Speaking of Gardens, Here’s Quite a Variety

Downey’s California:

* “Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil.”

Must be a true story about leaving a New York Knick home game.

* O.J. Simpson’s house sells for a little less than $4 million.

I hear L.A. cops planted a fake bill of sale.

* George Foreman announces his retirement.

Good for George. Now he won’t have to stay in shape.

* Fred Couples drops out of the Skins Game.

If you’re going to have a skin game, you ought to do it with Couples.

* The NBA fines teams for letting players wear their shorts too long.

Question: What if Dennis Rodman’s shorts are the right length, but his slip shows?

* UCLA opens its basketball season against North Carolina.

A big edge going in: head-coaching experience.

* Long Island University 179, Medgar Evers 62.

That’ll teach me not to bet the point spread. The line in Vegas was only 116.

* If Arizona State wins today, it will be invited to play on New Year’s Eve in college football’s Fiesta Bowl.

This is one of those rich bowl games. It guarantees first-class bus fare.

* U.S. team begins play today in Davis Cup tennis against Sweden.

I forget. Is that at Goteborg or against Gote Borg?

* Scottie Pippen wants the Chicago Bulls to trade him.

Remember, it’s not about money. It’s about winning.

* USC, keep Coach John Robinson!

You know me. Always trying to be different.

* Michigan State’s invitation to play in the first Motor City Bowl is rescinded.

That also means no Tournament of Motors parade.

* “Alien Resurrection.”

Mike Ditka says he will keep coaching.

* Paul Kariya of Anaheim continues his holdout.

He will play only for the Almighty Bucks.

* Columbus’ NHL franchise will be known as the Blue Jackets.

I would call them the ‘92ers.

* Isiah Thomas is NBC’s new NBA commentator.

NBC is experimenting with one who wears men’s clothes.

* Atlanta Hawks, 12-2.

Maybe this can keep Ted and Jane up late.

* A new book is authored by “Li’l Penny.”

If you buy it, who’s the dummy?

* Billy Crystal is part owner with Jerry Colangelo of the Arizona Diamondbacks.

It’s all in his next film, “When Jerry Met Billy . . . “

* Lawrence Phillips is let go by the Rams.

Part of the team’s Say No to Thugs campaign.

* The Houston Rockets’ Hakeem Olajuwon is seriously injured.

What happened? Did he throw ice at Charles Barkley?

* University of Alabama’s coach fires a number of his assistants after a 4-7 season.

As sales of Bear Bryant postage stamp skyrocket.

* Washington State Cougars are in a Rose Bowl for the first time since 1931.

Last time, the school made hundreds of dollars in radio rights.

* Its opponent: Michigan.

As per tradition, the Wolverine coach will re-enact the memorial Bo Schembechler Gets Tangled Up in His Head-Phone Cord play.

* HBO’s “Don King: Only in America.”

It was so good, Oscar De La Hoya is leaving Bob Arum to sign with Ving Rhames.

* Barry Bonds asks a church to annul a marriage that lasted seven years.

So, this is what they mean by a seven-year itch.

* Joe DiMaggio’s Dec. 6 appearance at a Costa Mesa autograph show is specific: “Mr. DiMaggio will not sign lithographs, oil paintings, serigraphs, baseball cards, Steele-Perez cards, gloves, jerseys, plates, bats or unauthorized books.”

About all that leaves is for him to sign your face.

* A lock of Mickey Mantle’s hair is sold at an auction. Family members describe it as “ghoulish.”

Nonsense. I remember Mickey Mantle’s hair. It was very boyish.