Attention Shoppers: Report to Barricades

Around Los Angeles City Hall, Francine Oschin is best known as an assistant chief deputy to Councilman Hal Bernson. But she wants to move up in the world--to Sacramento, representing the San Fernando Valley in the state Assembly.

Hers is an uphill campaign. So, eager for a little publicity, Oschin recently put out a news release: “ASSEMBLY CANDIDATE SUPPORTS PLAN FOR VALLEY BREAKUP.”

This had nothing to do with the effort to dismantle the Los Angeles Unified School District. No, Oschin was endorsing legislation from Assemblywoman Paula Boland (R-Granada Hills) to make it easier for the confederated communities of the San Fernando Valley to secede from the big, bad city of Los Angeles.

The movement to dismantle the LAUSD is genuine. This business about the dismantling of L.A. is phony baloney. It’s a gimmick, an exercise in political posturing. Still, an informal Daily News phone-in poll showed (surprise, surprise) that secession was favored overwhelmingly. The tally was 1,032 to 133, a margin of nearly 8 to 1 (though the Daily News called it “nearly 10 to 1”). Obviously, only a tiny percentage of readers cared enough to call. Boland, who’s running for the state Senate, just wanted to remind voters that she’s a champion of Valley interests--and Oschin wanted to ride a little ripple of ink.

Opportunism abounds. Boland’s bill inspired Steve Harvey, scribe of The Times’ “Only in L.A.,” to recently rehash the winners of a whimsical Name-That-Valley contest. Duty requires me to re-rehash some here.

“Twentynine Malls” was the winner, though I have a soft spot for “McValley,” “Rancho de Los Ranchos” and “Absolutely Not Sepulveda.” The cruelest, by far, was “Valle de Nada.”

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“Valley of Nothing”? The nerve! Twentynine Malls, after all, would still be one of the nation’s largest cities. There is a there here. Remember, the San Fernando Valley, by any name, would still be the birthplace of Proposition 13, the Ft. Sumter of the great national tax revolt. It would still be “The Home of the Valley Girl.” And Twentynine Malls would remain the capital of the adult video industry. Goodness knows what the city seal would look like.

Separatists argue that Twentynine Malls, freed from the shackles of Los Angeles City Hall, would be able to keep all its taxes to itself--assuming that it would collect taxes. But the greater value would be the new image.

No longer would the Valley be part of its evil twin to the south. Twentynine Malls could more easily distance itself from the troubles of recent years, namely the rioting and a certain double homicide in Brentwood. That bad stuff happened there, not here. (OK, it’s true that Rodney King received his famous beating right here in the Valley, in Lake View Terrace. But it could be pointed out that that was before secession. Those were officers of the LAPD, not the TMPD.) Distancing Twentynine Malls from the Northridge earthquake would, admittedly, be a tougher task.

Still, cityhood could give Valley property values a little boost. When the FBI indexed crime, for example, Twentynine Malls would surely compare favorably to Los Angeles. That’s not to say Mallers would be less likely to be crime victims. Just that it would look that way on paper.

And by severing ties with the patronizing snobs of the Westside, who say the Valley has no capital-C Culture, Twentynine Malls could be free to celebrate its own. Mallers could flex their political muscle at the Metropolitan Transportation Authority. Instead of a subway, perhaps an elevated rail could be built, starting at CityWalk and connecting to each and every galleria, fashion center and plaza. With all that sales tax, who needs property tax?

But wait. The county collects property taxes. Besides, cityhood would create all kinds of fights. People who got into a snit over whether to move a statue named Fernando would go to war over where to put City Hall. The East Valley and the West Valley already have their feuds, and how much does Encino have in common with Pacoima, anyway? No, cityhood might create more problems than it’s worth.

That’s why the revolutionaries should think grander thoughts. Why not statehood? Twentynine Malls, after all, already has more people than some states. As a state, it could wipe out property taxes once and for all. It could host a Republican primary and have two U.S. senators.

“Hi,” a smiling stranger would say, offering his hand, “I’m Mike Huffington, your new neighbor.” Soon Arianna would be in the governor’s mansion.

But Mallers would still be at a loss over what to do about people who don’t speak English. Only a sovereign nation can protect its borders. The world media would soon be writing about the breakaway Republic of Twentynine Malls.

The Mallers might be crushed. But this proud, fierce land would never again be called Valle de Nada.

Scott Harris’ column appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. Readers may write to Harris at the Times Valley Edition, 20000 Prairie St., Chatsworth 91311. Please include a phone number.

Separatists argue that Twenty-Nine Malls, freed from the shackles of Los Angeles City Hall, would be able to keep all its taxes to itself--assuming that it would collect taxes.