What, No ‘Tickle Me Ditka’?

I dropped by a Toys R Xpensiv store near me, to check out the 1996 holiday games and toys for girls and boys.

Here’s what I found:

--Bubbly Roberto. He spits, he hits! Yes, now you can own your own Roberto Alomar doll. Just fill Robbie with water and watch what happens! When that spit bubble forms, uh-oh, Mister Umpire! Watch out! (New from Oriole Toys, $19.95.)

--The Atlanta FBI Game. Boom! A bomb has gone off in a public park. You’re the investigator. You’ve got a huge security force, plenty of evidence . . . but still no suspect! What do you do? (From Payne Games, $24.95.)

--Rodman Barbie. Look who’s coming. It’s dress-up Dennis. Skirts, tube tops, wedding dresses, the works. A dye job here, some nail-glitter there . . . he’s ready to play ball! Oh, look out, he just head-butted poor Ken. Not recommended for children under 18. (Bull Games, $49.50.)

--”Low Blow” Golota. Rock ‘em, sock ‘em, robot-boxing excitement. Just try socking Golota in the face. Oops, look out below! (From Duva Brothers, $89.95.)

--One-Legged Strug. “Here’s one-legged Kerri, proud as she can be. H-O-P-P-I-N-G.” You’ll get carried away! (Karolyi Patch Kids, $19.96.)

--Out of the Woods! The first action-packed computer golf game ever. For up to four players. Three of you are old, old, old golfers. You are trying to get to the 18th hole. Suddenly, a young Tiger springs out of the woods! Can you get safely to that green, before Tiger swallows you for lunch?!!! (Geiberger Games, $59.99.)

--Yankee Boy. Video baseball fun, for the whole family. See if your outfielder can catch a ball before Yankee Boy can. Hold him, scold him, spank his fanny, tell his nanny. Do whatever it takes . . . just don’t let Yankee Boy steal your home run! (Steinbrenner Novelty, $75.)

--Dick Vitale’s Shakespeare. “To be or NOT to be, BABY! That is the QUESTION, baby!” “Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore ART thou, Romeo, baby! Need a time OUT! Deny thy father and refuse thy NAME, baby!” (ESPN audio books, $9.95.)

--”Reins Dorf.” Tim Conway has never been funnier. You’ll howl as tiny baseball Dorf outwits his fellow owners. Watch as Dorf pretends to save money, then spends billions! (New from Bad Albert and the Cosby Kids, $55.)

--Ali’s Torch. The suspense game. Who will light the Olympic flame? Can you get the torch to Ali in time? Or will your archenemy, Smokin’ Joe, get there in time to snuff out your fire? Made in Manila. (Ko Sel Toys, $39.99.)

--Where’s That Cowboy? Hey, have you seen your wide receiver anywhere? Or your star lineman? Have you checked that football field, that locker room, that motel down the street? You want to play with Mike or Leon or any of the Cowboys? Go on, try to find them! (America’s Toys, $70.)

--Expense Account. The UCLA basketball home game. (Charles E. Young & Co., $1,000 and up.)

--Nomo No-No. Just try pitching a no-hitter in a teeny-weeny ballpark where the ball always blows out. Nomo can. Bet you can’t. Made in Japan. (Rocky Home Games, $22.95.)

--”What’s the Score?” Here’s your chance to pretend you’re a big-shot TV producer. You work for NBC. You know the score of your football game. You know you should tell your viewers the score. You know your rival Mr. Fox would tell the score. But you don’t tell your viewers the score. You will tell them the score when you are good and ready. Why? Because you’re NBC, that’s why! (Peacock Video, $4.)

--Marge’s Mutt. An overstuffed Saint Bernard that is smarter than its owner. Don’t let either one lick your face. (Cincinnati Games, $19.97.)