Punch Lines

Happy New Year! “Soothsayers say there’s real reason to be optimistic about the start of 1998. The kids go back to school Monday.” (Alan Ray)

French Kisses: “The movie ‘American Werewolf in Paris’ opened over the weekend. Throughout Paris, wherever this guy goes, he’s hounded, beaten with sticks, ridiculed, despised, rocks thrown at him--and that’s just because he’s an American. Got nothing to do with being a werewolf. They just treat tourists that way.” (Jay Leno)

Must Tell Jokes for Food: “Newt Gingrich will do a speech Monday called ‘Goals for a Generation.’ Please call his office and say you loved it. Comedians are terrified he won’t run for president. Lamar Alexander just isn’t funny.” (Argus Hamilton)

Stadium Karma: “According to Ladies Home Journal, the best place for single women to meet men is at major sporting events. They suggest women chip in for season tickets and take turns going to games. That’s great advice, and look what great guys women can meet--Marv Albert, Latrell Sprewell, O.J. Simpson, Mike Tyson, Frank Gifford.” (Leno)

Donationland: Walt Disney World has become America’s No. 1 attraction. “Coming in a close second was the Lincoln bedroom at the White House.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Good Dog: USA Today says new White House pup Buddy leaps onto the laps of aides and knocks the pens out of their hands when they take notes. “Clinton is so smart. Next, we’ll hear that the dog ate the fund-raising tapes.” (Hamilton)

Making Whoopee: “For its New Year’s Eve celebration, the city of New York reportedly used 30,000 balloons, 3,000 pounds of confetti and 20,000 pom-poms. Add a couple of cheerleaders, and it’s like a weekend at Charlie Sheen’s.” (Premiere Morning Sickness)

Going Postal: “On Tuesday night the 911 system in Los Angeles was temporarily shut down. Apparently, it was flooded by callers who needed resuscitation during screenings of ‘The Postman.’ ” (Premiere)

* “The Postman” is about a guy who gives people hope by delivering mail after a nuclear war. Is that really hopeful? Your home’s demolished, your family’s killed, you’re contaminated with radiation--you get that little envelope, ‘You may already be a winner! Ed McMahon.’ ” (Leno)