Punch Lines

The Prez: “President Clinton has revealed the secret of his remarkable weight loss,” says Alan Ray. “He no longer eats between scandals.”

“The president announced a new plan to ease prison overcrowding. It should work. He’s going to reduce the number of Cabinet positions.” (Ray)

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The Wannabe Prez: “Former Vice President Dan Quayle is considering running for president in 2000. He’s working on getting over the last hurdle--trying to spell ‘millennium.’ ” (Russ Myers)

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Literary Life: Romance novelist Nora Roberts has filed suit against fellow novelist Janet Dailey for plagiarism, says the Cutler Daily Scoop. “According to the lawsuit, ‘Dailey ripped me off like a frilly negligee ripped from my body by the hungry hands of my Thor-like lover.’ ”

* “Roberts claims that the phrases ‘nostrils flaring with desire,’ ‘lips burning like embers’ and ‘It’s my husband! Quick, hide in the closet!’ were lifted practically word for word from some of her best work.” (Bob Mills)

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New in Business: America Online was named in a lawsuit by Clinton aide Sidney Blumenthal. “A libelous rumor about his private life was circulated,” says Ray. “That means it could have reached an estimated five people.”

James Dobson of “Focus on the Family” urges his listeners to join the Southern Baptist boycott of Disney. “We think we’ve found a new labor for Hercules,” says the Daily Scoop: “Finding someone who doesn’t want to boycott Disney.”

“UPS is considering getting into the passenger business to make up for the losses during the strike,” says Ray. “It would be a completely new venture for them. They’ve never lost anything that big.”

“Executives at Fox pulled the Scott Baio show ‘Rewind’ from its fall lineup even before it aired, saying the show needs to ‘evolve’ a bit more,” says Steve Voldseth, “which we can only hope translates as ‘not in a million years.’ ”

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How to Be Thin and Dumb: Scientists now warn that fat-reducing drugs may kill brain cells. “Recent experiments were pretty conclusive,” says Ray. “After rats were given fen-phen, they turned into supermodels.”

* The National Institutes of Health suggests drugs such as fen-phen may kill brain cells. “Maybe that explains why people keep taking them.” (Johnny Robish)

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During a recent visit to a Round Table Pizza, Forrest Durell, 3, of Altadena looked around and complained, “There are no round tables.” A few weeks later, his mother suggested the family go to Round Table again.

“You mean Rec Tangle?” Forrest asked.

Laugh Lines will run daily until Friday. Beginning Sept. 14, Punch Lines will run on Sundays. Send jokes or anecdotes to Punch Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.