Off-Kilter

Endless Lists Department: Feeling listless? Don’t despair. On the heels of the American Film Institute’s top 100 movies list and the Modern Library’s best 100 novels, now comes Entertainment Weekly’s list of the 50 greatest lists.

Naturally, it contains some surprises. For example, the Ten Commandments inexplicably finished second, behind People magazine’s “50 Most Beautiful People” list and barely ahead of Casey Kasem’s American Top 40. Rounding out the top five were Martin Luther’s 95 theses and “Schindler’s List.”

Other all-time lists include David Letterman’s Top 10 (which ranked No. 7), Santa’s list of who’s naughty and nice (No. 9), the seven deadly sins (No. 10), Lucky Charms’ 11 vitamins and minerals (No. 11), Paul Simon’s “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” (No. 15), the Bill of Rights (No. 21), “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” (No. 29), the Fortune 500 (No. 31), Details magazine’s survey of the world’s 10 most exciting erogenous zones (No. 35), the 12 days of Christmas (No. 38), the FBI’s most wanted list (No. 39), Joe McCarthy’s list of communists (No. 41), Mr. Blackwell’s best- and worst-dressed list (No. 43), the Seven Wonders of the ancient world (No. 48) and Richard Nixon’s enemies list (No. 49). No. 50 was composer Franz Liszt.

Loser of the Week: Here at Off-Kilter, where our motto is “So many losers, so little time,” it isn’t always easy to select a single biggest loser of the week. But sometimes a nominee screams out “YES! YES! YES!”

Literally. Which is why we’re bestowing this week’s award on Cosmopolitan magazine for multiple and gratuitous references to the subject of orgasms. According to a report in the Hartford Courant, Cosmo has averaged no fewer than two orgasm-related articles per month for the last six years. In addition to July’s “Multiple O’s” cover story (which begins with the sentence “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!”), the titles have included “His and Hers Orgasms,” “Trophy Orgasms,” “Omigod!” and “Read This, Grab Him and Head to Bed.”

As for sex in general, in 1998 the magazine has published an average of 14 whoopie-related articles per issue. It’s a far cry from Cosmo’s 1984 story, “The Pat, Cuddle, Kiss, Hug Handbook.”

Lunatic Fringe Department: Just when we thought we’d heard everything, a “road-kill psychic” from Elk Grove, Calif., has darted into our path to claim that the kind of animals you accidentally run over can predict your future. For example:

* Hitting a cat signals a looming spiritual crisis.

* Colliding with a deer means you’re about to hurt someone you love.

* Squishing a snake foretells an imminent heart attack or serious accident.

* Crushing a crow signifies poor preparations for the future.

* Running over a dog means your friendships will go sour.

* Having a bee splat against your windshield suggests that you need to make more time for yourself.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “A Polar Bear Ate Our Jeep!” (Weekly World News)

This raises an important question: Can you predict the future by the kind of animal that eats your car?

* Roy Rivenburg’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Or write him c/o Life & Style, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles CA 90053.

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