LAUGH LINES : Jokes

On the rocks . . . Some of the anticipated fallout from Seagram purchasing 80% of MCA, parent of Universal Pictures:

* “Universal Studios will now have a two-drink minimum.” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “Tour will offer 25% discount Fridays for designated drivers.” (Mark Miller)

* “You’ll soon be able to see King Kong sipping the mother of all banana daiquiris.” (Jenny Church)

* “When you board a ride, a bar will come down over your knees--with a cocktail napkin and some pretzels.” (Church)

* “Barbara Walters will describe it as a ‘whiskey aqwisition.’ ” (Pearlstein)

* “Lew Wasserman and Sidney Sheinberg will be replaced by Bartles and Jaymes.” (Jim Schachter)

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Also in the news: Comic Argus Hamilton, on the new tax cut: “It even gives rich couples a $500-per-child credit. Donald and Marla Trump are so grateful. Maybe tonight, little Tiffany won’t have to order from the children’s menu at Tavern-on-the-Green.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on parent groups protesting “Kids,” a Disney movie they claim is sexually promiscuous: “Moms and dads don’t want to spend money taking their kids to see smut. They can stay home and watch Fox.”

Church, on a strike by supermarket workers in Northern California: “One picket line was only for employees with 10 grievances or less.”

Medical boards nationwide report an overall 11% increase in disciplinary action against doctors. Among the most common infractions, according to comedy writer Bob Mills, were: 1. “Forgetting to refrigerate stethoscope between uses; and, 2. Forgetting to check expiration date on patient credit cards.”

Mills, on the upcoming TV movie about Liz Taylor: “NBC notified producers the biopic is too long, and that they’ll have to cut a couple husbands.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “Ex-juror Jeanette Harris says she feels sorry for O.J., that he ‘hasn’t been allowed to grieve.’ Yeah, he was too busy autographing football cards and writing his book.” (Cutler Rock Comedy Network)

* “Harris also said that Denise Brown was ‘too animated.’ Didn’t know that talking about your sister being hacked to death required subtlety.” (Cutler)

* “Harris denied having been an abuse victim. When Judge Lance Ito showed her a copy of a restraining order she got against her husband, Harris said, no me recuerdo .” (Tony Peyser)

* “No testimony on Thursday. Two jurors called in sick. Apparently they got motion sickness from watching O.J. roll his eyes.” (Jay Leno)

* “You coop people up too long in one place, they get bored, irritable and eventually snap. But enough about the DMV.” (Mills)

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Temple City reader Torri McEntire’s son, Ryan, 7, always helps with the grocery shopping. She knew her smart shopping strategies had made an impression on him when he pointed to a box of cookies and said:

“Let’s buy these, Mom. They’ve got free fat!”