spring,” Showalter said. “But I never knew how different.”

Self-Analysis Award: Florida Manager Rene Lachemann, assessing his team: “They don’t hit fast pitches, they don’t have 90-foot range, they miss aluminum (bats) and they can’t drive past a Pizza Hut without stopping.”

Versatile Player Award: Cincinnati outfielder Cobi Cradle couldn’t believe he was to play left field, instead of his customary right field, and wanted to know if it was a mistake.

“What’s the matter?” he was asked. “Haven’t you ever played left field?”

Said Cradle: “Not only have I never played left field, I’ve never even walked over there.”

Best Prediction Award: Pittsburgh Manager Jim Leyland, on the winner of the replacement World Series: “The team that can get the most guys out of the whirlpool and onto the field.”

Appreciation of a Hotel Room Award: Oakland outfielder Terance Frazier was homeless for a year before joining the club.

“When they sing, ‘Oh, say, can you see,’ on April 3, I might pass out,” he said.

In-a-Hurry Award: Pitcher Alex Coghen, 37, showed up for a workout with the New York Mets, drew interest from General Manager Joe McIlvaine, then grew impatient.

“Hey, can we speed it up?” Coghen said. “My partner’s downstairs in the truck and we’ve got 15 more refrigerators to deliver.”

Best Resume Award: “I’m over the age of 33, overweight and ugly,” one potential replacement player told Toronto officials. “But so is John Kruk. He makes over a million, so why can’t I come?”

Bill James Award: Cleveland public relations director Bart Swain, yelling to the Chain o’ Lakes Park scoreboard operator: “Hey! They only have 20 hits!”

Best High Dive: Greg Hunter, Minnesota shortstop and leading

hitter, while soaking his ankle, fell into the whirlpool--with his street clothes on.

Advancing Age Award: Montreal right fielder Raul Tovar arrived at camp claiming that he was 30. Four days later, a reporter from his native Venezuela said Tovar was actually 34. And four days after that, Tovar completed an information sheet for the public relations department, listing his age as 36.

If he continues aging at that rate, Tovar will be eligible for social security by the end of the month.

Best Question Award: Relief pitcher Steve Spurgeon of the Twins, asking the coaching staff, “When we get to Minnesota, do we still have to practice, or do we just go to the games?”

Best Postgame Celebration Award: Baltimore Manager Phil Regan, whose team could only play against collegiate teams, after beating the University of Tampa, 18-0, “We’re going to Omaha!”

Gourmet Cook Award: Pirate pitcher Bob Ayrault on the eating habits of his replacement teammates: “Tuna fish is a delicacy here. With the way they go through food down here, I can’t wait to see what they do to a pan of lasagna in a big league clubhouse.”

Underappreciated Hero Award: Atlanta outfielder Terry Blocker was responsible for possibly solving the Dave Shotkoski murder case last weekend when he targeted the suspect, Neal Douglas Evans, then determined where he was hiding out.

“When I last played down here, in 1989, I met a guy who was a little down on his luck and needed some money,” Blocker said. “I gave him some. He found out this spring that I was back with the team and called me up. I called him right after Dave was shot, and we went into the neighborhood.

“At first, people wouldn’t talk. But (Evans) bragged to some people about it, and some people told me. Then I found out where he had been hanging out. Police told me it was a crack house about six months ago. I told the police, and sure enough, he showed back up there the next day.”

The police charged Evans, an ex-convict, with first-degree murder and attempted robbery.

Blocker’s reward?

He was released last week, and is back home in Stone Mountain, Ga., laying television cable.

Executive Privilege Award: Chicago White Sox pitcher Rob Dibble was quoted as saying that replacement players will have a stigma attached to them forever, just like being a child molester. He was promptly suspended by General Manager Ron Schueler for a day.

White Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf, who compared Donald Fehr to the late cult leader Jim Jones, never heard a word from Schueler.

Comforting Thought Award: Milwaukee pitcher Tim Dell to Manager Phil Garner after the Brewers had lost to Colorado in their spring training opener, 24-2: “Don’t worry, Skip, we haven’t peaked yet.”

Best-Dressed Award: Twin General Manager Terry Ryan on imposing a dress code for his replacement players: “I think if we can get them in coats, slacks and socks, we’ll be happy.”

Longest Cab Ride Award: When the Blue Jays announced that they would play their replacement games at their spring training site in Dunedin Fla., it caused great anxiety for season-ticket holders. Yellow Cab announced that a round-trip fare from Toronto to Dunedin would cost $6,500.

Avid Reader Award: Asked to name his favorite book on the Dodger questionnaire, one outfielder wrote, “Sport Illustrated.”

