THE NBA / MARK HEISLER : For Jordan, Would It Be Nothing but Net?

If they keep their New Year’s resolutions, what a lovely world it will be:

Michael Jordan--I’ve learned my lesson. I’m going to stick with what I do best. You know, that tennis doesn’t look so hard, does it?

Ahmad Rashad--Piece of cake, MJ, I’ll bet you could kick Andre Agassi’s butt. Whose deal?

Jerry Krause--I’ve always kept my resolutions! I said we’d never take troublemakers, but nobody knows the real Dennis Rodman. Do you know he takes underprivileged children to the Headbangers Ball?

Don Nelson--I’m never going to put myself in another no-win situation, after I figure out a way out of this one.

Pat Riley--Resigning by fax was definitely wrong, I see that now. Next time, I’ll hire a production company and do an infomercial.

Mickey Arison--Next time I hire a coach, I’m actually going to read his demands. It was OK to give him 20% of the team, $3 million a year and $300 a day for expenses, but having to rename my cruise ships was a bit much. What time is the King Riles I due into Nassau?

Dave Checketts--Hiring an egomaniac was wrong, I see that now. By the way, inasmuch as I have assumed the presidencies of both the Knicks and Madison Square Garden, you may address me as “Mr. President.”

Chris Webber--My mouth has gotten me in enough trouble, I’m just going to shut up and play. By the way, Juwan and I would like to be consulted on our new name. We think Fab Five would be nice. . . .

Charles Barkley--Next fall, I’m going to report in shape, or retire, or run for governor of Alabama, or President of the United States, or become an astronaut. Am I going too fast for you? Or maybe I’ll go to Hollywood and do one of those buddy pics with Brad Pitt. Come back tomorrow, I’ll think of some more.

Jerry Colangelo--OK, now that I’ve completed negotiations for my new baseball team and my new hockey team, let’s check the standings and see how my basketball team is doing. Fourth place?

George Karl--One more year and I’m out of this loony bin. I just have to figure out a new place to go. I’ll bet I could get through to Barkley.

P.J. Carlesimo--Next season, we’ll start out with a better schedule: Montclair State, Seton Hall Paterson, Camden Community College.

Larry Brown--This is my third season here? OK, where to next? Where haven’t I already been? Oh, nowhere.

Mike Dunleavy--Next time I draft someone called “Big Dog,” I’m going to ask how he got that nickname.

Webber--. . . and just in case we need a new coach, Juwan and I really liked Steve Fisher. Not that we’ve got anything against Jimmy Lynam. And Jalen’s not playing much in Denver. Not that we’ve got anything against Mark Price and Robert Pack. . . .

David Falk--I resolve once more never to give a sucker an even break. Here’s a price list for my upcoming free agents: Jordan $25 million a year; Alonzo Mourning $15 million, Dikembe Mutombo $10 million, Kenny Anderson $8 million. . . .

Jerry West--That does it! I can’t stand it any more! I resolve to get out of this business! No, seriously, this time I really mean it!

Derrick Coleman--You ask me this every year. What do I need with resolutions? My career’s going great. Check my paycheck.

Willis Reed--Now that we’ve gotten rid of all our head cases, we just have to rebuild the team. How about trading Shawn Bradley for that Rodman guy? I hear he takes underprivileged kids to the Headbangers Ball. OK, Shawn and Yinka Dare.

David Robinson--Now that I’ve been MVP, maybe I should ask Hakeem how you go about actually winning something.

Shaquille O’Neal--My resolutions are on my latest CD, “Shaq-Fu-Diesel with the Boston Pops” (Columbia Records, $13.99).

Karl Malone--Why is it that I renegotiate every two years and my salary won’t pay Coleman’s taxes? Maybe I should use one of those agents like the other guys do.

John Lucas--Let’s see, have we missed anyone? How about Roy Tarpley? Spencer Haywood? Marvin Barnes?

Jerry Stackhouse--Stay in college.

Kevin Garnett--You got that right. What’s it like, anyway?

Magic Johnson--I resolve never to announce another comeback, unless someone asks me. What’s Riles’ new number?

Donald Sterling--We have so many wonderful arena offers, I’ll have to sort them out one of these days. In the meantime, wouldn’t you agree the Sports Arena has the most intimate charm?

Webber--. . . and Juwan and I think maize and blue would be nice new colors. . . .

THINK FED EX CHARGES A LOT FOR MESSAGES?

