Jeff George, You’re No Dan Marino

Week 5 and the questions:

1. Why is it when Dan Marino snaps on the sideline he’s described as a competitor and when Jeff George does, he’s a brat?

2. How lame are the New York Jets?

3. Besides being hit in the head one too many times, is there an explanation for Chicago Bear linebacker Joe Cain leaving a ticket at the will-call window each week for Prince Far I, the deceased reggae artist?

4. What’s wrong with the New York Giants?

5. What’s this week’s most outrageous upset pick?

And the answers:

1. The difference might be in who’s wearing the headsets. In Miami, Marino was yelling at an established Coach Don Shula; George is dealing with June Jones, a coach who is in serious need of a scapegoat. Jones’ move to Bobby Hebert last week appeared premature and disastrous to George’s standing as team leader after he had dedicated his off-season to improving his conditioning and his on-the-field presence. Getting rid of George might buy Jones more time on the sideline, but then if Hebert was the answer to what has gone wrong in Atlanta, why did the franchise dedicate itself to re-signing George and making him the starter?

2. In the Jets’ last 17 games, they have produced one first-quarter touchdown. Do these guys practice during the week? The Colts, who have the excuse of playing without six starters because of injuries, fall behind, but most of the time they come back to win. The Jets have lost 15 of their last 17 games.

3. No. “I’ve been doing it for years, but he’s never picked it up.” Cain said. “As long as I play for the Bears, I guess there will always be at least one no-show at every game.”

4. Too much charity work. The NFL reported this week that Giant players made 40 visits to area schools, community centers and hospitals last week, and everybody knows nice guys finish last.

5. The Giants knocking off the undefeated Vikings. Minnesota is coming off successive emotional NFC Central Division wins over Chicago and Green Bay, and how could the Vikings not take the pathetic Giants lightly? They rank 29th on offense and defense, which means they are improving--they aren’t last.

ON TV

* WINNING CURES ALL

Minnesota (4-0) at New York Giants (1-3), 10 a.m., Channel 11: There was talk of Minnesota Coach Dennis Green losing his job a few weeks ago because of his off-the-field problems, but all is well, apparently so long as the Vikings continue to win. Good thing Dan Reeves isn’t in a similar situation.

--Say what: New York is 13-8 when quarterback Dave Brown throws at least one touchdown pass, which shows you how often Brown throws touchdown passes.

--Player to watch: Warren Moon needs 256 completions to move past Fran Tarkenton into second place on the NFL’s all-time list. Check the halftime stats--he might be in position to make it against these guys.

--Finally: Is the Vikings’ fast start a fluke? The team has gone 9-3 in its last dozen games.

* WEEK’S TOP CLASH

Kansas City (4-0) at San Diego (3-1), 1 p.m., Channel 4: The Chargers have slapped around the Oakland Raiders, Seattle Seahawks and Cincinnati Bengals, but so has everyone else. When they went up against the Packers, that wasn’t the cheese smelling up the joint in Green Bay. Now the “great pretenders” get the Chiefs, the team to beat in the AFC West, who are short on wide receivers and tight ends and hurting at defensive end, in their own backyard.

--Say what: The opposition has moved the ball inside the Chargers’ 20-yard line a dozen times this season; 11 times they scored a touchdown--the league’s worst showing.

--Player to watch: Sean LaChapelle. The human glacier, who is so slow he has petitioned the league to allow him a head start before each snap, is back in the NFL with the Chiefs because of a season-ending knee injury to Lake Dawson. If he gets into the game, it’s a sure sign the Chiefs will be trying to run out the clock.

--Finally: They aren’t flashy or overpowering, but the Chiefs have won 12 consecutive games in the AFC West.

* ENJOY THE SIGHTS

Atlanta (0-3) at San Francisco (2-1), 1 p.m., Channel 11: Here’s hoping the Falcons get a chance to visit Alcatraz, take a trolley ride and get a good meal down at the wharf, because otherwise this is a wasted trip. The 49ers have to be smarting after their pratfall in Carolina, and the Falcons are a team in disarray since Jones banished George for talking back.

--Say what: George’s replacement, Hebert, is 53-34 as a starting quarterback, putting him just behind Steve Young (.613) among active quarterbacks with a winning percentage of .609.

--Player to watch: Wide receiver Jerry Rice, who holds the NFL record for touchdowns with 156, and who is currently very unhappy. How much effort do you think the brain trust will put in this week in setting up a play to make sure Rice scores his first touchdown of the season?

--Finally: The 49ers mean business--Elvis Grbac starts for Young, who has a groin injury, and running back Terry Kirby will come on for Derek Loville.

* NEW COMEDY SERIES

New York Jets (0-4) at Washington (3-1), 5 p.m., TNT: The Jets are going prime time with their sitcom, which features a coach who can’t win, a quarterback who can’t throw and a loudmouth wide receiver who is just a hoot.

--Say what: Norv Turner, who was a Rich Kotite-like 6-22 in his first 28 games with the Redskins, has driven his team to six wins in their last eight games.

--Player to watch: Wide receiver Wayne Chrebet, who is the answer to the trivia question: Who leads the AFC in third-down conversions?

--Finally: The last time these two teams met, the Jets prevailed, 3-0. That’s one, two, three to nothing.

