Author’s Cortege Will Be a Car-tege

One of the grand themes of Larry Gelbart’s witty new book, “Laughing Matters,” is his attachment to L.A., or the City of Axles, as he calls it.

Gelbart, the developer of the “M*A*S*H” TV series and the writer of numerous screen and theatrical hits, said that when his “number’s up,” when it’s time for “the big off-ramp,” he wants to leave the same way he came to L.A.--by car.

He explained: “I don’t mean in a hearse. . . . I’ve made arrangements to be cremated and for my ashes to be spread all over the hood of my Jag, my theory being that, while there may not be life after death, even after you’re gone it is still possible to get stuck in traffic in L.A. just a couple more times--or maybe even be carjacked posthumously.

“But if my wife stays true to form,” he added, “I’ll be going through the carwash before I ever know what hit me.”

NOW FOR A REVOKED LAST WISH: It’s the chain letter that can’t be broken--a plea on behalf of a terminally ill 9-year-old named Craig Sherford (sometimes written as “Shergold”) who wants to gain mention in the Guinness Book of World Records for “most business cards ever collected by one person.”

A Times employee received the letter just the other day.

The idea is admirable (no money is sought). But the problem is that the youth, who was in fact mentioned in the Guinness book for receiving 31 million cards, recovered after brain surgery--in 1990.

An Atlanta hospital mentioned in the letter is still receiving cards and, for several years, has had a telephone recording explaining that they are sent to a recycler.

Sherford, now an 18-year-old college student, recently put out a plea that the campaign be ended, showing no interest in setting a record in a new category, “most unwanted business cards ever collected by one person.”

FOOD FOR THOUGHT: Only in L.A.’s Post-Fourth of July Jubilee Dining Guide (see above) offers:

* An L.A. eatery’s Tallarin Saltado noodle dish that only vegetarians could afford.

* A wine with a carbon monoxide bouquet from Lisalee Ann Wells of Long Beach.

* Some lawn mower food from Joyce Reeves of Upland (I’ve heard of lawn food but this. . . .)

* And, finally, proof, in the form of a snapshot taken in Hungary by J.A. Rasson of L.A. that Southern California isn’t the only place where espresso is believed to have psychic healing powers.

MORE TO CHEW ON: The reference here to the Vikings Table Smorgasbord Chinese restaurant, brought this note from David Chan:

“I regret to inform you that the Viking’s Table is no more, having been recently replaced by Lin’s Chinese Restaurant. The Viking’s Table is now in Chinese restaurant heaven with the other cross-culturally named Chinese restaurants, Chow’s Kosherama (Burbank), Ivanhoe Restaurant (Covina), O’Toole’s Roadhouse (Rowland Heights) and my favorite, the Bavarian Village Restaurant up in Emeryville.

“Actually, the Bavarian Village might still qualify for cross-cultural honors since though not a Chinese restaurant, the last time I looked it was a Filipino-run Karaoke bar.”

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I dismissed as L.A.-bashing that billboard in the South Bay that says, “A day in San Diego is like a week out of L.A.” Not at all, theorizes Robin Meadow. “The billboard celebrates those of us who love L.A. and begrudge time spent in the slow-moving south,” Meadow said. “For us, it’s true: A day in San Diego really is like a week out of L.A.” It’s always refreshing to encounter a fan of the City of Axles.