Punch Lines

Set ‘em up, Joe: Liquor ads could be coming soon to a theater near you. The Cutler Daily Scoop offers this script: “Hey, buddy. Girlfriend drag you to a chick flick? Don’t think you can survive alone? Then bring a second date: Johnnie Walker. While she’s weeping over some sappy scene, you can be knockin’ ‘em down manly style with your pal, Johnnie.”

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In the news: Los Angeles Police Chief Willie L. Williams says he wants to keep the job. Says Alex Kaseberg, “He promises to lower crime, increase police jobs and never, ever hit when the dealer is showing 16.”

* Adds Bob Mills, “Supporters cheered as he slid his stack of chips from the ‘pass’ line and planted them firmly on ‘stay.’ ”

The L.A. subway is costing $300 million a mile. The entire Marshall Plan, which rebuilt Europe after World War II, cost only $400 million, notes Argus Hamilton. “Of course, in Europe the shooting had stopped.”

A survey in George magazine named President Clinton as Most Valuable Politician. Says Cutler, “And ‘most valuable politician’ wins for Best New Oxymoron.”

The United States posted its worst quarterly trade deficit. Says Alex Pearlstein, “I think it’s probably all those campaign contributions Clinton had to return.”

A new study says Americans have more free time than ever--it just seems like we have less. Says Steve Tatham, “That’s not true--and I’d write a joke about it if I had the time.”

In Minnesota, a wealthy dentist and his family were charged with hiring a personal shoplifter:

* “Apparently, they got a little cocky after their hired jaywalker eluded a citation.” (Joshua Sostrin)

* “They hired the state’s top defense lawyer--and have already retrieved their retainer, thanks to the state’s top pickpocket.” (Mills)

How wet has it been this week? Says Darren Carter, “Man, it was raining cats and Dalmatians.”

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Slightly used: An Israeli company has invented a way to recycle disposable diapers:

* “It dries them and resells them as rap music.” (Stan Kaplan)

* “What’s new? The National Enquirer has been turning crap into newspapers for years.” (Bill Williams)

* “Why not? We’ve got No. 2 pencils, why not No. 2 paper?” (Jay Leno)

* “Kind of gives new meaning to the phrase ‘brown-bagging it.’ ” (Steve Voldseth)

* “Too bad we didn’t have that sooner. It would have made the perfect paper to print all those O.J. lawyer books.” (Williams)

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Reader Lois Schwartz of San Clemente says grandson Jonathan, 4 1/2, is enthusiastically learning anatomy on his dad’s computer. Asked why he has a belly button, Jonathan replied:

“That’s because I used to have an extension cord.”