LAUGH LINES

Out of Tune: According to the tabloids, Michael Bolton is telling friends he needs more time alone with his music. “Apparently performing at concerts just wasn’t enough.” (Steve Voldseth)

Foul Play: Environmentalist Robert F. Kennedy Jr. heads a New York group suing for tighter restrictions on septic tanks. “He’s apparently haunted by the similarity to his Uncle Teddy’s liver.” (Stan Kaplan)

Clearing the Air: In Florida, authorities have said they will prosecute teens caught smoking cigarettes. “Soon they’ll be passing the Three-Lucky-Strikes-and-You’re-Out Law.” (Will Couzin)

Remodeling Headache: The National Parks Service has submitted a proposal to renovate the White House by adding underground parking and a rec room. “Wait a minute, I thought the Oval Office was the Rec Room.” (Andrew Wisot)

Next!: In Trenton, N.J., plans are in the works for a digitized driver’s license that would have to be renewed only once a decade. “But there’s a catch. In order to get it, you have to wait in line at the DMV for about a decade.” (Wisot)

For That Special Someone: “This Christmas, you can give your kid a small, hairy, gibberish-talking little creature that openly emits bodily functions. Or you can save $100 on a Furby and just gift-wrap Uncle Ron.” (Alex Kaseberg)

The Holiday Spirit: “According to a new survey, 46% of Americans say they’re tired of all the focus on gifts and commercialism during the holidays. The other 54% are selling Furbys for $300 each.” (Conan O’Brien)

Scooped: Kellogg is planning to lay off employees because profit in the third quarter was down 31%. “In fact, things are so bad, they can only afford to put one scoop of raisins in a box of Raisin Bran.” (Wisot)

Dating in the ‘90s: “Have you heard the latest rejection line going around singles bars? ‘Sorry, I would go out with you, but you’re not Y2K compliant.’ ” (Kaseberg)

Dating in the ‘90s, Part 2: “Looks like Arianna Huffington wants to get back into politics. Last night she was spotted at a Washington nightclub on a date with Barney Frank.” (Jay Leno)

A Guy Can Dream: Walt Disney Co. has selected Philadelphia as the home for its indoor virtual reality park. “In it, computers generate fantasy situations that are beyond one’s imagination. For instance, visitors could watch the Phillies win a pennant and witness the Eagles actually score.” (Jerry Perisho)

Don’t Bother: The NBA canceled its annual all-star game. “Next on the list for the NBA to cancel is the Clippers’ early season elimination from playoff contention that usually happens in February.” (Paul Ecker)

Do the Math: With colleges reporting they have six female students for every four male students, officials are trying to figure out ways to attract more men. “Gee, telling guys that there are six women for every four men should do it.” (Paul Steinberg)

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