Motor-Mouth Madness

Reverend Billy C. Wirtz is as funny as a Marx Brothers movie. Even funnier than Reverend Horton Heat, Wirtz has that proverbial gift of gab that could sell a raincoat to a cactus.

Wirtz, with enough tattoos for a Hells Angels chapter, big hair and really scary shoes, will perform Saturday as part of an epic three-day blues fest and camp-out aptly named the Central Coast Blues & Brews at world famous El Capitan State Beach, north of Santa Barbara. He could probably use a tan, anyway.

With the likes of Charlie Musselwhite, Elvin Bishop, James Harman, Alvin Youngblood Hart, local legends Tom Ball & Kenny Sultan and lots more happening on two stages, this event is clearly the greatest blues blowout ever in the 805 area code.

At least 20 microbreweries will supply the lubrication to all those blues lovers, campers, fin heads, drunks, hippies and dogs, all of whom will congregate in a canyon not far from the state beach.

Reverend Billy’s gospel is simple, if lengthy: “The First House of Polyester Worship and Horizontal Throbbing Teenage Desire and Our First Lady of the White Go-Go Boot, Lord of the 40 Watt Undulating Bubbling Lava Lamp, Apocalyptic No Pizza Takeout After Twelve, Shrine of the Wrasslin’ Jesus, Achy Breaky Gooey Love Tabernacle from Saint Augustine, Florida,” which even sounds funnier than it reads.

Wirtz writes songs about midget wrestlers, lesbian truck drivin’ space aliens, the food chain of fools, high school marching bands that play the theme from “Deliverance” at halftime, Elvis getting a day job as Barney--just typical everyday stuff.

At a Wirtz gig, one-liners fly thicker than Little Debbie snack cakes during a hurricane at the factory: “I went back with my fourth wife for the third time to give her a second chance to make a No. 1 fool out of me.”

Through all his motor-mouth madness, Wirtz remains a virtuoso piano player, alternately doing the blues, boogie-woogie and whatever’s in between.

Wirtz spoke recently, a few days before opening for the Beach Boys--in one of the stranger double bills of all time--at the House of Blues in Myrtle Beach, S.C. It’ll give him an excuse to play “Mennonite Surf Party.”

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You’re the funniest guy in rock ‘n’ roll. Why aren’t you rich?

Part of it has to do with what I’ve chosen to do and where I’ve chosen to play. To make more money, you have to become more accessible, which usually means you end up playing to the so-called lowest common denominator demographic. I play at blues clubs and comedy clubs. The comedy people say I should play at the blues clubs and the blues people say I should be on the Comedy Channel.

Do radio and MTV love you?

Radio loves me but TV has been a complete washout. Morning radio gives me massive airplay, so I’ve got a good strong middle thing going. I’m too old for MTV, but I wouldn’t say I’m too hip, and I’m not like “Weird Al” Yankovic. I’ve got a nice respectable career and I get to do what I want. Songs about hillbilly hermaphrodites is what I do, but I also do songs like “Room 309” where you don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

Where do you fit in to the pantheon of southern rock?

First of all to use “pantheon” and “southern rock” in the same sentence is a difficult thing to conjecture. I guess I’m somewhere in the midst of all that.

Why the blues?

I always loved the blues. When I was 12-years-old, everybody else was listening to Gary Puckett & the Union Gap and I was listening to blues guys named after kitchen appliances always talking about “mojos” and stuff like that. I was always into roots music--roots gospel, roots country, roots whatever. And Gary Puckett still gets more airplay than Hank Ballard.

What’s Rev. Billy music all about?

It’s one of those things that’ll have to come from you, but maybe it’s Ernest Tubb meets Fats Domino and Amos Milburn. It’s not all blues, but there’s blues in there, and some country in there, too. It’s just roots--the roots from the twisted tree that grows in the swamp.

Who could drink the most beer--you or Reverend Horton Heat?

Since I’ve been clean and sober for almost 10 years, I’d have to say he could. I’ve never met him but I like his music. But I couldn’t stand all those people [at the Heat concerts].

How do you survive on the road?

For me, it’s staying clean and staying busy and practicing my yoga and keeping on a schedule that would make the Army jealous. The road has forced me to clean up my act. If you don’t get enough sleep, it can be a major drag. And don’t turn the TV on. The road and the ability to survive the road will make or break you. If you need a personal trainer and a baby sitter and a bus--that’s trouble. You have to make $1,500 a day just to support the bus. I keep it simple--it’s just me and my dog. That way, it’s easier to figure out where to go to lunch and there’s none of those band fights.

At concerts, do people stare, dance or take good notes?

All of the above. Some have a quasi-religious experience and others just laugh and have a good time. There’s still a lot of that sociopolitical correctness going around where you have songs like “Good Golly Ms. Molly” by Size-Challenged Richard. But sometimes people just misunderstand the whole thing, like a table full of stockbrokers in the larval stage sitting in front. The louder you play, the louder they talk. Then it gets vicious.

If not this, then what?

I’d probably be teaching or in jail, or teaching in jail.

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BE THERE

Friday: Tom Ball & Kenny Sultan (noon), Joe Craven & Camptown (12:45), Bluestone (1:30), Alvin Youngblood Hart (2), Ron Thompson & the Resistors (3:20), James Harman Band (5), Blueshawk (6), Tommy Castro Band (6:30), Charlie Musselwhite (8:15).

Saturday: Little Jonny & the Giants (noon), Blueshawk (12:15), Kay Bohler & the Kingpins (1:15), Tom Ball & Kenny Sultan (1:20), Reverend Billy C. Wirtz (2:20), Little Jonny & the Giants (2:20), Kay Bohler & the Kingpins (3:30), Sista Monica Band (3:50), Elvin Bishop (5), Deanna Bogart Band (5:15), Bluestone (6), Little Charlie & the Nightcats (6:45), Elvin Bishop Band (8:30).

Sunday: Sista Monica, Tom Ball & Kenny Sultan and others begin at 9:30 a.m.

FYI: El Capitan Canyon, north of Santa Barbara on the 101 Freeway. Camping begins at noon today. Festival ticket prices start at $10 for one day plus fees for camping. Call (209) 533-3473.