LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Jay Leno, on the flight attendant/juror who told Judge Lance Ito that she couldn’t take it anymore: “She said the seats were small and uncomfortable, the food was lousy and they were never on schedule. Typical flight attendant--they can dish it out, but they can’t take it.”

* Adds reader L. Wilson of Canoga Park: “O.J. wanted to wear black to protest along with the jurors. But Judge Ito refused to give him back his knit cap until the trial is over.”

Comic Jenny Church, on Rush Limbaugh’s reaction to the President’s speech about “reckless” talk shows: “It looks like they’re squaring off for some kind of big fight. Clinton just better hope it’s not sumo wrestling.”

* Adds comedy writer Paul Ryan: “The President wants to make it easier for the FBI to eavesdrop on right-wing extremists. So he’s given agents the office next door to Newt Gingrich.”

Cutler Rock Comedy Network, on this week’s National PC/Typing Contest: “Not only do you touch the keys, you are sensitive to their concerns.”

Comedy writer Kevin S. Healey, on the study showing one in four 5-year-olds in West Virginia have tried chewing tobacco: “That’s because in West Virginia, you’re not allowed to smoke until you’re 6.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the discovery of 2.6-million-year-old stone tools in Ethiopia: “Archeologists believe the tools were probably borrowed from a neighboring Neanderthal in Tanzania, but never returned.”

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Sports shorts: Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the death of broadcasting legend Howard Cosell: “The former dean of ‘Monday Night Football’ departed this mortal coil amidst a veritable cacophony of jocktorian adulation.”

Leno, on George Foreman retaining his share of the heavyweight boxing title: “I think there should be a law that you can’t win the championship unless you can fit into the belt.”

* Adds Cutler: “Foreman made $10 million, was awfully slow and was mercilessly pounded. Yeah, he’s changing his name to ‘Wyatt Earp.’ ”

Take me out . . . “Baseball begins this week. Opening day ceremonies are pretty similar in all major league parks. Fans stand as a color guard raises the price of a ticket.” (Alan Ray)

* “Baseball ticket prices have gone up 1.8%. Owners say the increase is necessary to offset the cost of removing the knife from fans’ backs.” (Cutler)

* “National Turn Off the TV Week coincides with the opening of major league baseball. God works in mysterious and wonderful ways.” (Jerry Perisho)

* “Major league baseball is officially under way. Now we can watch somebody swing and miss besides F. Lee Bailey.” (Alex Kaseberg)

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Reader Vincent G. Collier of Santa Monica, a U.S. Postal Service window clerk, was showing a customer the new self-adhesive stamps. When she told him she thought it was the best thing they’d come up with so far, he replied, “Yes, ma’am they are very convenient to use--and now, you can get rid of your secretary.” She stared at him, took a deep breath and said:

“I AM the secretary!”