What I Did in 1996
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I built a bridge
I took the stand
I clutched my pen
In my right hand.
I broke the story
Of the Army rapes
I secretly made
Those Texaco tapes.
I slipped the White House
Some major bucks
I went out with Bill
For an Arch Deluxe.
I showed Tiger Woods
A new way to putt
I went on “Rosie”
I kicked “ET’s” butt.
I called the First
Lady a liar
I made a deal
With Jerry McGuire.
I went to Hebron
Saw peace on the skids
I couldn’t save
Those Scottish kids.
I dated Xena
She gave me a sword
Brought my “Frasier” spec
To Betty Ford.
At “The English Patient”
I needed hankies
So did the Braves
Against the Yankees.
I saw Mark Fuhrman
Become a felon
I came out on
A two-part “Ellen.”
I sucked up to
The religious right
Got a recording
Deal with Suge Knight.
Had laughs with Lithgow
One goofy fella
A last drink with Dean
A last song with Ella.
I surfed the Net
Bought CD-ROMs
I only hung out
With soccer moms.
I joined AA, brought
A gin and tonic
Alanis said, “Isn’t
“That ironic?”
I shot a bear
With Make-a-Wish
On Dick Morris
I had lots of dish.
I got fired by
Federico Pena
Taught Strom Thurmond
The Macarena.
I spit at an ump
I wasn’t sorry
I smoked dope with
Susan Molinari.
I found life on Mars
But not in Zaire
I watched Donahue
Call it a career.
At Jackie’s auction
I bought some wine
Proved “Anonymous”
Was just Joe Klein.
I loaded my guns
At the “Freemen” standoff
From Steve Young
I took a handoff.
I waved at the plane
That Jessica flew
Kenneth Starr wanted
More than I knew.
I told Ovitz
To leave the Mouse
Lost my GOP
Seat in the House.
I warned Ralph Nader
His chances were bad
I advised Lamar
He looked good in plaid.
I tried Olestra
And the date-rape drug
I wrenched my knee
With Kerri Strug.
I paid my “Rent”
I paid my dues
Watched Brando when
He trashed the Jews.
I married John-John
Divorced Diana
I sold my shack
Up in Montana.
I played “Twister”
With Helen Hunt
Never asked Cecil
Fielder to bunt.
I did PR
For Tim McVeigh
The Gulf War syndrome
Wouldn’t go away.
I intercepted
A pass from Jack Kemp
Inhaled at a rally
To legalize hemp.
Back in Chicago
I met Mayor Daley
I shared a cell
With F. Lee Bailey.
I prayed for Flight
800’s dead
Made Rupert start
His feud with Ted.
I stole boxes
Of FBI files
My T4 cells were
A cause for smiles.
I sighed when I heard
That Lasorda quit
Was in the limo
When Tupac got hit.
At “First Wives Club”
I read “The Rules”
The copy I borrowed
Was Richard Jewell’s.
I sued Eastwood
My eyes got squinty
I rescued a boy
With help from Binti.
‘96 sure was
Loud, wild and racy
Say good night George
Say good night Gracie.
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