Laugh Lines

“The White House urged Americans to prepare for a cold and rainy winter due to El Nin~o,” says Argus Hamilton. “But the president himself won’t freeze. This White House is insulated by layer after layer of plausible deniability.”

* Los Angeles is ready for El Nin~o, says Alan Ray. “Structures are being prepared and plans are in place for replacement graffiti.”

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“The 0-10 Indianapolis Colts are so desperate for a win, they announced earlier this week that they’ll be going up against Susan Lucci for an Emmy.” (Mark Efman)

* “The Colts’ most productive play this season has been a quarterback option. Two wide receivers cross, and then Jim Harbaugh hits Jim Kelly.” (Ray)

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The Democrats continue to try to end the voter-fraud probe into the election of Rep. Laura Sanchez, says the Cutler Daily Scoop. “As you recall, former Congressman Bob Dornan claims that females and minorities somehow voted in the last election.”

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“The new book ‘The Dark Side of Camelot’ says that the Mafia put John F. Kennedy in the White House, and people are appalled at the idea . . . of yet another sequel to ‘The Godfather.’ ” (Jenny Church)

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“Starship Troopers,” the film about bugs invading the planet, was No. 1 at the box office last week. “It’s a science fiction flick,” says the Daily Scoop, “unless you’ve had an apartment in New York.”

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“Dennis Rodman said he lacks the desire to play basketball,” says Ray. “Of course his teammates don’t understand. After all, they are from Mars. He is from Venus.”

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“A new study shows that physicians make different recommendations to patients based on the patients’ financial status--and also based on whether the physician’s boat payment is due.” (Gary Easley)

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NASA’s neurolab mission is studying long-term weightlessness. “Wouldn’t it be a lot cheaper to watch a year’s worth of ‘Geraldo’ reruns?” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

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The New York Daily News published pictures of a purportedly pregnant Carolyn Bessette Kennedy. “Now everybody is playing the name game,” says Hamilton. “If it’s a boy, will they call him John John John?”

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President Clinton chose a 26-acre site in Arkansas for his presidential library. “It’s the only library with an overdue book charge of $50,000.” (Camille Brewster)

* The president claimed on “Meet the Press” last Sunday that he hasn’t eaten at a McDonald’s in the last five years, says Jay Leno. “Well, a photo surfaced showing him standing outside a McDonald’s five months ago eating French fries. Now Clinton claims he chewed the fries, but did not swallow.”

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H. Wayne Huizenga is selling the world champion Florida Marlins. Says the Daily Scoop, “Now that’s living the adage: Buy low, sell high.”