Don’t Make a Run for the Order

Rob Parker of Newsday will not be among those who watch the Hakeem Olajuwon-Shaquille O’Neal one-on-one matchup Saturday night on pay-per-view.

He has an alternative suggestion: “Don’t pick up the phone to place an order. Instead, make a big bowl of popcorn, pour yourself a tall glass of iced tea and watch a movie.

“Don’t waste your hard-earned money on this. It’s just another way to rip off the fans. It’s a farce, a fake. Unfortunately, many probably will pay to watch it. Mostly because a lot of people just don’t have anything better to do.”

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Trivia time: Who holds the NCAA Division I-A record for passing yards in a game?

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Count Ken? John Crumpacker in the San Francisco Examiner: “Ken Behring, who owns the Seattle Seahawks and most of Danville [Calif.], left for a monthlong hunting trip to Romania, of all places. What’s he looking for, vampires?”

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Count down: From NBC’s Conan O’Brien: “Boxer Peter McNeeley will star in an upcoming Pizza Hut commercial. It’s scheduled to be a 60-second spot, but there’s no telling if he’ll make it that long.”

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Unprecedented: Houston receiver Charles West on Monday was named offensive player of the week in the Cougars’ future home, Conference USA.

It was the first time in 81 years of Southwest Conference football that an SWC player got player-of-the-week honors in another conference.

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In-house rivalry: Gary Plummer, San Francisco 49er linebacker, on teammate Ken Norton: “The dramatic change is he’s back to his old self, boisterous and obnoxious. He’s not having to think, he’s reacting. It would be a rarity for a UCLA guy to think.”

Plummer attended California.

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Doomsday: Edwin Pope in the Miami Herald after Miami lost to Virginia Tech, 13-7, and faced the prospect of playing No. 1 Florida State on Oct. 7:

“If any Saturday ever loomed as a day of infamy in Hurricane football, it’s 13 days from yesterday.”

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Ouch! Nick Canepa in the San Diego Union-Tribune: “ESPN has reported Jerry Tarkanian violated NCAA rules his first week at Fresno State. What took him so long?”

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Back to the blackboard: Roger Theder, San Jose State offensive coordinator, after the Spartans lost to California, 40-7, on Saturday: “We thought going in we could play with Cal. Obviously, we don’t know what the hell we’re talking about.”

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Looking back: On this day in 1951, Norm Van Brocklin passed for an NFL-record 554 yards and five touchdowns to lead the Rams to a 54-14 rout of the New York Yankees at the Coliseum.

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Trivia answer: David Klingler of Houston, with 716 yards against Arizona State on Dec. 2, 1990.

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Quotebook: Syracuse football Coach Paul Pasqualoni on job security: “Football coaches have a way to get it done [because] if you don’t get it done, you don’t have to worry about getting it done because you’re done.”