LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

How will we know? . . . the impending government shutdown:

* “Millions of federal employees will have to stop not working.” (Conan O’Brien)

* “Being broke doesn’t mean the same in government as in the real world. It’s sort of like ‘lifetime suspensions’ in baseball.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “Sen. Bob Dole went all out to rally GOP support, standing at the Capitol and waving a golf club over his head. That’s how Republicans formally declare Holy War.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “If the politicians shut down the government, I hope President Clinton activates the burglar alarm in Congress.” (Stan Kaplan)

*

In the news: Jay Leno, on Dole admitting that he colors his hair: “The interesting thing is, he got the Grecian Formula from the original Grecian.”

Paul Ryan, on Colin Powell not hearing the call: “As soon as he decided not to run for President, Mario Cuomo offered to become his running mate.”

Cutler, on authorities releasing a new Unabomber profile: “This one shows him laughing, at the FBI.”

Bob Mills, on the possibility of Disney and the Dodgers bringing the NFL back to Los Angeles: “The big question is whether fans here are ready to have Pocahontas running their team so soon after Georgia Frontiere.”

Leno, on the NFL prohibiting a condom company to fly an airplane banner over its stadiums last Sunday, saying it was inappropriate: “When you consider what Art Modell is doing to Cleveland right now, I think condoms are very important.”

Mills, on the razing of the Landmark Hotel/Casino in Las Vegas: “The operation took three hours--one to final wire the dynamite, and two to drag LAPD Chief Willie L. Williams away from the slots.”

*

Ask Mr. Wizard: Steve Tatham, on researchers discovering a species of fish that change sex to suit social circumstances: “The fish are great for making Mrs. RuPaul’s Fish Sticks.”

Alan Ray, on a study that says doctors could use spider silk as suture material: “Of course, they’re creepy, unpredictable and patients don’t like them. And the spiders don’t fare much better.”

* Adds Richard Stutheit: “Only trouble with using the webs is, after surgery, patients keeping trying to climb the walls.”

Gary Easley, on researchers discovering that locusts use math to avoid objects in their paths: “But the locusts still don’t score well on the verbal.”

*

Canyon Country reader Donna Blowey was watching the video of “Cinderella” recently with her grandchildren. Pretending not to know the story, Blowey, was bemoaning Cinderella’s fate, saying, “Why does she have to do all the work?”

“It’s OK, Grandma” replied Nicholas, 5. “She’s going to get to go to the mall.”