English Wear Heartbreakers on Their Sleeves

Total Sport magazine is printed in England, which may explain the European slant to its ranking of “Sport’s 50 Most Heartbreaking Moments” in its November issue.

Heartbreaker No. 1? The sight of England midfielder Paul Gascoigne breaking into tears after receiving the yellow card that would ban him from playing in the 1990 World Cup final.

Gascoigne needn’t have bothered--England never made it to that final, losing its semifinal game in a penalty shootout with Germany (Heartbreaker No. 18).

But the Buffalo Bills managed to crack the list twice--at No. 4, for Scott Norwood’s missed field goal at the end of the 1991 Super Bowl, and at No. 49, for losing four Super Bowls in succession.

“[The] experience of the Buffalo Bills in the early ‘90s was a collective trauma likely to require group therapy for years,” the magazine decreed. “Americans like winners, not gallant failures who ‘choke’ on the big day.”

Add Heartbreakers:

* No. 17: Greg Norman’s collapse at the 1996 Masters. “As he left the course [after 54 holes], one journalist wished him luck for the final round: ‘Not that you’ll need it, mate. Even you can’t mess up a six-stroke lead.’ Wrong.”

* No. 19: Gwen Torrence getting disqualified for running outside her lane after winning the women’s 200 meters at the 1995 World Championships. “She had beaten Merlene Ottey of Jamaica . . . by such a distance that it could not have affected the outcome of the race, but rules are rules.”

* No. 32: Bill Buckner’s World Series gaffe. “Eleven years after the 1986 World Series, Bill Buckner still can’t get a drink in Boston.”

Trivia time: Which is the oldest of these three football rivalries-- UCLA-USC, Michigan-Michigan State or Alabama-Auburn?

Maturity counts: Edmonton Oiler Coach Ron Low has been unable to light a fire under his team, regardless of how loud he yells.

“I’m kind of tired of talking to this team,” Low said. “Yelling and screaming, I don’t even do it with my two daughters at home, and they’re 5 and 2. I’ve done more yelling this year than I’ve done in three years as coach.”

Trivia answer: Heading into the 1997 season, Michigan and Michigan State had played 89 times, UCLA and USC 66 times, and Alabama and Auburn 61 times. Even so, the Alabama-Auburn rivalry is the oldest, dating to 1892. Michigan-Michigan State dates to 1898, USC-UCLA to 1929.

And finally: Charles Barkley was more miffed than usual when the Houston Rockets lost to Portland on Friday, Nov. 7.

Why?

Because of the Rockets’ ragged play, Coach Rudy Tomjanovich called a Sunday practice, meaning Barkley had to cancel plans to fly to Las Vegas for the Evander Holyfield-Michael Moorer fight Nov. 8.

“I would have gotten my ringside seat for free,” Barkley groused. “Instead, I had to pay $45 to watch it on television, just like everyone else.”