His Story Needs a New Title

The heavyweight champion of the world used to occupy a special niche in this society. When John L. Sullivan said “I can lick any man in the house!” a nation shuddered. When Jack Johnson kept laughing and knocking over Great White Hopes, some cheered and some gnashed their teeth. When Jack Dempsey fell, small boys wept. Muhammad Ali slipped into a place in history you used to have to be president or prime minister to occupy. And so on.

That’s as long gone as the horse-drawn trolley. The heavyweight champion today comes in focus as a group shot. There’s enough of them to form a glee club. They need a photo caption saying “Current heavyweight champions, reading from left to right.” They’re as anonymous as busboys.

If I told you Bruce Seldon was heavyweight champion of the world, could you conjure up a picture of him? Of course not; only his mother could do that. If he said he could lick any man in the house, the bartender would laugh.

The truth is, there is no heavyweight champion of the world. In Joe Louis’ day, those who claim to be today would be the cast of characters in his bum-of-the-month campaigns.

The “uncrowned champion” used to be a staple of the fight game. This was a guy everyone knew should be champion but maybe had trouble getting a title shot.

Everybody knows who this guy is, who the real heavyweight champion of the world is. He’s Mike Tyson, who can not only lick every man in the house but probably would be even money against a charging water buffalo.

Tyson’s a throwback to the days when our heavyweight champions hopped freights or knocked guys out in carnival booths. He didn’t have to say he could lick any man in the house. You already knew it. When Tyson got mad, you didn’t need a referee, you needed a priest. You got one call--to 911.

Everybody else is just a Marlon Brando character, a contender. No matter what gaudy title they affix to their names.

Tyson is fighting one of these impostors March 16 at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. Frank Bruno is the nominal (World Boxing Council) heavyweight champion of the world. He has a good punch. He also has a chin of such pure Waterford crystal, it gives rise to the adage that people who live in glass jaws shouldn’t throw punches. The biggest danger in fighting Bruno is, you might get hit by flying glass.

But Bruno is the boxing version of dandruff. You can’t get rid of him. It used to be in this business, when you got knocked out, you’d hang them up. Go out of the picture. Get a day job. Not Bruno. He has been on more canvases than Rembrandt. Maybe he just likes the view from down there.

How did he get to be champion? The usual way. Legislation. He got knocked out by Lennox Lewis, who inherited the WBC title because Riddick Bowe wouldn’t fight him. Then Lewis got knocked out by Oliver McCall, whoever he is. Then Bruno decisioned McCall.

The proposition is not whether Tyson can shatter the glass under Bruno’s lip. The prevailing notion is any Italian tenor could do that with the high C from Madame Butterfly. Anyway, Tyson has already done it--seven years ago in Las Vegas.

They had a conference call Tuesday for the once-and-future champion, Tyson, in which he confessed that, in the earlier fight, he was beginning to suffer from “burnout.” (Joe Louis never got burnout. Joe Louis gave burnout.)

Tyson was, for him, reflective, almost wistful. His new religion, Islam, has given him a compassionate view of and respect for humanity, he said. “We are all human beings, andGod wants us to respect each other.”

This should not reassure Bruno, however, because Tyson separates church and state. He reconciles his aggression with the fact “I’m in the hurtin’ business.”

Did he see any difference between the Bruno of 1996 and the one he fought in 1989? “He runs more,” Tyson said.

It was Joe Louis who said of an opponent, “He can run, but he can’t hide.” Frank Bruno probably can’t do either.

The MGM Grand $1,000 seats are already sold out for next week’s fight, and the Showtime pay-per-view subscriptions are at an all-time high. The public knows who the champ is.

Bruno will be Tyson’s toughest test since leaving prison, but that’s not saying much. Tyson’s shadow was more of a test than Peter McNeeley or Buster Mathis Jr. Tyson didn’t even know McNeeley showed up.

And all that will be left to do after Tyson gets through with Bruno will be to sweep up the glass.