ROAD TRAPS

Carolina (3-0) at Jacksonville (1-3): These teams played in their franchise and exhibition debuts a year ago, and it was an indication of what was to come. Carolina prevailed, 20-14, and then built a 10-9 regular-season mark to date, while the Jaguars have gone 5-15.

--Say what: Carolina is the second expansion team in NFL history to open its second season with three victories. Who was the other team? Wrong. Cincinnati in 1969.

--Player to watch: Quarterback Steve Beuerlein. Kerry Collins is Carolina’s future, but while he rests an ailing knee, Beuerlein gets the opportunity to improve his resume.

--Finally: Jacksonville quarterback Mark Brunell has topped 200 yards passing in six consecutive games.

Denver (3-1) at Cincinnati (1-2): John Elway is 4-0 against the Bengals but has never played in Cincinnati. The Bengals should be more concerned right now that they have never played against Terrell Davis, who has three consecutive 100-yard games. The club record is four by Bobby Humphrey in 1990.

--Say what: The Bengals average 31 minutes 14 seconds with the ball this year, compared to last year’s 26:57, and yet the offense has sputtered in comparison to last year’s.

--Player to watch: Cincinnati defensive tackle Dan Wilkinson, who started slowly after being the No. 1 player in the 1994 draft, has a sack in each of the last three games.

--Finally: Quarterback Jeff Blake, who jumped onto the scene as one of the game’s best deep throwers, is averaging an AFC-low 5.48 yards per gain.

Green Bay (3-1) at Seattle (1-3): The Seahawks had to scratch to beat lowly Tampa Bay, and now they get the Packers, who were stunned in Minnesota last week. The Packers’ defense ranks No. 1 in the league, and this is not good for Seattle quarterback Rick Mirer, who ranks 15th in the AFC, and running back Chris Warren, who ranks 19th.

--Say what: Consider who is playing in this game and who do you think leads all players in sacks? Seattle’s Michael Sinclair, who has an NFL-best seven--five more than Reggie White.

--Player to watch: Green Bay quarterback Brett Favre has completed 71.2% of his passes with 14 touchdowns and three interceptions in his last five games against the AFC.

--Finally: The Packers were 4-0 against the AFC last season and are 12-5 overall during Coach Mike Holmgren’s reign.

Detroit (2-2) at Tampa Bay (0-4): The Lions finally exploded on offense, but was it a mirage? The Buccaneers have had the lead in the fourth quarter the last two games before being reminded they are still the Buccaneers.

--Say what: As bad as the Buccaneers have been, they have had seven opportunities to score inside the 20-yard line in the last two games and have done so each time.

--Player to watch: Detroit running back Barry Sanders. He has compiled more yards against Tampa Bay than any other team, 1,690, and has scored 12 touchdowns in 14 games.

--Finally: The Lions are 32-3 when scoring 24 or more points; the Buccaneers are giving up an average of 24 points a game.

GAMES MUST GO ON

New Orleans (0-4) at Baltimore (1-2): The Ravens signed running back Bam Morris, who is not eligible to play until Oct. 13 because of a drug suspension. They don’t need him--they are playing the Saints.

--Say what: Jim Everett has at least one touchdown pass in 10 of the last 11 games. Baltimore’s Vinny Testaverde has at least one touchdown pass in 32 of his last 40 games. Are you impressed?

--Players to watch: Running backs for both teams. The Saints rank last running the ball, and the Ravens, who are averaging 3.4 yards a carry, are No. 23.

--Finally: The Saints have won three of the last four games against the former Cleveland Browns.

Oakland (1-3) at Chicago (1-3): The loser can call it quits. The Bears have gone into the dumper since knocking off Dallas in the opening Monday night game and now will start ancient Dave Krieg in place of Erik Kramer, who has an injured neck. The Raiders will hand the ball to Napoleon Kaufman; nothing else has worked.

--Say what: Jeff Jaeger, who kicked for the Raiders, will be kicking for the Bears. Cole Ford, who might be kicking himself out of a job after a two-for-five start, beat out Jaeger to stay with the Raiders.

--Player to watch: Defensive tackle Jim Flanigan. He has caught four passes for the Bears--all touchdowns.

--Finally: The Raiders have not scored a touchdown on the ground since Nov. 19 against Dallas--10 games ago.

St. Louis (1-2) at Arizona (1-3): A week ago, Ram Coach Rich Brooks guaranteed Steve Walsh he was the team’s starting quarterback with no threat of being removed. Say goodbye to Walsh, who has been dropped to No. 3. Tony Banks will start and be backed up by Jamie Martin. Have the Cardinals ever been in better position to win two in a row?

Say what: The Rams are the only team not to have passed for a touchdown this season.

--Player to watch: Running back LeShon Johnson, who rushed for 214 yards in 21 carries, has moved from obscurity into the starting lineup for Arizona.

--Finally: The Rams decided against an all-rookie backfield, starting Harold Green at tailback ahead of Lawrence Phillips.

WORTH A LOOK

Houston (2-1) at Pittsburgh (2-1): Chris Chandler has the second-best quarterback rating in the AFC, and is that any more amazing than the Steelers’ ability to win despite injuries and free-agency defections?

--Say what: The Oilers have six more takeaways than giveaways, which helps compensate for their 27th-ranking pass defense.

--Player to watch: Mike Tomczak, who replaced Jim Miller as the Steelers’ starting quarterback, has six wins in his last eight games

--Finally: The Steelers are 28-6 at home under Coach Bill Cowher.