Imagine All the Surprised People

The Walrus Was Who?: Elvis Presley and Jim Morrison might not be the only dead rock stars who are really alive. Our time-traveling journalist has been bouncing around the space-time continuum aboard Caltech’s experimental time machine and just filed this report from early 1999: “Nearly 30 years after Beatles fans began searching albums for clues that Paul McCartney was dead, fans of John Lennon have begun uncovering hints that Lennon could be alive.

“For example, when the song ‘Beautiful Boy’ is played backward, an eerie voice can be heard saying ‘I’m alive, I’m alive.’ Another song played in reverse says, ‘I’m not dead; I just had to get away from Yoko’s singing.’ ”

Weird Publicity Stunts Bureau: In an effort to stem the tide of controversial calls by NFL referees, a laser company in Massachusetts has offered free eye surgery to any referee who wants it.

Diet Plan du Jour: In the category of most intimidating new title for a weight-loss book, the nominees are “Dr. Bubba’s 30-Day Chain-Saw Diet,” “The Gandhi Plan” and “Eat All the Insects You Want!”

OK, we made those up. The actual winner is a book called “Boot Camp: The Sergeant’s Fitness and Nutrition Program” (Fireside). On the plus side, it says you can visit as many fast-food restaurants as your cholesterol-clogged heart desires. However, you have to do push-ups in their parking lots. Another diet drill requires students to sit in a nursing home all day and stare at the residents, as a lesson on the deteriorating effects of lack of exercise.

‘Boot Camp’ Diet Nominee No. 1: The North American Air Defense Command has calculated that Santa will drink 375 million pints of milk and eat 60,000 tons of cookies while delivering presents on Christmas Eve. By way of comparison, the Titanic weighed 45,000 tons.

Anti-Crime Bureau: To combat South Africa’s epidemic of carjackings, one inventor has started selling automobile flame throwers, which spew fire from both front doors when activated by the driver. The device was demonstrated recently on a mannequin outside The Times’ Johannesburg bureau.

Why Academics Shouldn’t See Movies: A new book by a religion scholar claims “The Wizard of Oz” is rife with hidden Buddhist messages. For example, the real reason the Wicked Witch of the West wants Dorothy’s ruby slippers is to fill her own spiritual void.

Meanwhile, Glinda the Good Witch is actually a Zen master sending Dorothy down the Yellow Brick Road of spiritual enlightenment. And the injury to Dorothy’s head from the tornado is caused by bad karma for letting Toto annoy Miss Gulch’s cat.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “King Midas’ Body Found--in a Solid Gold Coffin!” (Weekly World News)

Unfortunately, every time archeologists try to remove the corpse, they are turned into gold.

Roy Rivenburg’s e-mail address is roy.rivenburg@latimes.com. Unpaid Informants: Ann Harrison, Wireless Flash News Service, https://www.noradsanta.org, Chicago Sun-Times, Mike Faneuff, Dean Murphy. Off-Kilter runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.