LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

The Senator Packs It In: “Bob Packwood gave a 10-minute farewell speech. He would have talked longer, but he had to get to a farewell party at Hooters.” (Jay Leno)

* “The senator said there was still so much he wanted to do--his receptionist, that typing-pool secretary, the second-floor maid.” (Alan Ray)

* “Packwood has fondled more breasts than a counterperson at KFC.” (Paul Ecker)

* “Packwood’s supporters were left groping for answers.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “You can expect a sleazy movie to come out of this. The 10,145-page Ethics Committee report has been optioned by Sen. Phil Gramm.” (Bob Mills)

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Ray, on Sen. Bob Dole declaring war on bilingual education: “He’s taking a stand. And from now on, he will only doublespeak one language.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on tropical storm Henriette causing snakes to wash up on San Diego beaches: “They were a little early. The Republican convention doesn’t start there until August.”

Hamilton, on JFK Jr. unveiling George, his new magazine: “It covers the true backstage lifestyles of politicians. Uncle Teddy called to wish him luck, and remind him who controls the trust fund.”

Leno, on a new survey that reveals 28% of all Americans admit they sometimes urinate in the swimming pool: “Today, 19 countries withdrew from the ’96 Summer Games in Atlanta.”

Mills, on Los Angeles getting a $48.2-million federal grant for 643 police officers: “The big question is: Can the Klan turn that many out on such short notice?”

* Adds comic Jenny Church: “As one condition of the grant, the EPA insists that the city stop dumping the old ones in Idaho.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “Chief Willie L. Williams has promised a biopsy of Mark Fuhrman’s LAPD career. Wouldn’t it be more appropriate at this point to call it an ‘autopsy’?” (Donna Cohn)

* “While Fuhrman took the 5th, Marcia Clark looked like she could have used a fifth.” (Hugh Malay)

* “To give you some idea how much trouble Fuhrman is in, today he hired Johnnie Cochran to get him out of it.” (Leno)

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When Marina del Ray reader Pat Fleming’s daughter learned she was expecting again, she explained it to son Stephen, 5: “Mommy has a baby in her tummy.” The boy looked at his mom, his eyes widened, and he started to run from the room. Asked where he was going, Stephen replied:

“I’ve got to go tell Daddy!”