LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the G-7 summit in Halifax, Canada: “No one told President Yeltsin the letter and number delineates the seven nation group. Each time someone said ‘G-7,’ he jumped up and shouted, ‘Bingo!’ ”

* Adds comic Argus Hamilton: “Yeltsin went a little crazy at the summit. Some speculated he’d been drinking since he arrived, due in part to a sign he saw at the airport: ‘Drink Canada Dry.’ ”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on California’s new “motor voter” law permitting registration at any DMV office: “Officials say those now in line may be registered in time for the ’96 presidential election.”

Comic Jenny Church, on “1945,” Newt Gingrich’s soon-to-be-released book: “There are some production problems. Editors want to take out the appendix, but Medicare will no longer cover it.”

Mills, on Darryl Strawberry signing with the New York Yankees: “After lengthy negotiations, George Steinbrenner agreed to buy out the remainder of Strawberry’s contract with Betty Ford.”

* Adds comedy writer Paul Ecker: “Poor George. Doesn’t he know even Jerry Lewis couldn’t help his damn Yankees?”

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Cirque du O.J.: “O.J. went too far on Friday. He refused to return to his cell, claiming it couldn’t be his; he couldn’t fit in the doorway.” (Kevin S. Healey)

* “The defense suggests the glove was mismarked, but Dr. Lakshmanan Sathyavagiswaran, testifying on behalf of glove manufacturers, insisted labeling errors were inconsequential. So, when did Dennis Fung begin working at Bloomingdale’s?” (Cutler Rock Comedy Network)

* “Alan Dershowitz appeared on ‘Larry King Live,’ explaining the defense may take less than a month to present its case. When you’re telling a story, you don’t want it to drag.” (Cutler)

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Entertainment briefs: Comedy writer Jerry Perisho, on what cutbacks to public TV, combined with cable deregulation, really mean: “Less ‘Masterpiece Theatre,’ more ‘My Mother the Car.’ ”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on “Batman Forever”: “In this bat-flick, Jim Carrey speaks in riddles. He recites Clinton foreign policy.”

Mills, on “Pocahontas,” the new Disney film: “Moviegoers have spotted a historical glitch. In the final scene, Pocahontas reads a letter from Marlon Brando asking her to accept his Academy Award.”

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Camarillo reader Marianne Richardson made plans to attend a jazz festival with a friend and her daughter, 16. Before the teen-age girl left for the outing, she told friends of her plans for the weekend. When they asked her what a jazz festival was, she replied:

“I don’t really know, but I think it’s an old people’s Woodstock.”