What I Did in 1996


I built a bridge

I took the stand

I clutched my pen

In my right hand.


I broke the story

Of the Army rapes

I secretly made

Those Texaco tapes.


I slipped the White House

Some major bucks

I went out with Bill

For an Arch Deluxe.

I showed Tiger Woods

A new way to putt

I went on “Rosie”

I kicked “ET’s” butt.


I called the First

Lady a liar

I made a deal

With Jerry McGuire.

I went to Hebron

Saw peace on the skids

I couldn’t save

Those Scottish kids.


I dated Xena

She gave me a sword

Brought my “Frasier” spec

To Betty Ford.

At “The English Patient”

I needed hankies

So did the Braves

Against the Yankees.

I saw Mark Fuhrman

Become a felon

I came out on

A two-part “Ellen.”

I sucked up to

The religious right

Got a recording

Deal with Suge Knight.

Had laughs with Lithgow

One goofy fella

A last drink with Dean

A last song with Ella.

I surfed the Net

Bought CD-ROMs

I only hung out

With soccer moms.

I joined AA, brought

A gin and tonic

Alanis said, “Isn’t

“That ironic?”

I shot a bear

With Make-a-Wish

On Dick Morris

I had lots of dish.

I got fired by

Federico Pena

Taught Strom Thurmond

The Macarena.

I spit at an ump

I wasn’t sorry

I smoked dope with

Susan Molinari.

I found life on Mars

But not in Zaire

I watched Donahue

Call it a career.

At Jackie’s auction

I bought some wine

Proved “Anonymous”

Was just Joe Klein.

I loaded my guns

At the “Freemen” standoff

From Steve Young

I took a handoff.

I waved at the plane

That Jessica flew

Kenneth Starr wanted

More than I knew.

I told Ovitz

To leave the Mouse

Lost my GOP

Seat in the House.

I warned Ralph Nader

His chances were bad

I advised Lamar

He looked good in plaid.

I tried Olestra

And the date-rape drug

I wrenched my knee

With Kerri Strug.

I paid my “Rent”

I paid my dues

Watched Brando when

He trashed the Jews.

I married John-John

Divorced Diana

I sold my shack

Up in Montana.

I played “Twister”

With Helen Hunt

Never asked Cecil

Fielder to bunt.

I did PR

For Tim McVeigh

The Gulf War syndrome

Wouldn’t go away.

I intercepted

A pass from Jack Kemp

Inhaled at a rally

To legalize hemp.

Back in Chicago

I met Mayor Daley

I shared a cell

With F. Lee Bailey.

I prayed for Flight

800’s dead

Made Rupert start

His feud with Ted.

I stole boxes

Of FBI files

My T4 cells were

A cause for smiles.

I sighed when I heard

That Lasorda quit

Was in the limo

When Tupac got hit.

At “First Wives Club”

I read “The Rules”

The copy I borrowed

Was Richard Jewell’s.

I sued Eastwood

My eyes got squinty

I rescued a boy

With help from Binti.

‘96 sure was

Loud, wild and racy

Say good night George

Say good night Gracie.