When It Comes to Collapses, Norman Is the Master : Crystal Ball Shows Future Will Involve More Pratfalls

Greg Norman owns jets, Jaguars, mansions, millions of dollars and golf trophies galore. He has his own line of hats, shirts, shoes and head-covers shaped like cute little hand-puppet sharks.

About the only thing Norman doesn’t have is one of those frog-green Wal-Mart blazers they give away in Augusta, Ga., to one lucky sucker every April. It is the amazing technicolor dreamcoat for Greg Norman, one that gets harder and harder to get, year after year after year.

APRIL 1997.

AUGUSTA, Ga.--Greg Norman lost another chance to win the Masters golf tournament today, after taking a 10-stroke lead into the final round. Norman’s final round of 80 included two bogeys, two double bogeys and a triple bogey on the 18th hole, where Norman’s second shot bounced off the head of CBS sportscaster Jim Nantz and into a fully equipped Cadillac sedan, headed toward South Carolina.

“That was a tough break,” Norman said.

APRIL 1998.

AUGUSTA, Ga.--Greg Norman’s best chance yet to win the Masters golf championship came to an abrupt end here today, when Norman began the tournament’s final round with a tee shot that came right back at him like a boomerang from his native Australia. The ball struck Norman directly between the eyes, causing him to withdraw from the tournament.

“I hated to see that coming,” Norman said.

APRIL 1999.

AUGUSTA, Ga.--Greg Norman, an amazing 20 shots in front of the field heading into today’s final round, was denied his bid to win the Masters golf tournament when a hawk flew out of a tree, plucked Norman’s ball off the 18th green and flew away with it, causing Norman to be disqualified. Norman had a score of 55 after 17 holes.

“Really bad timing, that bird,” Norman said.

APRIL 2000.

AUGUSTA, Ga.--Greg Norman’s turn-of-the-century Masters tournament turned out the same way many of his others did, when Norman shot 63-62-61 over the first three rounds, only to push and then head-butt a PGA official, who had gotten in the golfer’s way en route to the scorer’s tent. Norman pulled off his shirt and threw it into the gallery.

“They’re out to get me,” Norman said.

APRIL 2001.

AUGUSTA, Ga.--Dying his hair pink did not help Greg Norman in today’s final round of the Masters, where he saw a 30-shot lead slip through his fingers, permitting the extremely old Jack Nicklaus to become the surprise winner. Norman took an 18 on the 18th hole, chipping into a Chinese restaurant across the street from the course, then six-putting.

“That restaurant, that was definitely a turning point,” Norman said.

APRIL 2005.

AUGUSTA, Ga.--Greg Norman’s 72-over-par round of 144 on the final day of the Masters cost him a pretty good shot at the championship today, even as fellow golfers missed putts on purpose, trying to let Greg win.

“I just can’t buy a break,” Norman said.

APRIL 2010.

AUGUSTA, Ga.--Greg Norman, golf pro and author of “Greg Norman’s I Hate the Masters Golf Book,” rallied from 29 shots off the pace to challenge for the tournament championship today, only to lose to last-minute entry Amy Alcott when his approach shot at the 18th green bounced in and out of the cup, all the way to the 17th green.

“You talk about rotten luck,” Norman said.

APRIL 2026.

AUGUSTA, Ga.--Greg Norman, battling Senior PGA Tour earnings leader Tiger Woods for four days in a row, finished in second place at the Masters for the 25th consecutive year, losing in a sudden-death playoff when Woods got a hole in one on a 595-yard par five.

“Tiger really got all of that one,” Norman said.

APRIL 2035.

AUGUSTA, Ga.--Greg Norman, not seen in the state of Georgia for nearly 10 full years, returned from Australian seclusion to fire a final-round 59 at the Masters, only to lose by one shot to the Rev. John Daly.

“Guess I got my shrimp cooked on the barbie again,” Norman said.

APRIL 2036.

AUGUSTA, GA.--Greg (the Great White Walrus) Norman, 40 years older and 40 pounds heavier than he was when the 1996 Masters championship got away from him, finally won the Masters championship today. Slipping into a size-48 green jacket, Norman said, “All I have to do now is sign my scorecard. Has anybody seen my scorecard?”