Sorry, Children, It’s Time for the Real All-Star Team

There’s something neat about the annual midseason All-Star game and corporate schmooze-off. No, not the game.

Nor is it Trashsport Saturday, not even in its updated form, with the tired old dunk contest mercifully retired . . . in favor of something worse, a glorified game of horse, featuring NBA and WNBA players and re-christened “2ball,” whose real purpose is to get the women some air time.

The neat thing is that being an NBA all-star still means something, since there’s no silly rule, like baseball’s, requiring that every team be represented, rendering what used to be an honor meaningless.

Not that the NBA selection process is perfect, starting, as it does, with your 8-year-old voting while wolfing down a Happy Meal, apparently on the basis of 1. Age, 2. Appearances in TV commercials, and 3. “SportsCenter” highlights.

This is why it’s still possible Kobe Bryant, Kevin Garnett and Stephon Marbury will start for the West and Little Penny will get his alter ego on the East squad, even if Penny Hardaway has played only 13 games.

After the voters mess things up, the coaches try to repair the damage, choosing the reserves according to their own agendas, in which they get even with Dennis Rodman, et al., for slights to coaches.

About then, Michael Jordan will say he plans to spend as much of the break in Las Vegas as he can. This may be one reason Commissioner David Stern moved his news conference from Friday to Saturday--after the writers have filed their Sunday stories--because he was tired of being asked how much Jordan would be fined for blowing off the press session.

The all-star also-rans will chime in, declaring themselves victims of league-sponsored conspiracies. Sometimes, as was the case with Chris Webber, they’ll vow never to go, then, after someone calls in sick, will be added to the team and go.

In the hope of settling all questions, or at least getting a column out of it, here’s who should go:

WEST

Centers--David Robinson, Shaquille O’Neal. In an upset, that’s how it will be in real life.

Forwards--Karl Malone, Vin Baker, Tom Gugliotta, Shareef Abdur-Rahim, Tim Duncan. Abdur-Rahim, who just turned 21, is fifth in the league in scoring and shoots 49%. Duncan is in the top 10 in rebounds, blocks and shooting. Gugliotta, the leading scorer for the Timberwolves, edges out Garnett, who’s No. 3.

Guards--Gary Payton, Mitch Richmond, Clyde Drexler, Nick Van Exel and Marbury. Richmond started slowly but he’s still Richmond. The ancient Drexler still gets 19 points, six assists and five rebounds a game. Marbury is already an impact player at 21. Van Exel leads the league in three-point baskets and kept the Lakers among the elite with Shaq out.

They edge John Stockton, who’s averaging only 26 minutes; Eddie Jones, who is deserving enough, and Bryant, who is no less deserving, having averaged 18 points a game--in 26 minutes--since Dec. 1.

EAST

Centers--Dikembe Mutombo, Brian Williams.

Somebody has to play there. With O’Neal in the West and Patrick Ewing out, this isn’t a center’s conference. Williams, who is rebounding like a center for the first time in his career, edges Alonzo Mourning.

Forwards--Grant Hill, Glen Rice, Jayson Williams, Glenn Robinson and Webber.

The selection could be better here too. Big Dog Robinson is finally a star, if a one-dimensional one. Williams, the rebounder-quote machine, is a center, but the coaches move players around too. Webber is still a misplaced moose, hanging out on the perimeter, but he has so much game--he’s in the top 20 in scoring, rebounds, blocks and steals--he can’t be ignored.

They beat out Shawn Kemp, who’s averaging a tame 17.4 points; Rodman, whose good-behavior streak ran out last week, and Antoine Walker, a comer.

Guards--Jordan, Tim Hardaway, Reggie Miller, Terrell Brandon, Allen Iverson and Damon Stoudamire.

Brandon is one of the least appreciated good players. Stoudamire has been plumping up his stats and begging for a trade and Iverson has the worst PR since Attila the Hun, but they’re major talents with lions’ hearts.

They edge out Rod Strickland, Sam Cassell and Steve Smith. In real life, the groundswell of sympathy for Strickland, who has never made it, will get him on. He leads the league in assists but shoots in the low 40s, mostly on close-in shots, since he barely messes with three-point shots--good thing, he makes 25% of those. He’s not chopped liver, but the kids’ points are better.

FACES AND FIGURES

Oops: The Rockets thought they’d stolen Stoudamire for Kevin Willis, Mario Elie and Matt Bullard, but, just as Toronto was about to pull the trigger, the Raptors were besieged by calls from other teams--reportedly Vancouver offering Antonio Daniels, Portland offering Kenny Anderson, Charlotte offering David Wesley. Some general managers reportedly pointed out that Willis would probably hate joining a bad team, pout till his contract ran out in 1999 and leave. The flummoxed Raptors decided to back off and start again.

OK, start the babble machine: The New York Post’s George Willis says John Starks should make the East squad, to avoid the unseemly possibility of an All-Star game in New York without a single Knick. Comment: Although our own petty parochial concerns may seem worthwhile, don’t everyone else’s sound pathetic? . . . Then there’s Isaiah Rider, who thinks he should go too: “If you look at facts, maybe I should make it but I don’t think I will.” Be careful which facts you look at. Rider is shooting a career-low 40%, of which he says: “It made me mad. I feel I can shoot a lot better than I have.” Comment: Another player who’s better advised to spend the break in therapy.

Dennis just got the All-Star break off again: Rodman, the attention freak, was happy as a lark when it was only he and Jordan, but as soon as Scottie Pippen came back and the cameras moved away, he started getting antsy. First, he tried a new bizarre hairdo. No one noticed. Then he blew off a shootaround and Coach Phil Jackson sent him home. Comment: I know, it’s hard to believe. . . . A players’ union official is complaining about the 2ball format--since players from cities that don’t have WNBA franchises were automatically ineligible. Comment: Get lives.

What goes around comes around, Part II: Kemp said he didn’t mind leaving Seattle because the SuperSonics weren’t really contenders. After Seattle routed the Cavaliers in Cleveland, and Baker outscored Kemp, 25-9, he said, “Like I told the guys, to me, they’re the best team in the NBA as of right now.” Before the rematch in Seattle, Kemp said he thought there might be as many cheers as boos, because, “I did some good things in the community and I have a lot of friends around in that area.” He was booed thunderously and outscored again, 21-17, by Baker, as those underrated SuperSonics won again. . . . It’s still hard to make chicken salad without the chickens: Miami Coach Pat Riley, after a weak West Coast swing for Mourning and Tim Hardaway: “If both these guys are to be our franchise players and carry the honors on their shoulders--which are all-star honors, all-NBA honors--they’ve got to step up. You can forgive a bad game but over a period of four, five games . . . “

Fiery John Calipari’s best player-adversary, Cassell, returned to action after six games off and promptly got into it with the Net coach, who said, “We had a disagreement on how he should play the ball. So I let Sherm [Douglas] go back in and show him how I wanted the ball played.” . . . Penny come home, while it’s still home: Penny Hardaway is rehabbing in Houston, where he had his knee surgery, rather than let the Magic doctor do it. Penny is notably thin-skinned, but team President Bob Van der Weide and Coach Chuck Daly said publicly they’d like him nearer the team.

Former Trojan Rodrick Rhodes, whose first-round selection by the Rockets stunned 28 teams, surprised them again, making the rookie All-Star game. Said Jordan after a recent Chicago-Houston game, “I underestimated his hand quickness and he got a couple steals on me. He’s got a chance to be a very good player, especially defensively.”