Punch Lines

Heavyweight boxer Evander Holyfield TKO’d heavily favored Mike Tyson in a Las Vegas bout:

* “Holyfield gave full credit to Jesus Christ. Now there’s a religious right.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “He brought Tyson to his knees--a feat previously accomplished only by one other fighter, a district attorney and Tyson’s ex-wife’s lawyer.” (Gary Easley)

* “The fight was delayed briefly in the second round while the referee explained to Tyson that fights sometimes have second rounds.” (Alex Pearlstein)

* “Tyson doesn’t remember much after the first few minutes, until he found out he had lost. That happens to a lot of people who go to Vegas.” (Easley)

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In the news: In Veterans Day observances, President Clinton paid tribute to Bob Dole’s service to his country. Says Russ Myers, “Dole, in turn, honored Clinton’s record by purchasing a pair of Oxford shoes.”

David Brinkley said Clinton is a bore and will always be a bore. Brinkley is so wrong, says Hamilton: “Hillary’s tied to the tracks, Bill’s on a high wire over Whitewater Falls juggling four scandals with Paula Jones on his back, and Chelsea and Prince William only need to set eyes on each other for all hell to break loose. . . . The best daytime soap award goes to CNN.”

* Adds Joshua Sostrin, “You can just hear Clinton musing, ‘A bore, eh? Well, I’ll just put Hillary in charge of reforming Brinkley’s social security!’ ”

Economists fear that a decline of consumer installment debt may signal a slowdown in the economy. Johnny Robish promises to do his part to keep things going.

It was an unseasonably hot weekend in Southern California. Says Brian Matthews, “It was so hot the Thanksgiving turkeys were plucking themselves.”

Bank of America is increasing the transaction cost at its ATMs. Says Alan Ray, “There will be a slight change of procedure at each location. You don’t tear the receipt from the machine; it rips you off.”

A defense lawyer in Florida argued that his client had been driven insane by eating too much cotton candy. Says Jerry Perisho, “The jury’s reaction was unanimous: Snickers.”

The Milwaukee Brewers are building a new stadium to be called Miller Park. Says Jenny Church, “Day games only--until they install Lites.”

“America’s Most Wanted” is back on the air after 85,000 letters protested its cancellation. Says Hamilton, “The show teaches so much about police work. How many of us knew that the Macarena started out as a sobriety test in Albuquerque?”

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Reader Norma Stern of Vista was getting a report from grandson Joshua Sorensen, 6, about his visit to the Old Spaghetti Factory. He liked it quite a bit, he said, noting that except for him, everyone there was old. But that made sense:

“That’s why they call it the Old Spaghetti Factory.”