Poor sports: This week’s Great Umpire Uprising...

Poor sports: This week’s Great Umpire Uprising began when Orioles player Roberto Alomar spat in the face of ump John Hirschbeck. Says Premiere Morning Sickness, “Although Hirschbeck claims the blob hit him in the face, replays show it was high and outside.”

* Adds Mark Gonzales, “Had Hirschbeck responded the same way, it would have been a case of ‘The Umpire Spits Back.’ ”

New York City has started a quality-of-life hotline, which citizens can call to report crimes committed, trash heaved and flagrant loitering. “In other words,” says Alan Ray, “Jets game summaries.”

An America West plane, already airborne, was ordered back to Dallas to offload its 53 passengers so the California Angels could fly home on it instead. Says Alex Pearlstein, “I knew the Angels sucked, but not strongly enough to actually pull a plane out of the sky.”

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In the news: A 13-year-old honor student in Ohio is in trouble because she accepted a packet of Midol from another student. Says Gary Easley, “She obviously had a bad case of PMS--Pretty Moronic School.”

Mother Teresa became the fourth person ever to receive honorary U.S. citizenship when President Clinton conferred it on her this week. Says Steve Tatham, “The Dole campaign responded, ‘That’s all we need, one more immigrant with a low-wage job.’ ”

The American Heart Assn. says it’s OK to overeat on occasion, as long as you make up for it later. Says Easley, “Now we know where Clinton got his balanced-budget plan . . . McDonald’s.”

A potential juror in the O.J. civil trial told the court she knew nothing of the first trial and did “not have an opinion on anything.” Says Bill Williams, “Scientists tested her DNA and think she’s a direct descendant of the ancient ‘50s Sitcom Woman.”

The PSAT scholarship test is being changed to eliminate gender bias. Says Jenny Church, “Now it will be perfectly OK to stop and ask for directions.”

A street in Hollywood is being renamed in honor of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard. Says Tatham, “It’s a cult-de-sac.”

Former “NYPD Blue” star David Caruso wants to return to series television. Says Pearlstein, “I think he’ll have better luck on cable. Shelley Long, Gabe Kaplan and Erik Estrada are pooling their money to start up the Has-Been Channel.”

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Reader Ted Johnson of Costa Mesa says that years ago his late mother was baby-sitting a neighbor’s 4-year-old while preparing dinner. The boy was intensely curious. “What’s that? Whatcha doin’ now? Why’d you cut that?” and so on, endlessly. Finally, exasperated, the poor woman tried to hush him by asking, “Don’t you know that curiosity killed the cat?” His response:

“Was it your cat?”