Check this one out: Brian Shaw is now the NBA’s fourth-highest paid guard.

Yes, that Brian Shaw, who doesn’t even start for the Orlando Magic. He now makes $4.25 million, ranking him behind only Clyde Drexler ($9.8 million), Joe Dumars ($6.9 million) and Penny Hardaway ($5.2 million). Shaw, then a free agent, played last season for $692,000 because that was all the Magic could give him. In appreciation, the team signed him to a long-term, $15.8-million contract.

Of course, gratitude is only part of the story.

This was a message to upcoming free agents O’Neal and Horace Grant. The Magic, worried the Lakers will come after Shaq and Grant’s reported promise that if O’Neal leaves he’ll be on the next chartered jet, will take care of its own.

“We will stick with the philosophy that you must keep your own free agents,” says Magic personnel director John Gabriel. “That message will be sent home even stronger at the end of this season.”

If a No. 3 guard gets $4.25 million, and 6-9 center Mourning has reportedly agreed to $15 million a year, what will the one and only Shaq get?

As they say on Rodeo Drive, if you have to ask, you can’t afford it.

NAMES AND NUMBERS

The early leader, once again, for coach of the year is Cleveland’s Mike Fratello. After a 0-7 start, without Brad Daugherty (sidelined since the spring of 1994), Tyrone Hill (hurt last summer in an auto accident), Gerald Wilkins (gone to Vancouver) and Price and Hot Rod Williams (traded), the Cavaliers are an amazing 15-5. Says an insider in Atlanta, where they have mixed memories of the little Napoleon: “Mike can coach the hell out of a bad team.” . . . With a rare weekend off coming, Malone says he’s going up in the mountains on horseback to hunt lions with a bow and arrow. Why the bow and arrow? Or the horse? . . . Why the Bulls won’t win 70 games, no matter what their record projects to: 1) It’s hard, and 2) they’re smart enough not to care about it. “The record doesn’t mean [anything],” Rodman says. “The league is so watered down we can beat anyone. We can win 68, 69 games and it don’t mean [anything] if we don’t get the job done in the playoffs.” . . . O’Neal’s holiday message (via videotape on the Magic scoreboard, of course): “I would like to wish all of the fans in Orlando and throughout Florida--except for Miami--a Merry Christmas.”

The Hornets are so desperate for a center (they consider George Zidek a project, even if they start him), they offered Robert Parish and a No. 1 pick to Toronto for Oliver Miller, whose attitude was so bad, two teams needing centers (Phoenix, Detroit) shipped him out. Meanwhile, Hornet General Manager Bob Bass, on a one-year deal, refuses to commit himself to anything longer, suggesting that frenetic owner George Shinn is making him crazy. . . . Meanwhile Miller keeps vowing revenge upon Piston Coach Doug Collins, who accused him of rigging the scales before he was weighed and put him on the expansion list. The first time Miller played the Pistons, he spent the night glaring at Collins but scored only 11 points and Detroit won. “Of course I want payback,” Miller said before last week’s game at Auburn Hills. “Only this time I’m going to take my time, let the game come to me, be more relaxed.” Perhaps too relaxed, he scored five points and the Raptors lost by 22.

Collins, always a burnout candidate, has had a loud honeymoon, but the Pistons, who were 9-19 last season, started 14-14. “He yells and he gets after us,” Lindsey Hunter says, “but deep down we know it’s because he cares about us and he’s trying to get us to win. He’s making us tougher, making us better and that’s all I care about.” . . . Laughing into the abyss: The Suns’ latest comeback was truncated on Christmas by the Spurs, who beat them at America West Arena. Just as NBC’s Bill Walton was declaring Barkley had matured, Barkley missed a free throw and bit off an obscenity that could be heard throughout the arena and over NBC. . . . Kevin Johnson is out again (groin). Said Coach Paul Westphal: “No one understands his injury so how can we tell when he’ll be back?” . . . Vice president in charge of nothing Cotton Fitzsimmons says he has found an even better job and intends to apply for it--Buddy Ryan’s old one. “The last guy got a $1.3-million payoff,” Fitzsimmons said. “That’s the kind of job I’m looking for.” . . . And Joe Kleine, on possible moves: “Charles and I have no-trade clauses. His is written in. Mine, well, nobody wants to trade for me.” . . . Of course, the Spurs did the same thing to the Lakers’ latest comeback, but none of the Lakers have said anything funny about it yet.