Love’s labors:Turtles lead faster-paced lives than you...

Love’s labors:

Turtles lead faster-paced lives than you might think. When Clem, age about 30, disappeared from Dori Blackburn’s house in Long Beach, she put up posters, sent out fliers and ran newspaper ads. And she heard from 10 people who knew of turtles that had been found. None of which was Clem.

Clem, who belongs to Blackburn’s father-in-law, vanished after being brought over to mate with Blackburn’s female tortoise, Clemmie. A gate was left open.

Then, two weeks after his departure, he was suddenly spotted in Blackburn’s front yard.

Had Clem been temporarily adopted--and then returned--by another family? Or had the creature been on his own, perhaps seeking other female companionship?

“We don’t know,” Blackburn said. But she had this to report about Clem’s condition: “He’s exhausted.”

HEISMAN HUNT: Where’s O.J. Simpson’s Heisman Trophy? The plaintiffs in the civil trial against the football star are trying to seize it. But no one seems to know where the statuette is, including Simpson.

Here are some of our theories:

* Kato Kaelin accidentally put it out with the trash.

* Kato, the dog, buried it.

* O.J. accidentally hit it into the street with a 3-wood while practicing his chipping.

* Rosa Lopez saw it parked by the curb in front of Simpson’s house.

* Al Cowlings jettisoned it on the 405 during the police chase to give his Ford Bronco more power.

* It fell behind the couch after the thump on the wall.

* Mark Fuhrman took it to Idaho, where he claims it’s a trophy for the biggest salmon catch in the Snake River.

THE GREAT LOVER’S ROMANTIC PROBLEMS: Today marks the 75th anniversary of the surrender of screen idol Rudolph Valentino to L.A. police on a bigamy charge. The case grew out of his marriage to dancer Natasha Rambova in Mexicali, apparently before his divorce from actress Jean Acker was final.

Valentino biographer Vincent Tajiri wrote that Paramount Studios’ legal department, “seasoned by recent scandals involving their top stars, had learned the adage of the football fields, ‘a good offense is the best defense.’ ” The studio dug up a little dirt on the Los Angeles district attorney’s love life and the charges against Valentino were soon dropped.

LAUNDRY TAG POETRY: Lately we’ve been receiving a lot of samples of this neglected genre of literature. John Horn of Pasadena sent along the following directions, printed on a jacket:

For best results, machine or hand-wash separately . . . warm water--mild soap . . . do not bleach . . . tumble dry--low setting . . . iron on reverse side . . . use cool iron setting.

For not so good results, drag behind car through puddles and blow dry on roof rack.

miscelLAny:

UCLA’s student newspaper, saying it’s “tired of Hollywood-contrived awards shows that do plenty to bolster the egos of those who attend,” has inaugurated the Daily Bruin’s Bruin Choice Awards. Categories include: “Too Cool for Orange County,” “Most Likely to Get Human Credentials Revoked,” “Who Should Play Marshall Applewhite in the Heaven’s Gate Television Movie” and “Coolest Dead Person.” In the last category, don’t hold that bigamy problem against Valentino.