You Can’t Tell the Players or Coaches Without This

They don’t make off-seasons the way they used to, do they?

After a summer that was supposed to be quiet turned into a dizzying bazaar, almost 25% of the league’s starting players have turned over.

That’s small compared to the 13 coaches--45% of the total--who were lopped off in the last year.

Imagine what could happen next summer, which is supposed to be a real shopping opportunity--Scottie Pippen, Terrell Brandon, Vlade Divac--if Commissioner

David Stern doesn’t lock everyone out first, as he has suggested he may, to close his circus for repairs.

Before we get back to the usual business of zinging the likes of Shawn Kemp and Derrick Coleman, we’ll have to see who has gone where.

In last season’s order of finish:

ATLANTIC DIVISION

1. Miami--Pat Riley signs Terry Mills, Todd Day and Eric Murdock but loses Alonzo Mourning for a month after knee surgery. Also, Dan Majerle’s back still hurts. Mills arrived weighing 286 pounds and you can imagine the steam coming out of Riley’s ears. Will the Heat recover in time? Will Riley shorten his torturous practices?

Answers: Maybe. No.

2. New York--Same old schleppers but even higher paid since Patrick Ewing, 35, extorted a $20-million-a-year deal that will take him through 39. Chris Dudley, formerly of Portland, is expected to sign, although Buck Williams was a good backup.

3. Orlando--New Coach Chuck Daly, new point guard Derek Harper, meaning the long-running mutiny against Brian Hill is over and Penny Hardaway can move to shooting guard, where he belongs. Bo Outlaw signed for $1 million--two-thirds of the $1.5 million the Clippers offered. Daly already loves him, proclaiming Bo “a mini-Dennis Rodman who can block shots better.”

4. Washington--Aside from their new name, the Wizards stand pat with their young, gifted, underachieving nucleus.

5. New Jersey--Embattled Coach John Calipari returns for Season 2, after trading two starters for rookie Keith Van Horn. Sam Cassell is the point guard. Jayson Williams has ended his feud with Calipari and returns (for a season; he’ll be a free agent). Heaven knows who’s at center.

6. Philadelphia--New Coach Larry Brown imported disappointing Eric Montross and Jim Jackson, an older version of Jerry Stackhouse, the 76ers’ incumbent shooting guard. It looks like a mess, but Brown, a real coach, follows clueless John Lucas and Johnny Davis so it should be OK, for a while. Surprise: Brown and Coleman don’t like each other!

7. Boston--New Coach Rick Pitino has four new starters: ex-Laker Travis Knight, free agent Chris Mills, rookies Chauncey Billups and Ron Mercer. Not exactly a new dynasty but Pitino could beat M.L. Carr’s 15 victories with 12 guys from a YMCA.

CENTRAL DIVISION

1. Chicago--Situation normal, all fouled up. All your favorites are back, except convalescing Pippen--don’t expect him much before Christmas, this being his free-agent season--and everyone’s mad at everyone else.

2. Atlanta--The Hawks struck out with every recruit they sought, including new Laker Rick Fox. They have the same tough-defending, low-scoring crew with promising rookie Ed Gray.

3. Charlotte--New guards, former Celtic David Wesley and former Cavalier Bobby Phills, replacing last season’s makeshift duo of career sub Tony Smith and injury-slowed Muggsy Bogues.

4. Detroit--Brian Williams got $45 million, but now he meets teeth-baring Coach Doug Collins, who’s guaranteed to go nuts if his new center sits out his usual 15 games. Collins got his salary doubled to $3.5 million and his contract shortened to one year and is angry at speculation that he wants out.

5. Cleveland--Kemp, who couldn’t get by in picturesque Seattle, playing for a good team while earning $3.8 million--with a $14.6-million balloon coming--gets his just reward: a $100-million contract in the heart of the Rust Belt as focal point of a once-mediocre team that just lost four starters. As someone used to say, “Yesssss!”