Bad Timing Award: John Fishel, a former Cal State Fullerton star who hadn’t played professionally since 1989, wishes now that he would have picked a team other than the Angels, who train in the Phoenix area, to make his comeback with. Fishel was arrested during an exhibition game for failure to pay child support to a Phoenix woman who claimed that he’s the father of her 6-year-old daughter, and spent 12 hours in jail before the Angels posted an $8,000 bond.

Fishel spent another night in jail a week later before posting an additional $12,000 bond on the same charge.

The next week, Fishel injured his neck while swinging a weighted bat in the on-deck circle.

He was released.

Most Trying Position Award: In a desperate attempt to find a shortstop, the Marlins tried a truck driver, a carpenter, a high school economics teacher, a junior varsity coach, a rookie league manager and two softball players. In the end, they finally found one. He turned out to be a baseball player.

Greatest Thrill Award: Dodger reliever Matt Herges, upon seeing his first big league clubhouse: “I’ve never even been able to afford one of those Gillette Sensor shavers,” Herges said. “But I come here, and they got those things lying all over the bathroom for free. I’m telling you, the big leagues are unbelievable.”

Best Opening-Day Start Award: San Francisco pitcher Ed Vande Berg had to miss a recent game. Sore shoulder? Tired arm? Nope. “I’m the farm director and equipment manager for Little League, and it was opening day,” he said.

Best Moonlighting Job Award: San Diego Manager Bruce Bochy went to the ballpark one morning to work with Joe Kramer, only to find that Kramer had to take care of other business.

Kramer, who also is a Phoenix fireman, had to answer a fire call.

“That’s the one worry you have here as a manager,” Bochy said. “If there’s a fire somewhere, I’m going to lose about three of my players.”

Worst Off-the-Field Job Award: Pitcher Todd Bussa of the Marlins is a grocery store bagger.

Worst Praise Award: The Giants unveiled 42-year-old pitcher Butch Metzger the final day of camp. He had not pitched in the major leagues since 1978.

Said Brian Sabean, assistant general manager, “In my mind, he’s definitely better than some of the guys we’ve got. It’s not like we’re trying to pass this guy off as a one-eyed person.”

Nastiest Curse Award: When Borbon was traded by the Reds after the 1979 season, he put a curse on the club, saying: “They’ll never win again until I lift the curse.” And they didn’t. It wasn’t until Borbon was contacted and talked into lifting the curse in 1990 that the Reds won the World Series.

Now, the big guy is at it again. He was released last week by the Reds, and before he left, sold two Amazon parrots to Manager Davey Johnson for $500 apiece. Well, one parrot already has died of an upper respiratory infection, and now Johnson’s wife, Susan, has come down with the same ailment.

“It’s just like that movie, ‘Outbreak,’ ” Johnson said. “He’s coming to wipe us out.”

Most Psychotic Player Award: Marlin first baseman Rick Lancellotti, on the uncertainty of whether the season will start with replacement players: “It feels like my head is going to explode. You can’t let yourself think about it because it gives you a headache, but you can’t help but think about it.”

Honesty Award: Most replacement players say they crossed the symbolic picket line so they could finally be noticed and eventually get a shot in the big leagues. Philadelphia first baseman Mike Cantu, however, confessed: “I’m not a big leaguer crossing the line. I’m a minor leaguer who saw the end of the line coming.”

Best Trade Award: The Indians traded five players to the Reds for future considerations.

“Cleveland definitely got the better end of the deal,” Red Manager Johnson said. “They didn’t get anybody.”

Best Introduction Award: Marlin pitcher Marty Clary, stretching before the first spring training game, was stopped by a teammate.

“Hi, I’m Jim Wolff,” said the man wearing jersey No. 80.

“Nice to meet you. I’m Marty Clary.”

No. 80: “I’m catching you today. By the way, what pitches do you throw?”

Omitting Small Details Award: The Reds went out for batting practice before their first game, forgetting one thing.

They had no bats.

Big League Privilege Award: Yankee outfielder John DiGirolamo, a 5-foot-5 substitute teacher in Dumont, N.J., stopped the Dodgers’ Lasorda to have him autograph a baseball before the Grapefruit League opener.

“When you’re in the big leagues, you get fringe benefits like that,” DiGirolamo said.

Best Trick Award: Marlin catcher Rey Palacios, who thought he had retired from baseball in 1993, can stuff a baseball inside his mouth. “Let’s see if anyone in the big leagues can do that,” Palacios boasted.

Ernest Hemingway Award: Marlin pitcher Frank Russo, who was writing a diary for the Miami Herald, was cut the final week of camp. Lachemann, his manager, said: “I told him, ‘I read the papers, and you’ve done a very good job.’ Maybe he could be a journalist, but he’s not going to be a ballplayer.”