Slim Reads : CONSTANT CRAVING:...

I have a confession to make. My job is to help people gain weight. As a cookbook writer I use words like luscious and delicious to paint a picture that, if I am lucky, will prompt readers to put down the book, run into the kitchen and satisfy themselves with food.

I may be a perverse choice to review diet books, but I do know something about the fine line between quenching desire and going overboard. I spend most of my days thinking, dreaming, tasting, talking, writing, handling and even eating food. I am in my mid-40s, have given birth twice and may be called upon to taste five different muffins on any given morning. You could say I am uniquely qualified to pass judgment on diet books.

Since the growing wisdom is that diets do not work, the current spate of diet books assiduously avoids the “D-word.” Publishers are no longer putting their money on the hard-hitting, simplistic, 10-pounds-in-30-days-through-pineapple approach. In our complicated, high-tech times they are betting on food control eating plans or life ext e nsion programs or hormone regulation therapies-- diet books wrapped in healthy lifestyle packages--that will appeal to the steady stream of people who consider their girth the only thing between them and a long-term commitment from Richard Gere.

The other new wrinkle is the rising tide against the high-carbohydrate, ultra-low-fat regimes popularized by such gurus as Dean Ornish. Now the diet scientists are telling us that the body needs more protein and even a little bit of fat to beat down that demon hunger. Carbohydrates like pasta, rice and bread eaten in huge quantities are fattening after all. Que surprise!

I’m personally banking on the steak and salad (hold the bread and potatoes) diet, the one that came after the martini and cheesecake and before the Scarsdale, to make a comeback soon. I know that one works.

Just as there is no one perfectdiet that fits everyone nowadays, there is no one diet book. Each is a separate universe of pop quizzes, charts, lists of good and bad foods, pep talks, formulas, weird words and weight-loss techniques. The packages may be different, but the message remains the same; eat less, exercise more and tame those wild desires.

But will they work?

“Constant Cravings” did not talk to me directly. Intended for the serious binger and written in a fervid evangelical style, it is a 12-step program for the hopelessly Kit Kat-addicted. With the passion of a self-described “formerly fat, uneducated housewife,” now a Ph.D. appearing on “Oprah,” Doreen Virtue cuts to the chase. All food, be it carbohydrate, protein, fat or fiber, is bad. Forget the smells, textures, tastes, intrinsic pleasures and deep introspection; ultimately it is all fattening.

To help readers attain thinness, she suggests such old standbys as playing with your food at Thanksgiving dinner and feeding it to the dog, and new twists, including her unique method for coping with all-you-can-eat restaurants: Only return three times for refills and maintain a six-item maximum per visit to the buffet table. Sounds doable.

It was her 35-page list of affirmations that totally lost me. Here she decodes the “probable meaning” of foods as diverse as baked or broiled fish and Cap’n Crunch cereal and matches them with handy affirmations to wire the jaw shut. (See chart.)

If prayer is not for you, but science and math are, Barry Sears is ready to take you to “The Zone,” that place where no one gets depressed or jittery and everyone operates at peak efficiency. With the help of bars, charts, graphs, mathematical formulas and technical data, Sears, who owns a biotech company and is a researcher in drug delivery systems, comes to some controversial (he hopes) conclusions.

He thoroughly trashes the no-fat Dean Ornish camp, makes mincemeat of the USDA food-group pyramid, scoffs at juicing, skips the psychology and then tells people exactly how to eat in order to lose weight: 40% carbohydrate, 30% fat, 30% protein. He is strict, he is rigid and he outlaws rice cakes and carrot sticks. Talk about revolutionary.

My main problem with his plan--and I believe one could lose weight on it--is this: Why should I take culinary advice from a man who hates eating so much? Anyone who is capable of saying that “food is far more important than something you eat for pleasure” and recommending that people think of food “as if it were an intravenous drip” whose sole purpose is to modulate hormones should not be in the business of advising others how to sublimate their desires. He probably hasn’t had one in years.

No so Stephen P. Gullo, writing from the weight-loss trenches of Manhattan’s Upper East Side and Long Island, where the “winners” are thin and the “losers” are you know what. Gullo uses his training as a psychologist to treat victims of post-foodie stress disorder so they can realign their priorities for the ‘90s--or, in his words, “get real”--and pay attention to something other than food. His audience is more likely to gorge on cre^me brulee than Cap’n Crunch.

He gained my confidence by bravely stating that people gain weight as they age, that pregnancy and the pill in particular make women put on weight and that skinny may not be a realistic goal for everyone.

Nonetheless we can all try, and Gullo, who views food and weight control in a realistic, if upscale, cultural context, wants to be the man to guide us to our ideal weight. At least he remembers what it was like to enjoy a slice of pizza--before he realized it was really nothing more than “just a glob of calories.” He recognizes the power of food over people who allow themselves everything and supplies some interesting methods for avoiding it.

His main technique is a series of mantras on the bottom of each page. When readers encounter their “trigger” or “bad” foods--foods he recommends they totally abstain from, since there is no such thing as a little bit for a true dieter--they are to reprogram themselves with slogans like “You’ve come too far in life to take orders from a cookie”; “White [meat] is light and green is lean”; and “It’s better to wear Italian than to eat Italian.” Amen.

He gives solid culinary advice about eating a wide variety of foods, including spices and herbs, choosing fresh foods over processed and low calorie cooking in general. My trust did waver ever so slightly, though, when he went on to recommend a long list of brand name products, health spas and, of course, his own personal tapes. By the time he confessed a weakness for Arby’s Light Roast Chicken Deluxe, the thrill was gone. There is such a thing as too high a price to pay for thinness.

So if even the best-intentioned diet doctor isn’t perfect, what can a food writer recommend?

Eat less, exercise more and seek out delicious foods. They are always a pleasure.

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Food Craved: BATTER, CAKE (vanilla)

Probable Meaning: Insecure and feeling wounded. Feeling afraid and vulnerable to attack.

Affirmation: Love provides strength and wisdom in all my thoughts and actions.

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Food Craved: BATTER, CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE

Probable Meaning: Insecure and feeling attacked by love partner. Also, angry at self.

Affirmation: It is safe to express my true feelings; I forgive and I love.