6. Indiana--New Coach Larry Bird gets Chris Mullin, perfect for a big, tough team that needed an offensive player.

7. Milwaukee--Former Cavaliers Brandon and Tyrone Hill, acquired for Vin Baker in the three-way Kemp deal, plus former Nugget Ervin Johnson make them look like a real team, on paper. Of course, they’ve looked good on paper for a while and Brandon’s contract is up next summer.

8. Toronto--General Manager Isiah Thomas can’t break out of being an expansion team. He tried for Kemp, but the best he could do was John Wallace. Thomas is also in a battle of wills with the new ownership team and could bolt any time.

MIDWEST DIVISION

1. Utah--Same old crew that made the finals.

2. Houston--Same old crew that finished on crutches and walkers.

3. Minnesota--Same young, promising crew, except Kevin Garnett has a $128-million contract, meaning the honeymoon is over and he has to prove he’s a franchise player, which, so far, he is not. Center Dean Garrett signed with the Nuggets and you’ll never guess who the Timberwolves have there, at least for the first 12 games. Right, Stanley Roberts.

4. Dallas--Shawn Bradley, A.C. Green, Dennis Scott, Erick Strickland and Michael Finley have replaced Jason Kidd, Jamal Mashburn, Chris Gatling, Jackson and Montross. New General Manager Don Nelson says the Mavericks will vie for the playoffs, suggesting he’s delusional, sees something few others can or is setting up the coach he inherited, Jim Cleamons, for the old switcheroo: I coach, you’re unemployed.

5. Denver--New Coach Bill Hanzlik is overmatched, but Dean Smith would be too. Only LaPhonso Ellis and Bryant Stith remain from the ‘93-94 team that upended the SuperSonics and took the Jazz to Game 7 in the West semifinals. Instead of Dikembe Mutombo and Antonio McDyess, the Nuggets have Garrett, Eric Williams, rookies Tony Battie and Danny Fortson and many future draft picks. New General Manager Allan Bristow is off to a slow start.

6. San Antonio--Tim Duncan, the most acclaimed rookie since Shaquille O’Neal, joins David Robinson to hoist the Spurs back to elite status.

7. Vancouver--Brian Hill gets a new start with veteran power forward Otis Thorpe and rookie point guard Antonio Daniels guaranteeing he’ll beat last season’s 14 victories.

PACIFIC DIVISION

1. Seattle--The meltdown continues. Baker is good, but he’s no Kemp. The SuperSonics should, at least, be happier, except Coach George Karl, who has been looking around since Bob Whitsitt left as general manager, has only this season left on his contract and insists he’s upset they won’t offer him a new one.

2. Lakers--The same pranksters who so enlivened last spring’s playoffs return, determined to show they’re an elite team, after all.

3. Portland--You’ve got to hand it to Whitsitt. After rescuing the SuperSonics from mediocrity, he’s giving it a run here, landing Rasheed Wallace, watching him blossom, signing him and then signing promising former King Brian Grant. Of course, there’s still the J.R. Rider situation. The new warden, er, coach, is familiar: ex-Laker Mike Dunleavy.

4. Phoenix--Flat on their rear ends after Charles Barkley forced a trade last summer, they have landed Kidd and McDyess and rounded out the roster with Cliff Robinson and George McCloud. As contenders, they’re still in the embryonic stage, but that’s better than the smoking-crater stage.

5. Clippers--Basically the same crew that surprised everyone last season, reinforced by guard James Robinson and promising rookie power forward Maurice Taylor. Brent Barry, finally a starter, has to show he’s the real deal, rather than a highlight-reel deal. The Clippers can get $5 million under the salary cap next summer, so a good season means they could go shopping in earnest.

6. Sacramento--Lost Grant, and Mitch Richmond still wants out. New Coach Eddie Jordan should be former coach Eddie Jordan before too long.

7. Golden State--Coach P.J. Carlesimo, chased out of Portland, got $3 million a year and a free hand in personnel, but all he can do for the moment is finish tearing down the Warriors. He traded Mullin for unpolished center Erick Dampier, and anyone can have Mark Price, B.J. Armstrong or both.