Most Are Hard-Pressed to Keep Up With Indians, Braves

Major league baseball, un-realigned for 1996 . . .

1. Cleveland: Note to Albert (I’m Really Not a Jerk, You #&*%!) Belle: The Cleveland Indian franchise also tried to rehabilitate its image, and eventually did succeed. But it took 40 years.

2. Atlanta: Defending world champions visit Dodger Stadium April 8, 9 and 10. Still shaking in their cleats at the very thought.

3. Baltimore: If Roberto Alomar had a dollar for every game Cal Ripken has played in a row, he could afford to take half a day off this season.

4. New York Yankees: Telltale sign George Steinbrenner still calls the shots: The Yankees will pay Kenny Rogers $5 million this season. To solidify the middle relief.

5. Boston: In lieu of sit-ups this spring, Red Sox Manager Kevin Kennedy announced daily to his players, “Remember, Canseco’s playing right field this season.” Laughter is very good for tightening up the stomach muscles.

6. Dodgers: Plutonium Glove Award winner Jose Offerman--the thing’s radioactive--leaves for Kansas City and the Dodgers can’t go a day without trashing. Hey, the guy was an All-Star last year.

7. Angels: On-again, off-again Disney-Anaheim negotiations suddenly on again. Reason? Last week, Disney executives finally screened the slickly edited 1995 Angel highlight film. First scene: Opening Day. Last scene: Aug. 15.

8. Seattle: In 1995, Mariners overcome 13-game deficit to steal the American League West championship from the Angels. In 1996, Ken Behring considers moving his Seahawks to Orange County. Anaheim-Seattle relationship continues to worsen.

9. San Diego: The first five in the batting order: Rickey Henderson, Steve Finley, Tony Gwynn, Ken Caminiti, Wally Joyner. The first three in the starting rotation are Andy Ashby, Bob Tewksbury, Joey Hamilton. The bullpen stopper is Trevor Hoffman. The Dodgers are talking World Series, but can they win the I-5 Series?

10. St. Louis: Former manager of Athletics moves to St. Louis, brings Dennis Eckersley, Todd Stottlemyre, Mike Gallego, Rick Honeycutt and pitching coach Dave Duncan. Tony La Russa, Oakland raider.

11. Houston: The Oilers are headed for Nashville, the Astros are thinking about northern Virginia. Just as we long suspected. Houston will forever be a Rockets town.

12. Chicago White Sox: Tony Phillips, the new left fielder, is 37. Danny Tartabull, the new right fielder, is 33. Harold Baines, the new designated hitter, is 36. Returning shortstop Ozzie Guillen and catcher Ron Karkovice are 32. Call them the Pale Support Hose.

13. Texas: The Rangers’ starting rotation: Ken Hill, Roger Pavlik, Kevin Gross, Bobby Witt, Darren Oliver. Otherwise referred to as “No Ryan and five days of cryin’.”

14. New York Mets: They’re calling their corps of kid pitchers--Jason Isringhausen, Bill Pulsipher and Paul Wilson--the Untouchables. As opposed to what the Mets have had for most of the ‘90s. The Unwatchables.

15. Chicago Cubs: Cub fans are always excited this time of year, hours before the first defeat. But what did they do this off-season? Pick up a 36-year-old second baseman who hasn’t played in a year and a half, that’s it.

16. Kansas City: The double-play combination will be Jose Offerman and Bip Roberts. No wonder Gene Mauch didn’t come back.

17. Colorado: Colorado used to have a hockey team named the Rockies and no baseball team. Today, Colorado has a baseball team called the Rockies and a hockey team called the Avalanche. Confused? So is Rockies Manager Don Baylor. The Avalanche has better pitching.

18. Florida: Baseball team owned by Wayne Huizenga spends $21.5 million on two pitchers--Kevin Brown (10-9 in ‘95) and Al Leiter (33-32 lifetime). Think about that the next time you rent “Under Siege 2.”

19. Cincinnati: Sparky Anderson will provide color on selected Angel telecasts until, oh, Ray Knight’s first three-game losing streak.

20. San Francisco: Barry Bonds inconsolable after losing to Albert Belle in one national magazine’s Biggest Lout in Baseball poll. Word is he might stop talking to writers.

21. Montreal: Felipe Alou wouldn’t sell his son for a playoff berth. No, Expos management will take care of that for him.

22. Toronto: Nixon’s in center. Carter’s in left. Dan Ford, retired Angel right fielder, reportedly contemplating a comeback.

23. Philadelphia: The 1993 World Series? Barely remember it.

24. Minnesota: Paul Molitor didn’t retire, he just moved to the Metrodome.

25. Detroit: Chad Curtis plays here. In case anyone asks.

26. Pittsburgh: Lance Parrish managed to find work, I see.

27. Oakland: La Russa’s gone, Rickey’s gone, McGwire’s out until mid-May with yet another injury. Who’s left? Geronimo!

28. Milwaukee: If this was English soccer, the Brewers would be relegated to the second division. Next year’s season opener: Milwaukee at Ipswich Town.