Punch Lines

Countdown: We’re just one week away from Election Day . . .

* “People who are weary of Jack Kemp’s incessant football talk can console themselves that a week from now he’ll have to take a hike.” (Russ Myers)

* “Bob Dole is getting desperate. First he quits the Senate. Then he asks Ross Perot to drop out. Now, he wants to meet with Tonya Harding to see if she’s still got that lug wrench.” (Olympia Daily World)

* “On ‘Meet the Press,’ Perot said he’d vote for Dole over Clinton. Of course, that was right after he spent 30 minutes explaining why Manny is his favorite Pep Boy.” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “President Clinton will be one busy guy after the election. His things-to-do-today list for Nov. 6 reads: Pardon Hillary, pardon Tucker, pardon the McDougals, settle with Paula, go to dry cleaners, fly to Hollywood, appear on ‘The Dating Game.’ ” (Argus Hamilton)

*

In the news: New York will give its World Series champion Yankees a ticker-tape parade today. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, “In a grand show of sportsmanship, the Braves will lead the Bronx cheers.”

* Adds Alan Ray, “All across New York the cheer is the same: ‘Hey! What are you lookin’ at?’ ”

* Adds Hamilton, “It’s an especially proud occasion for George Steinbrenner, Joe Torre and Betty Ford. Their boys did it.”

Good news for Southern California homeowners: A Colorado firm has invented a device that sprays a fire-retardant substance on houses and shrubs. Says Steve Voldseth, “I’ve had one of those for years. It’s called my neighbor’s dog.”

Pope John Paul II proclaimed his belief that God and science can coexist. Says Cutler, “Of course they can. Who do you think got me through my chemistry tests?”

Informants say mob leaders want to oust John Gotti as head of the Gambino crime family. Says Ray, “Insiders claim it will take a lot to fill his shoes. At least two bags of cement.”

Old military bases are being used as movie studios. Says Buddy Baron, “They’re perfect--they’re big, they have room for equipment and they’re full of people who get up early just to wait around all day.”

The reigning Miss Canada, Danielle House, has been charged with assault after punching a woman in a bar. Says Olympia, “Not only are pageant officials unconcerned about the incident, she’s been signed to a contract with the Toronto Maple Leafs.”

*

Reader James Mackie of Los Angeles says his friend Jodie put her 3-year-old daughter, Alisha, into her car seat, then remembered that she had forgotten something and needed to run back into the house. When she finally got into the car she was muttering, “I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.” Alisha replied’:

“Mommy, you just don’t have time.”