LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Sign of the times: “Workers will scrape 40 coats of paint off a Hollywood landmark this week. And when they’re done with Joan Collins, next up will be the Hollywood sign.” (Premiere Radio’s Morning Sickness)

* “This is the third face lift for the sign. That puts it only two behind Joan Rivers.” (Cutler Rock Comedy Network)

* “It might turn out a little weird. The work is being supervised by Michael Jackson’s plastic surgeon.” (Tony Peyser)

* “The day the sign’s face lift is completed will become a legal holiday in Beverly Hills.” (Alex Pearlstein)

*

In the news: Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Seagram’s majority purchase of MCA: “Seagram’s contributions to Hollywood over the years are well documented. It’s helped send hundreds of stars to the Betty Ford Clinic.”

David Letterman, on a poll showing 58% of the public want Bob Dole to influence Congress: “Twenty percent want Newt Gingrich to influence Congress, and 97% would like Sonny Bono to sit quietly for two years, then leave.”

*

The Pineapple President? “Dole says he’s been tested and tested. So has anybody who dates around in the ‘90s. But that doesn’t make us presidential material.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “So Dole threw his hat in the race. The GOP primaries already have more hats than the crowd at a Garth Brooks concert.” (Cutler)

* “Trying to deal with the age issue head-on, Dole, 71, announced that he’s only 10 in dog years.” (Peyser)

* “Support groups are already forming. Strom Thurmond is heading up the Youth for Dole committee.” (Bob Mills)

* “Dole says he’s not afraid to lead and knows the way. Women voters were immediately alarmed. Here’s one more man who won’t admit he’s lost, stop and ask directions.” (Hamilton)

*

Cirque du O.J.: “President Clinton visited L.A. last weekend. He came to see if Johnnie Cochran could give him some alibis for all the stuff that’s gone wrong over the last year.” (Jay Leno)

* “Last weekend, the jury saw a performance by a comedy improv group, The Groundlings. Improv--that’s when you make it up as you go along. Kinda like the defense team.” (Cutler)

*

A man phones his wife at home and shouts: “I won the lottery! I can’t believe it, $20 million! Start packing!”

His thrilled wife asks, “What should I pack? Winter or summer things?”

“I don’t care,” he replies. “Just be out of the house by the time I get home.”

-- Hank Kovell/Beverly Hills

*

Palos Verdes reader Taylor Daigneault’s friend Kurt Altenberg, a former UCLA football great, underwent a heart transplant last year. At a recent Rotary Club meeting, Altenberg said his donor was a former USC track star. One person asked if he now could run faster with his new heart.

“Yes,” Altenberg replied, “but I keep dropping the ball!”

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.