The Light Mayo at the End of the Tunnel

Greg Malloy of Cincinnati, staying at a downtown hotel, wanted to use the Red Line, so he asked the desk clerk, “How do I get to the subway?” Malloy’s friend David Arthur reports that the clerk had a puzzled look on her face. But after a few seconds, Arthur says, she gave “some very detailed, precise directions.”

Malloy followed those directions and found himself in front of a Subway--the sandwich shop.

SPEAKING OF THE SUBWAY: An MTA staffer sent this column an internal notice indicating . . . what? (See excerpt.) Could the agency have a backup plan for all those holes it has dug?

TROJAN HORSE ALERT: The USC-UCLA game (Nov. 22 this year) is traditionally preceded by cross-town tricks by rival students. After viewing a typographical error in UCLA’s football program, sent to me by Michael Cornwell of Burbank, I wonder if a Trojan hasn’t infiltrated the Bruin staff (see accompanying). If so, I’m sure UCLA will get even in the futrue.

RAIDING THE HALLS OF POWER: You never know where investigations are going to lead in Southern California. Consider these milestones:

* December 1994: The office of Orange County Treasurer-Tax Collector Robert Citron is raided by district attorney investigators who confiscate boxes of documents; he later pleads guilty to six felonies in connection with the county’s financial collapse.

* December 1995: The home of state Assemblyman Scott Baugh (R-Huntington Beach) is raided by district attorney investigators looking into possible irregularities in his election campaign; he has since been charged with five felony perjury counts and 13 misdemeanor violations of the Campaign Reform Act.

* August 1997: The office of L.A. City Councilman Mike Hernandez is searched by L.A. police; he later pleads guilty to cocaine possession.

* September 1997: The main office of Southern California Edison in Rosemead, as well as several branch offices, are raided by state forestry officials, who contend that the utility has hindered investigations of several major fires. Forestry agents seize records, equipment and a rare category of evidence--tree limbs. (Oddly enough, the tree limbs didn’t come from the branch offices.)

Which politician or agency will be next to hear the pounding at the door?

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIANS ON THE ROAD: “I had a really embarrassing incident in England years ago,” writes Chris Majeska of Alta Loma.

Majeska, studying in London one semester with some other Americans, “ate boiled eggs and toast at our hotel every day, seven days a week for a month, until I couldn’t take it anymore. Finally, I told the owner all of us would be grateful if he would allow me into the kitchen to make us some French toast. The gentleman said all they served was ‘Ardinry Toast.’

“I insisted that I had never heard of ‘Ardinry Toast,’ ” Majeska continues, “but would give it a try. The poor guy turned redder and redder and announced to the entire dining area that I had never eaten or heard of ‘Ardinry Toast.’ Someone standing nearby finally whispered to me that the owner was saying ‘ordinary toast.’ ”

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The Culver City Chamber of Commerce newsletter lists discounts that chamber members are offering each other. Susan Deen noticed that one hot dog stand offered this generous deal: “Buy one hot dog, get the same hot dog free.”

Steve Harvey can be reached by phone at (213) 237-7083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com and by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, Times Mirror Square, L.A. 90053.