Laugh Lines

The New York Jets made first place in the AFC East. “All the jokes about the Jets have been packed up and Federal Expressed to Chicago.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

*

“It was so hot in L.A. last week, Robert Downey Jr.’s neighbors had to sleep with their windows open.” (Steve Voldseth)

* “It got so hot, Charles Barkley threw a guy through a window just to get some cross ventilation.” (Jay Leno)

*

Larry King and his wife repeated their vows in a formal ceremony, says Camille Brewster. “It’s tough being Larry King’s best man. It’s like being in the National Guard. You can be called up to active duty at any time.”

*

The George Bush presidential library will be dedicated this week at Texas A&M;, says Bob Mills. “The centerpiece in the main rotunda is a photograph of Tom Brokaw and Dan Rather surrendering to Wolf Blitzer at the end of the Gulf War.”

*

Re “The X-Files” season premiere: “Yes, Agent Mulder lives. No, we don’t know how you could tell.” (Daily Scoop)

*

After the Louise Woodward verdict, the British expressed anger over the U.S. legal system. “It’s the same as theirs except that their lawyers wear gowns and wigs,” explains Argus Hamilton. “In our system, the lawyers dress normally. It’s the sportscasters who wears gowns and wigs.”

*

A drug and alcohol specialist says Florida students know more about the Budweiser frogs than they know about figures in U.S. history. “Sam Adams, anyone?” (Mark Wheeler)

*

“China’s president admitted mistakes when questioned about Tiananmen Square,” says the Daily Scoop. “Sure. First make sure the cameras are turned off before you start running over people with tanks.”

*

“A study shows Los Angeles is the nation’s most congested city,” Mills says. “So where do L.A. families go on Sundays to get away from it all? A football stadium.”

* “Los Angeles NFL fans are giving lawn bowling a second, hard look.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

*

President Clinton has told his aides he wants to be chief justice of the United States. “This would be historic,” says Hamilton. “He would be the first justice to work with a pollster.”

*

The U.S. Supreme Court rejects a challenge to California’s Proposition 209. “Race can no longer play any role in the admissions process at state schools,” says the Daily Scoop. “Unless, of course, you can race past defensive backs.”

*

Nevada lawmakers have OKd a nuclear waste dump near Yucca Mountain. “The dump will be used to dispose of fuel rods, radioactive water and all existing tapes of Jenny McCarthy’s sitcom.” (Premiere Morning Sickness)

*

Russia is considering letting a director film a movie on board the Mir space station. Yuri Kara says, “Why shouldn’t I be the first director in space?” “Well,” observes the Daily Scoop, “second, if you include David Lynch.”